grief

cppm · New User Joined: 27 Jan 2006 Posts: 4

[b]I thank you all for sharing your stories and all of the courage you have shown in your letters. I am expericing the grief of a loved one that was recently diagnosed with pancreatic and liver cancer – stage 4. It has only been a few weeks since the diagnoses. I can not get past my sadness. I know I have to be strong for him and his family, but I can not get myself pass this point. Does anyone have any suggestions on how they did it. I can not stop crying for them. My hart is aching. [size=18][/size][/b]
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cppm

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi,

In September 2005, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer in the pancreas, gallbladder and liver, I was devastated. It felt like someone ripped my heart out and it hurt like hell. I cried so hard, I could hardly breathe. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. This massive pain was unfamiliar to me. I don't know how I did it, but everytime, I entered her hospital room, I hid all my fear and sadness. I had to be strong for her.

For now, put aside your sadness and be more hopeful for your friend. The person recently diagnosed with cancer has a lot of fighting to do and he needs all the support, strength and encouragement from his family, and the people around him. Offer your help/assistance in caring for him. Spend as much time as you can with the person and just be positive in your words.

This is a rough road your friend is about to travel. Just let him know that you're there for him.

Take care...

cppm · New User Joined: 27 Jan 2006 Posts: 4

THANK YOU for you response and sharing your courage with me. I am going to visit my family for the 1st time since the diagnoses this weekend. I am anxous about seeing them. They have all seemed to be handling this with so much strength that I have not been able to find in myself yet. I have to remember to live in day tight compartments and try not to think too much about what the future will be like for them. good luck to you.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

May God give you the strength and courage to cope through the difficult times of your life.

Catholic Prayer for the Sick:
Dear Jesus, Divine Physician and Healer of the sick, we turn to you in this time of illness. O dearest comforter of the troubled, alleviate our worry and sorrow with your gentle love, and grant us the grace and strength to accept this burden. Dear God, we place our worries in your hands. We place our sick under your care and humbly ask that you restore your servant to health again. Above all, grant us the grace to acknowledge your will and know that whatever you do, you do for the love of us. Amen.

God Bless,

KMS · New User Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 1

When my brother and I read what was on here, our jaws dropped. All of your stories are so similar! My mom was healthy, vivacious, full of energy and laughter, not a smoker or a heavy drinker. With no real hereditary link, she passed away 6 weeks after she was officially diagnosed last fall. The emptiness, I feel, will never go away. She was 54 and I was 30 at the time. And I miss her every single day.

It all started in November of 04 when she had a gal bladder attack - so they took it out. Then, immediately following the surgery, she felt like there was a 'stitch' in her side, and she thought it was a side effect from the surgery perhaps. From November to the following August, she doctored. In and out of the hospital for increased pain and continued misdiagnoses - autoimmune deficiency syndrom, gall stones, pinched nerves, you name it. They diagnosed her with everything but what was plaguing her - cancer. After enduring months and months of inexplainable pain (I can relate to the person who wrote their mom would sit and rock back and forth on the couch crying in pain most nights because she didn't know what to do) as well as 6-7 long-term stays in the hospital to treat the pain and reach a diagnosis, my dad finally insisted we go to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. So they took her from her hospital bed Labor Day weekend of 2005 and my brother and I met her and my Dad (who rode in the ambulance) at the hospital where we spent the entire Labor Day weekend with her waiting for results. Within 48 hours, they diagnosed a tumor, pancratic cancer, inoperable and just months, if not, weeks, to live. From that announcement in the doctor's office, it seemed my mom began leaving us mentally. For the next 6 weeks, she tried chemo and she was in and out of the hospital as her jaundice was getting worse and the pain was uncontrollable. As a nurse of 30 years, she knew. She knew there wasn't going to be a good ending to the story and she didn't want to prolong her life in its current state. She felt she wasn't living and didn't want to spend the next 2 months post-poning the inevitable. She begged us to accept her eminent passing and we helped her plan her funeral. Looking back now. I don't know how we did it but we had the strength that we needed to get through it for her. She was all that mattered. IF she couldn't endure the pain any longer, we couldn't force her to for our sake.

When we learned she had the cancer we were told it was the worst cancer to have as far as pain was concerned. And I believe them. I don't know that I'll ever forget waking in the middle of the night to hear her crying, pacing the floor and wondering what was wrong with her. Those images haunt me now and I wish I could've just taken away all her suffering then.

