desperate for help and guidence

lilmissstarlet · Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 2:21 am Post subject: desperate for help and guidence

Im 21 years old, and my partner is 23. My partners dad has cancer and i dont know how i can cope anymore. i really need help! Sad

Weve known about my partners dads cancer, leukemia in fact, we were told about the 23rdish of Feb, and had 5 days of chemo starting the next Monday. after 5 days of chemo, parts of his body had shut down. he's on all these machines, one for breathing, one for his failed kidneys, and most probably a few more, but ill get to that later. he's also in an induced comma, which he was out of, but now is back in it again. he' in alot of pain and is very uncomfortable.

when my partners dad took his first bad turn he was in Melbourne (Victora) for work (We live in Sydney, NSW - totally differnt state), but he flew down to Hobart, Tasmania (yet again another totally differnt state) where his parents live.
after a few days he had asked if i wanted to go down there too. i told him that its probably just family time and i didnt want to "impose" (if i had used the right word there i am still yet to determine) also i thought it would save money as i knew we would be having financial troubles and knew (and hoped) my partner would be helping his parents out with bills and things.

My partner (Ryan) has been down there by his parents and sisters side for 2 and a bit weeks now. his dad (David) has been getting a little tiny bit better and then getting worse again. everyone down there is apparently very positive.

its very hard for me to be positive and try and help and support Ryan with everything. not being there. not seeing it all. not seeing David hooked up to all these machines and such.

but what makes it worse and even harder for me is since Saturday when i spoke to Ryan then, he actually told me he didnt want to speak to me, and was not in the mood to speak to me. i let him go and have given him time and space, but also sent a few messages via mobile phone to ask how David is and how Ryan and the rest of his family is. it hasnt been often that ive had a reply back. i know that its only been a few days, but i just cant handle it anymore.

Ryan is now not letting me know how things are, and i know he is exhausted, but why is he locking me out?

there was a few mobile messages last night and in each one at the end of my message i wrote "i love you" and had nothing sent back about that Sad

and today i tried to call him several times and he would not answer. he finally rang me back and said he was on a bus.

at the end of that conversation which may have lasted 5 miniutes, i again asid "i love you" and all he said was "ill talk to you later, bye"

what im wondering is this:
is this natural behaviour from someone going through this?
why do YOU think my partner of 3 years will not tell me he loves me?
isnt this a "time of need" and he would need me to be there for him and try and stay as strong as possible? (which is what ive trying to do), if so then why is he pushing me away? there would be days where he wouldnt let me know a thing about whats going on and how his dad is.
how should i approach this situation? should i try and talk to him every night to see how things are, or should i wait untill he calls me?

im so hurt and confused about my partners actions but am also trying to wave them by as i know he's going through a terribly tough time right now. but its all making it so hard for me to be there for him.

i dont know what to do and hope that someone out there can help and advise me. i really cant handle this anymore.

and i also think that when my partner comes back home he will break up with me - thats just how ive been feeling about it all anyway. i truley hope not as i love Ryan with all my heart and cant imagine myself with anyone else.

this posting may look "selfish" in most aspects, and as i truely care about David and the whole family, i also need help and guidence for me. trying to carry the weight for someone is very hard work, esspecially when your in two differnt states, and barely see a soul due to the fact that as sad as it is, life still goes on out there so my family and friends have barely shown their face.

im sorry this post is so long and probably boring, but i need some guidence and i thought that if i just blabbed out a ton of information then someone can hopefully help.

