How do you walk away

Em · New User Joined: 03 Sep 2009 Posts: 1

I have a close friend who has terminal breast cancer that has spread to many other parts of her body. She was originally given 6 months but has lived for 15 since then. She seems to be deteriorating, has stopped eating and confided recently that she feels she is getting ready to die. I have lived this cancer with her through ups and downs since the day she was diagnosed.

Now suddenly she is pushing me away, she wont talk for long periods of time, doesnt invite me to things and recently unfreinded me on facebook. I dont think its just me I dont see any of her long time freinds around anymore. Instead there seem to be a load of new people in her life. I do understand basically the concept of distancing but it still hurts that here at what might be the end she wants to be around people she has just met and is pushing away someone who has been with her through it all.

Does anyone have any experience dealing with this situation. What do you do, do you just accept that she is doing what she needs to do and walk away or do you fight for a place in her life, I dont know what to do Sad

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 2402

Hi Em,

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend and her decline. It is common for this kind of thing to happen and I've seen the same with my Mom and her best friend.

They are preparing to leave this earth and part of that is a need to begin letting go from the people they love. It's not a conscious action, it's part of the dying process. No matter how close and how long you've been by her side, this happens. I think she may have been trying to tell you that. Many spouses will tell you that even their most beloved began to pull away from them.

The closer one gets to their time the tighter they pull in ranks. My husband and I became very isolated toward the end because he didn't feel well enough to cope with a lot of people around. I think our extended family was surprised when "the call" came because we kept to ourselves so much. This may NOT apply to all people or in all scenarios, but is my best guess for what is happening to your friend.

Are her "new friends" people she has met through cancer groups and gone through this experience? Are they more church related? If so, this may be in her comfort zone as they have a better understanding if you've traveled this journey before. It's also easier to detach from people when there is less of a bond.

Some of this is conjecture from my own experiences and some is pretty well studied. I know my Mom's friend was very hurt, but it really isn't about everyone else, it's about how the person who is dying needs to make it work for them.

I hope this gives you at least some understanding. Maybe you can let her know how much you still love her by sending notes and cards.

Feel free to ask questions as this is a tough time for everyone.

God bless,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

LucyM · Experienced user Joined: 06 Jul 2009 Posts: 51

Oh how terribly hard for you Sad

PBJ - some wisdom there, and something I will try to bear in mind unless I find myself in Em's position one of these days.

Would you say that it is Ok for Em to allow herself to grieve a little, now - I ask as it must be very difficult when you have effectively lost the person you love so much, yet you know they have not died - I suppose it might seem wrong to begin the grieving process already, but what are you supposed to feel when this happens.

I hate to say it but I already feel I'm grieving a little for my friend. She is in the early stages of diagnosis and treatment, but already she is not the same, everything has altered as she tries to come to terms with what may or may not happen.

I wish one day that I might have her back, how she was, but I don't know if that will ever be the case. I guess we all grieve a little when someone takes a diagnosis like cancer.

Wendy W · New User Joined: 09 Sep 2009 Posts: 5 Location: Abbotsford

My husband is dying and he started being mean and saying bad things about our adult daughter. Neither my daughter nor I knew what to do at first.
My daughter wrote her Dad a letter telling him how much he meant to her and how much she loved him and no matter what he did she was there for him. He read the letter and at first was angry. He didn't want to see her for several days.
Then all of a sudden he said he missed her and was sorry for all he had said and done.
They are closer now and I am so greatful.
Sometimes a letter or a card can help.

Wendy

bzybzybzy · New User Joined: 10 Oct 2009 Posts: 7

Em,

I know this sounds terrible, but my mom had fought her cancer for 18 months. At the time of her diagnosis, she had only a 2% chance of surviving longer than a year. About two weeks before she died, she started to be really mean to me. I was young (still in highschool) and the only child still at home. I was with her everyday. My dad traveled for work and was only home on the weekends.

She had a course of full body radiation (this is many years ago) that left her with terrible burns on the palms of her hands and the bottoms of her feet. She could no longer do anything for herself. She was miserable, bedridden and tired of fighting for everyone else. I remember sitting with her and telling her that it was okay if she didn't want to fight anymore. We (her family) would be fine. She made me promise to go away to college and not stay home to take care of my dad. She was afraid that I wouldn't start my life, so she was fighting and trying to stay alive to make sure I moved on to the next stage.

After that conversation, we were okay again. She was afraid of letting me (and my sisters down) by dying. Everyday, I told her I would help her fight or not - what ever she wanted. She needed to know that she could just stop - she was tired and ready to move on.

It took me years to admit to my dad, that I had told my mom that it was okay to stop fighting. I felt like she gave up because I had told her to. My dad told me that she had told him how thankful she was that she raised such and brave and mature daughter, and that it gave her great peace to know that I could handle losing her.

Just my story. I don't know if it will help or not.
_________________
Mom died of AML after an 18 month battle including chemo, radiation, and a bone marrow transplant at the age of 48.
Dad diagnosed with prostate cancer, lung cancer, melanoma, and possibly brain cancer (could be mets) between the ages of 70 and 75.

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