Losing my Mum

D4ni3ll3 · Regular Joined: 12 Aug 2008 Posts: 17 Location: NZ

Hi all,

I see this looks like a good place to chat about things. My names Danielle, I'm 22 and from New Zealand.

My Mum at 46, 47 in November was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer in November last year with a tumor 5cm x 5cm in her right lung which was inoperable. She's had chemo & radiotherapy for it only to find out 3 weeks after finishing the radiotherapy (4 weeks ago) that it's now spread to the liver, stomach & a tumor attached to the side of her throat/gland area. She is refusing treatment on the tumor by her throat.

It all started out as a cough & progressed into worse symptoms. Over the last 2 weeks she's started throwing up heaps, falling asleep all of the time, feeling really nautious, having anxiety attacks when she can't breathe (because of the tumor pressing on her throat I'm guessing) & I don't know how long she has left because the doctors don't like giving prognosis' over here. One Onchologyst said 4 weeks ago that "It could be weeks or a couple of months" but it's not until the last 2 weeks that she's become alot worse & they've prescribed her morphine.

I live 3.5 hours drive from her & don't know if I should be taking next week off because she may not be around that long or what...

I can't talk to my brother who lives up there 5 minutes drive from her because he's a alcoholic & isn't good at communicating about anything to do with Mum being sick.

Danielle
_________________
xo Love my Mum xo

idobelieveinfairies · Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 7:01 am Post subject: Re: Losing my Mum

I am sorry to hear about your mother. She is very young and you are as well. I don't know that much about these types of cancers. Hopefully someone will come along that will be able to give you more information. Do they have any kind of support system that you could sign her up for? Here we have hospice to help patients and family members care for our loved ones when they are in their final stages. Talk to her doctors about pain control and ask for something for her nausea (i have always spelt that word wrong). They can also perscribe her something for her anxiety attacks. Also very important is to get a second opinion if possible.
Please try to speak with your brother about her situation. You may be suprised at his response, maybe be even stop drinking for awhile to help care for your mom. Spend every moment you can with her. Doctors can't really tell how long your mother has only God knows that. They can however tell you when things begin to shut down in the final stages. Sorry I could not be of more help. I wish your mother well.

karolynca · Experienced user Joined: 13 May 2008 Posts: 51

Sending all my support to you, my dad recently died as you can see in my signature. Drs take care of saying any prognosis, I suggest you look for certain signs that could indicate time shortening or death approaching, I found this guide to be helpful during my dad's last days of life

What are the signs that death is approaching? What can the caregiver do to make the patient comfortable?
Certain signs and symptoms can help a caregiver anticipate when death is near. They are described below, along with suggestions for managing them. It is important to remember that not every patient experiences each of the signs and symptoms. In addition, the presence of one or more of these symptoms does not necessarily indicate that the patient is close to death. A member of the patient's health care team can give family members and caregivers more information about what to expect.

Drowsiness, increased sleep, and/or unresponsiveness (caused by changes in the patient's metabolism).

The caregiver and family members can plan visits and activities for times when the patient is alert. It is important to speak directly to the patient and talk as if the person can hear, even if there is no response. Most patients are still able to hear after they are no longer able to speak. Patients should not be shaken if they do not respond.

Confusion about time, place, and/or identity of loved ones; restlessness; visions of people and places that are not present; pulling at bed linens or clothing (caused in part by changes in the patient's metabolism). Gently remind the patient of the time, date, and people who are with them. If the patient is agitated, do not attempt to restrain the patient. Be calm and reassuring. Speaking calmly may help to re-orient the patient.

Decreased socialization and withdrawal (caused by decreased oxygen to the brain, decreased blood flow, and mental preparation for dying).

Speak to the patient directly. Let the patient know you are there for them. The patient may be aware and able to hear, but unable to respond. Professionals advise that giving the patient permission to “let go” can be helpful.

Decreased need for food and fluids, and loss of appetite (caused by the body's need to conserve energy and its decreasing ability to use food and fluids properly).

Allow the patient to choose if and when to eat or drink. Ice chips, water, or juice may be refreshing if the patient can swallow. Keep the patient's mouth and lips moist with products such as glycerin swabs and lip balm.

Loss of bladder or bowel control (caused by the relaxing of muscles in the pelvic area).

Keep the patient as clean, dry, and comfortable as possible. Place disposable pads on the bed beneath the patient and remove them when they become soiled.

Darkened urine or decreased amount of urine (caused by slowing of kidney function and/or decreased fluid intake).