Love Mel

mousa

This is tough. You and your partner are so young and have so much to cope with. It's barely a month since the diagnosis and the whole family will be in an upheaval. Of course they are being positive but Dad is obviously very ill. It is possible that your partner just can't talk with you because he is feeling so choked up and having to be strong for the rest of the family. Perhaps now is the time to tell him you are going to join him and help him see this through. Go there and help the family, do the cooking and grocery shopping, the laundry and whatever else. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Val

lilmissstarlet

thank you for your reply mousa.
i would love to go down there but Ryan is coming home on Saturday (if his dad doesnt get worse again.) i should have gone down there when he offered, but i thought i'd try and save money. since that talk that Ryan and i had he's run into some finacial problems of his dads that he has had to take over. i dont know if this will effect us in the long run either as i have not yet found work and have been out of work for a while.

i know Saturday is in just a few days but its just getting unbearable for me. every second feels like it takes a year to go by. also because im stressing so much and so worried about everything, my breathing is getting all out of wack. its not normal breathing and have to take a big breath all the time to try and get some extra air that ive been missing out on.

i also dont know what to say to Ryan on the phone or in mobile messages. but i dont think anyone knows what to say when their family member is so close to death.

oh, and what i left off from my last message - his dad is 55. 56 this year. but im not sure if that makes a difference

Love Mel

mousa

Ryan will be home on Saturday - just 3 more nights. And you have to get a grip on yourself. Worrying about whether or not he is going to leave you will get you nowhere at the moment.

If Dad deteriorates and Ryan cannot get home ask if you can come help the family. I am presuming that since you and Ryan have been partners for 3 years that you and his family know each other.

Dad being only 55 makes a big difference. Major illnesses come unexpectedly and unasked. We all believe that we will go on to see children married and grandchildren and will maybe even sit great grandchildren on our knee. Then the unexpected happens and everything is upside down. Then relatives and friends should step in to ensure that the family is supported. Practical help can be enormously helpful, as is knowing that a good friend will be there immediately if called.

Everyone also needs to send good thoughts and prayers for the patient that he will be cured, and to all the family that they be strengthened and supported.

Now sit down, take a few deep, calming breaths and ask God to help you do the right thing now, when Ryan comes home on Saturday, [b]and always.[/b]Love from Val.

lilmissstarlet

Thank you for your last post mousa, however forward it was, it was comforting. maybe i need "fowardness" at the moment. it might help to try and get my head straight.

yes, i was thinking that if he has to stay down there again then i would ask if i could go down there too, however im not sure how much more leave Ryan has left from work. he might have to come home no matter what.

yes i know his family. weve spent the past 3 Christmas's together and have seen them for weddings and little holidays. his mother is such a beautiful person who would do anything for anyone. and she adores me Wink

and his sister is wonderful too.. weve gone out shopping together and had fun just the two of us, even though it was still pretty scarry! lol dont want to get on the wrong side of the family! Razz

i dont know what i believe in, so therefore i do not pray or anything. but i always look to the stars. and have been doing so in this time of need - for David, for his wife, for his kids, and even his mother (the poor thing! no parent wants to outlive their kids however old any of them are). also for all of davids brothers and sisters and ...well.. just all of their family.. and this week, for myself.

Thank you mousa Smile

much love to you and yours!

Love Mel

mousa

Dear Mel,

Your head will come straight, no doubt about that. You are a lucky girl to have such good in-laws'. Take care of them.

Do you believe in love? I bet you do. Then you believe in God. God IS Love.

Let me know how things go. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Val

mousa

Dear Mel,

Thank you for reminding me about the stars. Pure magic!!

Love, Val

bethanyaok

Hi Mel! It's so hard for everyone, especially when it's so sudden. Don't try to second guess your boyfriend and his actions (or inactions). Under stress we often lose our ability to think and communicate clearly. Perhaps this may be happening for your boyfriend. Sometimes we don't know what we want to what will help./ Sometimes the words just don't come.

There are some good organizations in your country that may be able to give you support. One I have read about is North Sydney Central Coastal Health (Cancer Services). They seem to have some great support programs. I'm sure if you called their helpline they can tell you more. Here's a link to their web page.

http://www.cancercare.org.au/www/html/9-home-page.asp

You're in a tough spot. I'm sure you want to put your needs aside to help your boyfriend. Yet, at the same time you are having all sorts of feelings. You want to be closer to help out, and I imagine you are wanting some support for all you're experiencing. I think the best you can do is be there for him... as close (or not) as he will allow. And at the same time get yourself some support from other friends, families, and support organizations. I hope your weekend offers some healing for you and you partner.

