I don't know how to deal with this,.

Levara · New User Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 1

My Dad rang me on 1 July 07 to tell me that my Mum had lung cancer. It shook my world upside down. I have always been classed as the 'rock' of the family, by my Mum, Dad and little sister.

Mum went downhill, and died at home with me, my Dad and my sister all there on 15 October 2007.

My sis has not coped so well and shed plenty of tears. I have shed a few but neither my Dad nor Me have had the big cry. I keep saying, "I'm too busy with work and the kids dramas and everything else." though I suspect that I am putting off dealing with it.

The problem is that I do not know how to deal with it. I have never lost someone like this. I just don't know what to do.

I found out later that it was breast cancer that spread to my Mum's lungs. I have flash backs of her last days. I have flashbacks of seeing her moments after she passed, I have flashbacks of her despair at being terminally ill, I have flashbacks of her strength prior to diagnosis.

I seriously do not know what to do. I just don't. I feel like a time bomb about to go off. I can't let myself go with my sis and my Dad. My other hald and kids are there for me,, but I am also their rock. I have trouble being vulnerable.

Sometimes I feel like an emotional block. I feel guilt for not having the big cry. I feel like I am devoid of emotion because i have not had the big cry. Am I alone in not knowing how to deal with this? How to let the emotions out? How to cope????

Sue

Tera · Experienced user Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 72

Sue, no you are not alone. Believe me, there are alot of people who have difficulty coping with the loss of a loved one. It is normal and everyone is different. Everyone grieves at a different pace.

I'm an emotional person so I cry alot. I think that is what helps me cope with things. But the big cry....hmmm, sometimes it is something else that precipitates the big cry. Mine hit me when I got into a small argument with my husband over something. He was trying to convince me of something and I got so frustrated at him I started crying and then boom....it hit me. I hadn't cried like that since my divorce from my ex-husband. some don't have the big cry. Fro them, the tears are cathartic.

Flashbacks are normal too but they will lessen in time and and time goes on, you will have more good memories and less bad ones. Please, don't consider yourself abnormal for not having had the big cry yet or for the flashbacks.

Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to. Do you have a trsuted clergyperson/layperson, family member, good friend, etc. to lend a shoulder? You can see a grief counselor. If your mom used Hospice, they have trained professionals and the family can take advantage of that for free for some time after the death. If you need help dealing with it, by all means, get some help so you can move forward. I know ti is hard, believe me, I know. But you CAN get through it.

Sometimes we get so caught up being strong for other people, we forget to be strong or to be there for ourselves. Take care of yourself. The best way to take car of your kids and husband is to take care of yourself first.

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 617

Hi Sue,

I'm sorry about the loss of your Mom. I also lost my Mom when I was much younger and felt like you do. I was busy raising kids and taking care of my husband, so there was no time to fall apart. It would hit me at odd times and I'd cry some here and there. I never did have a big meltdown and I'm not sure that everyone does.

Tera is right. The horrific memories of how they died do calm down as time passes and you begin to remember the good times before the illness.

I can't add much to what Tera wisely told you, but if you think a grief support group or therapy would help, then go for it. My daughter is in grief therapy now over the loss of her father.

People all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way.

Many hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

brainman

Levara, I am so sorry about the death of your mother. I was with both of my parents died of cancer. I live in their home and always hear their voices or think of something that I want to tell them and then remember that they are not here.

Each of us experiences grief in our own way and at our own pace. There is no schedule. I can hear how much you miss your mother. Also, I hear that you have felt that you needed or still need to be like a rock for your father and sister. Maybe this forum can be a safe place for you to start expressing your emotions.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

mymaria · Regular Joined: 28 Feb 2008 Posts: 36

Sue,

You are not alone and your feelings are very normal, common and reflective of what I am going through now. My wife has been diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer and has made some amazing strides in the past 4-months. But I am haunted by what I have had to observe in her struggle to beat this insidious disease.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. But being the "rock" or the "foundation" of the family does not preclude allowing you to mourn, cry or just have a little melt-down at times. The fact of the matter is, as I have concluded, your ability to cry only further reinforces your strength, your love, your commitment to your family. Don't bottle it in. Remember, even Jesus wept. Not a sign of weakness, but of a love for someone that transcends this world.

I have cried a lot these past 4-months and I continue to weep whenever images of my wife's struggling face of the not too distant past haunts me. I will never be able to cleanse myself of the images no matter what happens.

I have a 2-year son and a new 1-month baby. There is the dreaded possibility that I may have to raise them alone (GOD forbid!), but it is my love for my family that keeps me from falling completely apart.

Find good family AND friend support to help you feel comfortable about crying...being human.

Richard
_________________
Dallas, TX

Tera · Experienced user Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 72

Sue, please keep us informed as to how you are doing.

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