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heatherwnaz
New User
Joined: 10 Mar 2008
Posts: 2
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 Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 1:17 pm Post subject: Questions to ask |
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Ten years ago a friend was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed on in his mid thirties, leaving behind a wonderful wife and three beautiful daughters...it was heartbreaking to see what his illness did to this young family.
Shortly after his death, I found several emails my then husband had in a secret account that described the procedures and so on that our friend had gone through, but was saying that he himself was undergoing them. Women even traveled across states to visit him and it was discovered that they all thought he was living with cancer. Our four daughters were very young at that time and did not understand why daddy was shaving his head and eyebrows and making his voice sound weak and broken when these women would visit (we were separated by then)and he admitted to me that he was lying initially to get the women to go out with him, but that now he didnt know how to stop. This went on for several years until a woman he was living with also discovered emails of this nature.....she worked in the mental health sector and convinced him to sit his family down and explain his illness to them while she sat with them. So, 5 years ago he gave the "news" to his children and his parents and brother that he had malignant melanoma and a poor prognosis, saying he had only months to live. He is still claiming to have only a few months left to live and now claims he has lymphoma, not melanoma. He claims to be having brain surgery on an outpatient basis, driving himself to the hospital and doesnt want anyone to accompany him or show up at the hospital. One time his mother showed up anyway, and the hospital had no record of him ever being registered there. He gave a doctor's excuse to the judge in our custody hearing saying he had had surgery and could not speak.....he wrote down that his surgery was to remove a cancerous lymph node. I happened to work in Medical Records at the hospital he went to and discovered a month or so later, that the surgery he referred to was actually a tonsillectomy for recurrent sore throats with no history of cancer. Incidentally,all of his medical records say no history of cancer. He claims to have been undergoing chemo and radiation therapy for 5 years straight now with no breaks.....he contacts my kids repeatedly to tell them he will never get to see them again because he is dying.
My question is this: Is there something I can ask him or something I can do to find out if he is telling the truth this time? If he is telling the truth, I feel awful for him and for my kids and his family, etc etc, and I don't want to keep my kids from seeing him if he is really sick....however, if this is all a big lie I don't know what to do!!! I realize that there are many people suffering through this horrible disease but who don't have alot of side effects from the treatment.....so I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking he's lying because of the lack of side effects.
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pbj11
Site Admin
Joined: 12 May 2007
Posts: 617
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:16 pm Post subject: Re: Questions to ask |
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Wow, this is really twisted. Most chemos have side effects, but depending on the frequency of various rounds of treatment, people can appear just fine during breaks.
Given the history, and what you have already found out I'd stay the hell away from him altogether. I know this is hard for the kids, but he's not making any effort to see them either, which speaks volumes about who he is as a person.
Wow again and I'm so sorry you and the kids are caught up in this tangled web.
Warm wishes,
PBJ
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Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.
Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0 |
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brainman
Site Admin
Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 3042
Location: Tennessee
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 7:06 pm Post subject: Re: Questions to ask |
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I too am sorry for the mess he is creating in his kids lives. Like PBJ said, stay away from him and make him make the first significant move. I do not know of any way for you to force the truth out of him. His medical records do not indicate that he has ever been treated at the hospital for cancer. However, he could have been treated at a doctor's office and not reported that to the hospital for whatever reason. But that is doubtful.
Bye the way, you could get fired from your job for accessing medical records of someone else for personal reasons without that person's permission. So, be careful.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/ |
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In
Moderator
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1081
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 3:16 am Post subject: Re: Questions to ask |
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I agree, be very very careful. Don't mention this to anyone.
Make him ring or chase the children. If he is for real, then let him come to them.
Please be careful- this could be a mental condition, and therfore a volable situation. Maybe seek some professional help- let someone know what you feel is happening out of the family.
But maybe take a step back...
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Thinking of you Inica
**Administrator**
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
 9 Lives and still kicking |
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pbj11
Site Admin
Joined: 12 May 2007
Posts: 617
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:22 pm Post subject: Re: Questions to ask |
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Inica said: let someone know what you feel is happening out of the family.
Oooh, that is VERY good advice given. Possibly notify the authorities, so they have this documented. Be very careful what you say about the illegal peeking into records or you could find yourself in deep doo.
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.
Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0 |
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heatherwnaz
New User
Joined: 10 Mar 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject: Re: Questions to ask |
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Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.
Just to clarify, I honestly did not access his medical records for personal reasons. I HAD to access that particular report about a month after his procedure to get information from it for a more recent procedure that I was working on...again, all work-related...it is something we have to do quite often in my field. Also, I resigned from that job and moved across the country nearly two years ago and it is not an issue anymore.
Again, thank you all so much for your advice and well wishes.
My prayers are with you.
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