Need Advice on how to talk to friend with Stage IV Cancer!!!

friend4D · New User Joined: 24 Aug 2007 Posts: 4

Hi,
I really need some advice from all you wonderful ladies out there with stage IV cancer.

I have a friend who is really up until this point been an aquaintance type of friend. Her daughter and my daughter are friends. We met a few years ago....I am an Esthetician and I came to her house to provide her with Esthetic services. At that time we struck up a friendship. Our daughters were close in age and from time to time we got together with the kids as well as continued our professional relationship.

She told me about her Mastectomy the first day I met her, I think because of the nature of our relationship and the fact that I was going to be doing waxing etc. and she probably thought I would wonder about her lack of breast.

She has always been a private person and I have respected her privacy so I never really asked too many questions regarding her cancer. On one occasion aprox 1 year after meeting her she seemed upset and told me that her DR. had ordered some tests and that she thought the cancer had spread to her bones. She didn't want to talk about it at the time and so I didn't persue it. We just continued having a professional relationship and from time to time got together with the kids very casually.

Since May of this year I have known that she was in and out of the hospital because I frequently see her daughter and I always ask, "How is your Mom?" I have not seen her all summer but my fears were that she was not doing well.

Last week I was talking to her daughter online and asked how her Mom was doing. She commented that she had broken her arm in the hospital.
I asked her daughter if I could visit her in the hospital and she said that she thought she was coming home for the weekend. I told her that if she had to go back into the hospital that I would gladly come and visit and maybe if she liked I could give her a foot massage.

Her Mom contacted me the next day. She asked me if I could come and wax her and maybe give her a pedicure. Of course I said I would come that night. I ended up staying for a couple of hours. She looked pretty bad. I could see that she was pretty sick. She was in her bed and said that she had only been up to go to the bathroom.

I told her that if she needed anything that I would be happy to help. She had told me that she was starting Chemo. I knew her parents (elderly) had been taking her to Chemo last time and that it was very difficult for them and she felt guilty about this, so I suggested that maybe I could help out from time to time with the driving. I really do want to help.
When I left I told her that I meant what I said and that if she needed anything to call me.

The funny thing is ...the next day she asked me if I meant what I said about driving her to Chemo, and I said yes. She wanted to pay me as if it was a job which I don't want but she is insistant so I might just take money because I don't want to upset her. Then she asked me if my daughter wanted to go to an amusment park with her daughter and her husband. But she wanted me to come and stay with her while they were gone.

I went over in the afternoon and we had a nice time. We chatted and hopefully I helped pass the time for her. I was there for a long time and we touched on some personal things regarding her illness but for the most part, I don't really know what is going on.

Today (which is two days later) she asked me to come over again. I am happy to be able to keep her company but I really don't know if I am handling the situation in the best way.

I am trying to be honest without prying too much. She has touched on feelings which I have tried to help out with...but honestly I don't know how to best help her.

She has chronic diarreaha (sorry bout sp) and she is very worried and anxious. She has only had one chemo treatment and might have to stop treatment now. She is terrified that the diarreaha won't go away.

Please give me some advice on how to help her through this. Should I encourage her to talk about her feelings or should I try and talk about things that are going on in my life to cheer her up. I have tried to ask her to talk about her feelings and let her know that I am there to listen , but I don't know how to help her and I have told her that I wish I knew what to say to make her feel better. Tonight I felt like I was rambling on and on just to make conversation. I told her that I'm sure I bored her to tears. She said that I didn't and that I relaxed her with my conversation.

Please give me any advice on how to help this friend. I feel very priviledged that she has asked me to keep her company and I just want to do all that I can for her.
_________________
Friend has Stage IV Cancer
Mastectomy
Late 40's

Muttsmom

Hi,

I'm not Stage IV, but my best friend was and I know many ladies who are. I know when I was dx with Stage III BC, it was nice to have someone that cared. It's amazing how many "friends" run the other way when they find out you have cancer.