Bethany
_________________
Bethany
breast cancer dx 4/17/00
4 AC, 28 rads, tamoxifen
7 years NED, and counting!
BRCA2+ 2/1/07

Lost Dad to Lung Cancer June '05

lilmissstarlet

hello!!
so sorry its taken me so long to reply, and im sorry but this is just going to be a little quick one today.

David has been a pure rollercoster this past week!! on Thursday or Friday he had a cat scan, they found he had a stroke sometime in the past two weeks and they didnt know when. So Ryan had stayed there another week and now has pretty much no leave left from work.

good news is David (apparently) seemed to look so much better yesterday and was a bit talkative (theyve put a hole in his neck and now his breathing tube is there instead of down his throat!

Ryan said he was a bit more comfortable as well!! oh and he was also asking for his radio, tv and set top box to be brought in!!! hahaha... the other day he said "ive been here for 3 days, i just want to go home to my own bed" no one had the heart to tell him it had been 3 weeks

Yesterday was Sue and Davids wedding anniversary, no one had the heart to tell him that either. it just would have upset him being in the hospital, but apparently after seeing him Sue was all chirpy and happy!

the other day i fell to pieces on the phone to Ryan and asked if i could go down there "what if this is the last chance that i get to see him?", Ryan said "no! i dont think its a good idea" i still wonder whyalthough he gave me the reason of cause David didnt even want him down there.

Yesterday was alos Ryan and mine, 3rd year anniversary of being together. it was a horrible morning really... then he called me and was really quiet and i had to drag an "i love you" out of him and when we hung up i said "happy anniversary" he said "you too" maybe i read into things too much....
well... not long after the door bell rang and there was a beautiful large bouquet of 24 perfect long stem roses and the card reads "Happy three years, Sorry i couldnt be there. Love Ryan" TOTALLY turned my day around!!!

so i think that brings us up to today.. so much has happend im sure ive left things out! its been looking like a pattern really! monday/tuesdays and he gets better... but Thursdays and Fridays are the real challenge and he gets wrose! so we'll see what today and tomorrow brings to wether Ryan comes home on Saturday.

im really hoping things go ok and not down hill... i cant handle this anymore!

mousa - yes i believe in love, of course i do! im in it and deep! i just hope the feeling is still returned.i guess we'll find out when he's home

bethanyaok - thanks for posting! yes i want to help him out as much as possible, but i have to admit i have been falling apart on him latley. im such a woose! haha... his mum has srength! alot of it! i really admire that about her and doesnt know how she does it! ive been getting support from a few friends and have recently contacted my dad (last time we spoke we had a bit of a fight.. that was maybe 2 or 3 months ago) but he hasnt brought it up and e-mailed me yesterday to see how its all going - its been good to talk to him again! although he wasnt much help to me.

ok, best be off! so much for a short quick one!

wish us luck with Davids health for today and tomorow!
ill write next when i can!

Love Mel

mousa

Dear Mel,

You are sounding like a new girl. Isn't it wonderful what 24 roses can do?
You obviously admire Ryan's mother. You know Mel, when we need to be strong we get it from somewhere - it just comes. Keep on posting to let us know how everything is. Our thoughts are with you and Ryan and his family every day.

Love,

Val.

lilmissstarlet

yes, i was sounding like a new person. i felt like one too...

im sorry its taken so long, there hasnt been any new news..........till now Sad

Ryan came home a week and a bit ago, everything was fine - apparently anyway.

tonight.....well... earlier yesterday afternoon/night (its jsut past midnight now) he sat me down on the couch (with him having a few drinks of course) and said that we are over and its for me to try and do better then him. i really canot see myself with anyone else. i cannot do better then him!!!! he is more then i have ever imagined in my whole life! i dont want anyone else but him.

i dont know if it was the drinks talking, how he is feeling with the stress from his dad, or wether its really how he really feels! i really do not know. he tried to tell me it was honestly that he "knows" i can do better then him. i know that a load of bull! i would like to know the honest truth in where i stand in this relationship...whatever is left of it anyway.