Laying there next to her in the hospital bed some nights, we would cry thinking of all that we would never get to do together. I would sing her to sleep at her request and we would lay there and hold each other, savoring every moment.

IT was living hell for all of us and we spent day and night with her, watched her slip away from this beautiful, lively, intelligent, young mother to a very sick, complacent woman who begged to be medicated rather than endure the pain any longer. We had to grant her wish for we loved her so much. And when she told us in the hospital that she wanted to go home to die in early October, what else could we do but support her wish. We brought her home, dressed her everyday in her favorite nightgowns, put our yummy sheets on her hospital bed...she was surrounding by her husband, children and the home she built with my Dad. She seemed to find a certain peace once she was home vs. the stark, cold heartlessness of the green-tiled hospital room.

WE were all around her when she took her last breath. I am so thankful that we were there. And I believe she felt the kisses and the love we gave her during those final two weeks of her life on earth. My brother and I took turns smelling her and kissing her and just laying next to her. And I feel it was such a gift to have those final days with her...watching her rest in a peaceful state.

Now she is free from pain. Though we are all empty and endure such a physical void everyday, we believe she is in a better place. We are lucky to have had her for as long as we did.

I am so thankful to have this forum to talk about the experience of watching a parent suffer...feeling helpless..blaming myself....not sure of how I will ever go on without my mom. I never thought this could happen to me or our family. But my mom would want us to go on.

And we will do what we can to raise awareness for detecting this disease early.

cppm · New User Joined: 27 Jan 2006 Posts: 4

to KMS - you do get past the pain- each loss is different and takes it's own time and prosses for you to get past the pain part. I have lost a lot of people in my life - you get to a point when the pain gets less and less and you remember that the people you loved and lossed do not want you sad. they want you to get back in the world and live and love and the best you can do for them is particpate and not loose hope to see the world as a bright place. this is very hard to do at times. there is so much to bring us down but i feel we have to see the sun.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

First of all, my sincere sympathies to you and your family for the loss of your mom. It's a hard reality to accept that our moms are no longer with us. Although their memories are forever, I miss her everyday presence.

That was exactly my reaction when I first joined this forum. I read so many entries that was all too familiar with what I went through with my mom. It helps to have a place where you can vent out your feelings, especially anonymously.

I'm at work right now, sort of multi-tasking. When I read your post, I had to turn myself away from work. It just brought it all back for me.

Back in September 2005, my mom was experiencing indigestion which she thought was from over-eating on the weekend. She's had indigestions before (who hasn't, right?) and she took her usual Tums and it went away, but this time, it didn't. After four days of enduring the stomach pain, she finally decided to have my dad take her to emergency. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on September 20 and she passed away, October 17, 2005.

What kind of cancer is this? We didn't even have time to accept that she had cancer and then have her gone within less than a month. I've never seen my mom so brave. She cried only once...the first time the doctor told her how long she had to live. After that, she accepted her illness and her time. I remember her sitting on the hospital bed, telling us all what her wishes were (it still to this day, makes me cry). I remember telling her to stop talking like that, and I had to leave the hospital room uncontrollaby crying.

Everynight I dedicate a rosary for her. I remember a week after she passed away, during my prayer, I asked God if my mom's okay and if she's with her mom, dad and older sister. That night, my mom appeared to me in my dream. I asked her if she was okay, to which she responded, "I'm fine." I asked her if she was with her mom/dad/sister and she answered, "I'm with everybody." She was in a hurry. She was all dressed up for a party. She said, "I have to go", and I said, "Okay. Bye."

I don't know if you believe in these things, but I think my mom communicates with us through our dreams. It helps us a bit, in that every now and then, we get to see her, but it's not the same as having her with us everyday.

Use this forum to help you grieve. It will help you somewhat to know that you're not alone. Pancreatic cancer is a cruel disease in that not many survive it and that it's so aggressive, you're left with no time to accept it.

Take care...