It sounds to me like you are doing EVERYTHING right. Let me bring it up when she feels like talking about it and talk about other things when she doesn't. You have no idea how much good and what a huge help you are to her by being there and doing all you do. What she needs more then anything is a friend, and you've proven yourself to be a very dear one. From all of us who have realized just how many friends we didn't have when we were dx, thank you. You are just what the doctor ordered Smile

Where has the cancer spread to? Many with Stage IV respond to treatment and become stable and stay that way for many years. I know one lady that had mets in 3 different organs and is NED (No Evidence of Disease) again. They really are making great progress, but of course, we need a CURE and NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
_________________
Nancy
2/14/02 ILC 43 - 5.5 cm 9+/16 nodes
Stage IIIA er/pr+ Her2-
2/02 MRM
FECx6 radsx33
Tamoxifen - Arimidex (chemo induced menopause)
4/03 SM w/bilat. recon.
9/03 expanders removed
5/04 repair reconst. disaster
10/04 Actonel for bone/joint pain from Arimidex
NED - 5 years
3/07 Diabetes
In memory of Kim 12/1/04

friend4D · New User Joined: 24 Aug 2007 Posts: 4

Hi Muttsmom, I really appreciate you answering me. I felt like I couldn't go wrong by just being myself so that's what I have been trying to do. Last night I was thinking that maybe I should just say to her, " If you want to talk about your fears then we can do that , and if you want to talk about something else other than the cancer then we can do that."

I know there really is no right thing to say. I just don't want her lying there thinking, "I wish she would shut up."

To be honest, I don't know where the mets are aside from the bone and under her scalp. I know when I was there the other day, she went downstairs just to get some exercise and when she came back up she was out of breath. The nurse that came to visit her asked her questions including on a scale of 1 to 10 how out of breath she got upon exertion.

She is quite concerned about the "runs" It seems she has been having violent bouts of diahreah. When I asked her about it she said that when she was in the hospital a while ago with Pneumonia, she got this infection or virus (can't remember which) and she has been on antibiotics ever since. It had gotten a bit better, that's when they decided she could start her chemo. But she had only had one treatment and then the other day when I was there, it started up again. Her husband mentioned to me that the Doctor (neighbour) said that it might never go away because her bowels could be destroyed. As I said before, I am not a long time friend, so I didn't feel that I could ask him if she has it in her colon.

It's a weird situation since she has only lately taken me into her confidence. I'm not sure if her husband thinks she has told me everything or not. I guess as I visit her more, I will find things out more.

I appreciate your help and I am so happy to see that you have been NED for 5 years!!

I lost another friend (neighbour) 2 years ago to the same damn thing!! She had a lumpectomy and 1 year later they discovered that it had metastisized to her spine. She died within 6 months. Damn disease!!!

Fight the good fight!
_________________
Friend has Stage IV Cancer
Mastectomy
Late 40's

Muttsmom

I hate this disease so much. My best friend was dx 1 day before me (she was in OH and I was in AL), both Stage III. Compared to the care I got and she got, I was really worried about her. No doubt hers was REAL aggressive, but her surgeon (HMO and limited) didn't believe in mastectomies, even though that's what Kim wanted. Anyway, hers came back 6 months later in her liver and then about 18 months after that, to her brain. I lost her Dec. of 04. It's a horribly cruel disease to say the least.

I've seen Stage IV do really well for years and still doing really well, so there's always hope. We have to keep fighting and praying for a cure.

Thanks for the Happy Nedness Smile

It's hard to believe it's been 5 1/2 years since I heard those horrible words.

I really think your friend knows by the way ya'll have been talking that you're there for her when she wants to talk about what she's going through and when she wants to talk about everything except. I'd say you're doing perfect just by being yourself.

Prayers to you both.
_________________
Nancy
2/14/02 ILC 43 - 5.5 cm 9+/16 nodes
Stage IIIA er/pr+ Her2-
2/02 MRM
FECx6 radsx33
Tamoxifen - Arimidex (chemo induced menopause)
4/03 SM w/bilat. recon.
9/03 expanders removed
5/04 repair reconst. disaster
10/04 Actonel for bone/joint pain from Arimidex
NED - 5 years
3/07 Diabetes
In memory of Kim 12/1/04

friend4D · New User Joined: 24 Aug 2007 Posts: 4

Your words of encouragement are what I needed to help 'me' thru helping her. It is a very difficult situation for everyone.

She needed me again tonight, her 12 year old daughter is giving her a tough time. I think she is angry and acting out. I feel guilty because I think to myself 'what have I gotten myself into?' But I don't think she has anyone else other than her mother and sister and husband. As hard as it is going to be for me to support her, her situation is 10,000 times harder to deal with.

I keep trying to tell her to keep her thoughts positive but it sounds so cliche. Anyway I appreciate your feedback.
Thanks so much,
Kathy
_________________
Friend has Stage IV Cancer
Mastectomy
Late 40's

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