overstepping boundaries and not doing enough

superstarbc75 · New User Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 1

this past november, i found out that my professor, who also happens to be someone i consider very close to me, was diagnosed with cancer. our relationship is a hard one to explain. she's been my professor for a year and a half now, and i've worked with her in two shows (she directs plays). this time last year, we started to become somewhat close to each other, and i guess you can say i'm a little attached to her. that's because i have nothing but admiration and love for her...and she gave me a chance to be part of the theatre, something i would have never been brave enough to do on my own. not only that, she's helped me through a lot of rough times. she's not just my teacher, she's my mentor and friend. i care about her very much and think about her often.

i realize i'm not a family member, so my problem is finding middle ground because there is a fine line between overstepping my boundaries and not doing enough. this is the first time i've dealt with someone close to me having cancer...so i don't know what to say...i don't know if i've said too much...if i haven't said enough...

i told her to call on me anytime...for anything, really. and i told her that i care about her very much. she has lots of people willing to help her. but, how often should i try and talk to her? yesterday, my friend told me *not* to call her and to only visit her in her office maybe, once every other week or so. he says "just give her space." but my counselor told me that i should be more conscious of making sure i catch up with her through email, phone, or visit...about once a week. my mother says to just act normal, and basically the same thing my counselor said.

i know to talk normally and about everyday stuff...but how often is too often and when is it not enough?

brainman

Hi Superstar,
I think I agree with your mother and your counselor. I would say: Be yourself with your professor. Be sensitive to your professor’s needs. All of us have signals we give out when we want to talk and when we “need space.” But you too have needs and one of your needs is to help your professor. Be sure you understand whose needs you are taking care of. If you “cross the line,” it is because you need to attend to your needs. If you find yourself doing that too often, then that could become a problem. However, it sounds like you are self-aware and addressing your needs by talking with others, your counselor, and here. Your professor is lucky to have you as a friend.

Personally, I find it hard to ask for help. I never think I need anything Very Happy

. However, it is those unexpected and unanticipated little signs of caring for me that mean the most to me. It was not the get-well-soon cards that made me feel good… it was the yard being mowed by my neighbor who I hardly know. However, he knew about me and, since he was mowing his own yard, he mowed mine too. Just little kindnesses like that made me feel so special.

Good luck.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

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