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

KMS,

This is another forum I also visit. Check it out...

http://www.memory-of.com/Forums/ShowForum.aspx?ForumID=17

randihope · New User Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 1

[quote="cppm"][b]I thank you all for sharing your stories and all of the courage you have shown in your letters. I am expericing the grief of a loved one that was recently diagnosed with pancreatic and liver cancer – stage 4. It has only been a few weeks since the diagnoses. I can not get past my sadness. I know I have to be strong for him and his family, but I can not get myself pass this point. Does anyone have any suggestions on how they did it. I can not stop crying for them. My hart is aching. [size=18][/size][/b][/quote]

My dad was diagnosed on May17th and I thought my heart was breaking. I couldn't stop crying for a month. The sadness was overwhelming and it was so hard to function. However, slowly but surely I started getting used to "one day at a time". I stopped thinking about next year or even next month. It has given me more of a reason to call my dad a few times a day just to let him know how much I love him and how important he is to me. Sometimes the sadness and tears will hit me when I least expect it, but I am trying to keep my "mourning" for later. Each day is like a year and I've learned to savor the good moments and pray the bad ones don't last very long. I hope it helps.

Angelwings58 · New User Joined: 26 Jul 2006 Posts: 2

Hi,

I was just reading some of the posts and it saddens me to see that this doesn't end anywhere! I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer a year ago yesterday 7-25-05. Even though a year has gone by, it all seems like just yesterday we were hearing she had cancer. I've lost other family members but for some reason it's harder to loose a mother. I know what your all going through, it's so hard to think about how everything happened. I still can't figure it out. She was basically healthy which makes it harder to accept what happened to her. After reading all your posts, I guess I should feel lucky that she lived with pancreatic cancer for 2.5 years and I had all that extra time with her. The length of time she lived was unheard of with this type of cancer. From what I hear and read most people only live weeks or months once diganosed. She amazed doctors everyday. My mom never complained while going for treatments. I do thank God that she did well with them and didn't suffer until the last 4 weeks of her life. It was the worse thing to see what she went through and not be able to do anything for her. All I can say is be strong....they get their strength from you! Enjoy every minute, say things you've never said and be there for them to the end! Then you will never have any regrets and even though they are gone and it's hard to accept, you will find peace! God Bless you all through your very difficult time!

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Randihope,

It's devastating to find out a loved one has cancer. My mom's diagnosis came as a shock to me. I was definite sure that was she had could've been cured by some antibiotics. I remember getting a phone call at work from my mom, her telling me they found masses on her pancreas, gallbladder and liver. I couldn't breathe. I started crying so hard, I was hyperventilating at my desk. I phoned my husband and he couldn't understand what I was saying, but he knew it was bad because he had never heard me like that before.

I went to the hospital straight from work. I remember having pep talks with myself of how strong I will be walking into her hospital room. I told myself to be strong because my mom needs me to be her strength right now. If I cry infront of my mom, she'll feel sad and it'll lessen her hopes. I remember telling her that our technology is advanced and just because they say cancer, doesn't mean it's over. As hard as it was for her and our family, we kept everything positive. We held on to our hopes that this is not the end.

The hospital became like our second home. We got her a private room and my dad stayed all night with my mom. I'm so glad we did that. I think she realized how important she is to us during her last weeks. The whole family just stayed around in the hospital room, watching TV, eating as a family, talking, laughing and reminiscing about the good old days.

Sorry, I'm rambling on. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you have to be strong for them. Reflect your strength on to them. Help the family out as much as you can because believe me, it is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining.

I'm so glad that my mom got to hysterically laugh during her hospitalization. I'd like to share with you what we laughed about. I hope you don't think it's dumb. Here it goes....

My dad has had problems with releasing gases (farting hahaha). He had surgery a long time ago and after the surgery, he has been unable to control his gas (he can't hold or stop it). It's embarrassing for him and the family especially when you're at a quiet environment, and all of a sudden you hear him fart. My dad especially gets very gasy when he is tense or nervous. After my mom had her biopsy done, we were all in the hospital room anxiously waiting for the doctor to tell us the news. Finally, the doctor came in. The doctor proceeded to say, "It's cancer"...prrrrt (my dad lets out one)....the doctor looks at my dad and continues..."It's inoperable"....prrrrrrrrrrt (my dad gets up and starts pacing back and forth)....."You might have one week or one year to live".... prrrrrt... prrrrt... prrrrrrrrt....."It's hard to say with this type of cancer".... prrrrrrrrrrrt......

You get the idea...The doctor was in the room with us for a good 30 minutes and my dad just kept going. When the doctor left, we laughed, instead of crying. We were holding back our laughter and I don't think we soaked in the information. Like they say, laughter is a great medicine, even if it's just for the moment.

Take care and may God give you the strength to help.

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