Caregivers can consult a member of the patient's health care team about the need to insert a catheter to avoid blockage. A member of the health care team can teach the caregiver how to take care of the catheter if one is needed.

Skin becomes cool to the touch, particularly the hands and feet; skin may become bluish in color, especially on the underside of the body (caused by decreased circulation to the extremities).

Blankets can be used to warm the patient. Although the skin may be cool, patients are usually not aware of feeling cold. Caregivers should avoid warming the patient with electric blankets or heating pads, which can cause burns.

Rattling or gurgling sounds while breathing, which may be loud; breathing that is irregular and shallow; decreased number of breaths per minute; breathing that alternates between rapid and slow (caused by congestion from decreased fluid consumption, a buildup of waste products in the body, and/or a decrease in circulation to the organs).

Breathing may be easier if the patient's body is turned to the side and pillows are placed beneath the head and behind the back. Although labored breathing can sound very distressing to the caregiver, gurgling and rattling sounds do not cause discomfort to the patient. An external source of oxygen may benefit some patients. If the patient is able to swallow, ice chips also may help. In addition, a cool mist humidifier may help make the patient's breathing more comfortable.

Turning the head toward a light source (caused by decreasing vision).

Leave soft, indirect lights on in the room.

Increased difficulty controlling pain (caused by progression of the disease).

It is important to provide pain medications as the patient's doctor has prescribed. The caregiver should contact the doctor if the prescribed dose does not seem adequate. With the help of the health care team, caregivers can also explore methods such as massage and relaxation techniques to help with pain.

Involuntary movements (called myoclonus), changes in heart rate, and loss of reflexes in the legs and arms are additional signs that the end of life is near.
_________________
Dad ~ Passed away from Multiorgan failure due to secondary liver cancer on July 2008

http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=34365

isdon13 · New User Joined: 17 Aug 2008 Posts: 2

My advice would be take time off work. Go to your Mum.
My Mum was in hospital for 2 weeks with various symptoms, none of which were indicitive of her eventual diagnosis of primary lung cancer which had spread to her liver, kidneys, bones, adrenal glands and lymph nodes. 3 weeks later she was gone.
I was in hospital myself for the first 2 weeks that she was, I was 37 weeks pregnant and having complications.
My baby was born on 21 June. We left hospital on the 26th June and went straight to my Mum in her hospital. I spent the next 2 weeks doing normal stuff, visiting Mum when i was not busy and was not tired.
As she worsened i eventually spent most of the day with her, went home at 6pm to see my 18 month off to bed and then went back to the hospital till Mum went to sleep. In the last few days she called me in to the hospital at 2 am and 4 am, thinking it was time for her to die and then realising she had " been silly" and it was just a "false alarm," we giggled about it. That was on the Tuesday night and she died on the Thurdasy morning.
I did not realise how painful it would be...losing my Mum. I wish i had of spent every waking hour with her, telling her how much i loved her and how much she meant to me. She knew but i just wish i could do it over.
Please, if you are close to your Mum, dont end up feeling like i do now, go to her, be with her, she is irreplaceable and that dosn't sink in till she is gone.
In addition to the last post, signs to look for... restless legs, just never being comfortable for more than 2 minutes, the big sign is when they start reaching out for something in front of them (like they are trying for the grab triangle above their head.)
Also in the last 2 hours my Mums legs went a horrible purple color that started at the knees and went up to thr thighs.
I was with my Mum when she died. My sister and i were either side of her, holding her hand. Her breathing was extremely shallow and raspy. We watched each breath and waited for the next one, sometimes taking 6 seconds to come. When i realised she was not going to breath again i screamed out loud " no Mum im not ready yet" she took another breath, that was so selfish of me as she probably heard me and tried so hard to breath again even tho i had told her she could go when she needed to.
Nobody warned me about her eyes....they dilated and it was horrible. I screamed for someone to to shut her eyes, they tried but they wouldnt close. That vision still haunts me.
Sorry if this has been long winded and perhaps too much information but if i can help you in a way that i wasn't, then i will be glad.
My thoughts are with you.
_________________
Daphne Rose Moore...my mum...my inspirartion...my hero.
22 November 1946 - 17 July 2008 Aged 61

D4ni3ll3 · Regular Joined: 12 Aug 2008 Posts: 17 Location: NZ

Thank you all. I find any information helpful. It's just so hard to choose when to go up & take a week off work as I don't want to be too early or too late... I'm sure some of you know what I mean. Ideally I want to be there when she goes, I want to be there to support her and let her know it's okay.