That unfortunetly was not the end of the day. we had a phone call later on in the night... David had enough and was ready to go. we had another phone call 5 or 10 miniutes later saying he had passed away. so sad! what a horrible day!

i asked Ryan if i could go to the airport with him and he said no. he needs to go alone and if he wants me then he will get me down there......but i really cannot see him inviting me to the funeral, and i dont want to push it, although i do want to say my good-bye's!

not sure what else to say at this point of time...my head hurts... too much crying and no sleep, no food for well over 24 hours, and also ive had a few drinks myself...

So sorry its all bad news Sad

Love Mel

mousa

Dear Mel,

You are having it tough at the moment. I feel that, first, you should phone Ryan's mother to give your condolences.

Also, while Ryan is away for the next few days you, yourself, should think about going for counselling. Find out where the nearest center is and go speak with a professional counsellor.

Then, wait until Ryan is home to see what Ryan is thinking about the two of you.

Good luck and God bless. Love, Val.

robertsonh1131 · New User Joined: 23 May 2006 Posts: 3

I have been looking for the most appropriate topic to speak to somebody myself about this and Im am so relieved that there are other people out there in the same predicament. Also I just didnt want to seem "selfish" by going on about my feelings when in fact it is my boyfriends dad that has died from lung cancer. Please see relevant posts from lindsayvine "gotta "deal with it" and "to those who have lost" He doesnt know I am posting this. Quick synopsis - My boyfriends dad died 11 days after being diagnosed of lung cancer in March. We have been going out for a year and we started living together after a few months. Needless to say that lindsay organised EVERYTHING after Bob died. He exceeded all expectations. He truly was a saint. He is the only one who was/is providing a shoulder. We have had quite a bad time in our relationship as a result. I tried to help, tried to say the right thing and do the right thing. Helped his mum with lifts and general things. Thought I was doing good but we still had arguments and basically he closed off to me. Now he has finished with me and all he keeps saying is that he knows this is the right thing to do and doesnt want a future. If you know me and him you would understand that this is a bolt out of the blue, yes its been tough for us but I really believe that he is just run out of steam and cannot deal with anything other than his work and his mum (who lives next door to us). He wont admit its got anything to do with his hurt/rage/anger/dispair at Bob dying. He has lost hope and his faith and mines is gradually disappearing too. But im still clinging to some hope that it will all turn out ok. He says Ive forced him into getting counselling and Im sorry he feels like that but he just cant seem to realise Ive coerced him into it for his own good. But its wrong because i now realise he has to want to do it himself. We are due to go on holiday next week and im broken hearted. I feel like ive done something wrong and feel like Ive nobody to turn to. Lindsay cant turn to me and I feel useless. So Mel Im so glad I read your topic - you feel on your own in these situatuions and you feel you shouldnt say anything in case you get called selfish. I know I have in the past. I just need to know my boyfriend loves me and still wants to be with me as I truly believe we are soulmates. Crying or Very sad

mousa

Dear RobertsonH,

My heart goes out to you and your boyfriend and his mother.

You are not to feel guilty about getting your boyfriend to go to counselling. He took the final decision to go to counselling because he realized he needed to do it. There are times that a person needs a push to do a sensible thing. You gave the push and your boyfriend is doing the right thing. I am sure that he will benefit from counselling. And you have done everything else exactly right.

I think that young men have a particularly hard time dealing with the death of a loved one. Suddenly the young man realizes that death can happen at any minute. And your boyfriend is having to deal with his Mum's sorrow as well as his own. Be patient. Your boyfriend will come through this and be a better man for it.

Patience with others is Love,
Patience with self is Hope,
Patience with God is faith.
Abel Bestavros

robertsonh1131 · New User Joined: 23 May 2006 Posts: 3

Thanks Val. Currently I have moved out and giving him the space he needs whilst giving myself space to see if we are splitting up because we are not meant to be or because he is so depressed that he doesnt know what he is doing. I pray to god that all will be ok. Feel particularly sad today.

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