Thanks for the support guys, will keep you posted. Any more information is much appreciated.

Danielle
_________________
xo Love my Mum xo

bkerber1 · Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 9:35 pm Post subject: Re: Losing my Mum

Danielle,
Im so sorry. I do know what you are dealing with as far as taking off and when to time it. I do know that no one knows for sure when the end will come and if you wait and she doesnt make it, you will never forgive yourself. Go now, be with your mom, tell her everything you ever might have wanted her to know. When her time comes hopefully you will be able to get some time off to be with her. I wish you comfort and peace.

Becky
_________________
Dad diagnosed NSCLC adenocarcinoma 1/06 passed 5/6/06
Mom diagnosed large cell anaplastic lung cancer 3/06
passed 5/1/06

brainman · Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: Re: Losing my Mum

Danielle, I am very sorry about your mother's cancer. I am not sure were "up there" is for you. When my mother was sick, I had enough vacation time and family leave time to go spend the last months of her life with her. I know that I was very fortunate and that most people cannot do that.

Stay in as close contact with your mother as you possibly can. She will give you clues that will help you make your decision.

You and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

D4ni3ll3 · Regular Joined: 12 Aug 2008 Posts: 17 Location: NZ

My last post today was deleted but what I said was:

Mum has now fainted twice, is sleeping alot more, coughing heaps more, being sick alot more. She only has 1/2 cup of coffee and 1/2 cup of fruit juice some days and most of the time she holds none of it down.

Is this very bad? She has worsened by about 50% in the past couple of weeks. I'm going to spend time with her for 3 days & then see if I can take a week off soon.

Thanks for all of the support.
_________________
xo Love my Mum xo

brainman · Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: Re: Losing my Mum

Danielle, often sleeping more and more and eating less and less is a sign that the end is drawing close. However, the trend is what you have to notice and how fast these are progressing. Does your mother have a home nurse coming to see her on a daily or every other day basis? If so, that nurse could be a great resource to you in terms of how fast your mother is getting worse.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

D4ni3ll3 · Regular Joined: 12 Aug 2008 Posts: 17 Location: NZ

Brainman, thanks for the information.

She has a hospice nurse, well more than one which my Nana (her caregiver) can phone if she wants to chat or have a visitor but they don't really tell you anything you don't already know. The NZ health system isn't very good, the didn't even stage her cancer like they do in the US & other countries.

Her nurse at the Onchology/Respiratory Clinic has told me that Mum is getting very sick & maybe could last 4 weeks but she isn't sure.

I'm not sure how to take this prognosis. Sorry I am a bit of a mess at the moment Confused

_________________
xo Love my Mum xo

brainman · Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 6:57 am Post subject: Re: Losing my Mum

Danielle, no need to apologize. I cannot imagine being in your situation. Hugs {{{{Danielle}}}}
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

bkerber1 · Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 8:37 am Post subject: Re: Losing my Mum

Danielle,
I know you are feeling so overwhelmed right now. Im sorry for that. I hope you can make time to go see your mom soon. Sometimes when the end is near, our loved ones are really not in a state that we can converse with them. I hope you can visit with her before she gets to that stage so you can relieve yourself of any guilt later on. Im so sorry you are having to go through this, and so far away. It's very frustrating.
Take care
_________________
Dad diagnosed NSCLC adenocarcinoma 1/06 passed 5/6/06
Mom diagnosed large cell anaplastic lung cancer 3/06
passed 5/1/06

D4ni3ll3 · Regular Joined: 12 Aug 2008 Posts: 17 Location: NZ

Hi guys,

Update:

Mums breathing is getting more wheezy & the hospice nurses have provided her with a hospital bed for at home & some breathing things like an inhaler with a spacer & some nose inhaler, I don't really understand them but they seem to help. She is strictly on Morphine now. I spent a couple of days with her not that long ago & freaked me out because she went out for a 'cancer stick' then couldn't stand up so was helping her inside when she fainted on me and started convulsing. If this happens to anyone else & you know why, please do let me know as I am totally unaware of why it happens, the nurses don't know why either.

xo Danni
_________________
xo Love my Mum xo

brainman · Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 2:30 am Post subject: Re: Losing my Mum

Danielle, I am so sorry to hear that your mother is having problems breathing. It sounds like her brain is not getting enough oxygen but you should ask her doctor about this. If it is a true seizure, there are anti-seizure medications that will help her.

Your mother remains in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

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