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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: AUSTRALIA
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 Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject: Jokes 2. |
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Ok- here is a topic to have some fun with.
All Jokes are welcome- BUT please remember posting policies.
* No Swearing or rude, crude Jokes. No Racist jokes. Or anything else that will offend. (some in humour will be allowd- anything serious will not.)
*If any memeber does not comply- the joke will be deleted. And further action may be decided.
We do want this to work and to be fun- some soft blonde jokes, men v's women etc, will be allowed- untill someone personally PM's me with a problem.
Thank you- Have fun.
Inica
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Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
 9 Lives and still kicking |
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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It takes 46 muscles to frown......
And only 4 to flip em the bird.
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Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 3:19 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A woman, renewing her driver's license
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
'What I mean is, ' explained the recorder,
'do you have a job or are you just a ...?'
'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.
'I'm a Mum.'
'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation,
'housewife' covers it,' Said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself
in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'
'What is your occupation?' she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
'I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.'
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in m midair and
looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
'just what you do in your field?'
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
'I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mum.'
Motherhood!
What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations'
And great grandmothers
'Executive Senior Research Associates?'
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts '
Associate Research Assistants.'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 3:21 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How
about only ten years and I'll give you back the
other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I
give you back ten like the dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty Years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want
me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and
I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For
this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years ? Could you
possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave
back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the
dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family. For
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit
on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 4:15 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at Jupiters Casino when he met up with a striking, but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.
She told him, that she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races in Townsville that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2 she rode out rubbing both her tits. The bloke looked through the race book and found Two Abreast, on which he placed a hundred dollars to win at 5-1. It won by two lengths. 'Fuck, this is great!' he thought. In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her finger around her eye. He put the lot on Eyeliner at 10-1 and was five grand in front.
The next race she came out scratching her arm. he didn't backed nothing.
After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in Races 2 and 4. 'What about Itchy Mickey in the last at 66-1?' she asked.
'Crap' he said, 'I thought you were telling me the Horse was scratched!'
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Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 4:18 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.
One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, and make the best lovin to her, the best she's ever had, until she falls into a deep sleep.
Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best she's ever had, and goes to wash up.
His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
Site Admin
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 4:20 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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brainman
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brainman
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Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 3928
Location: Tennessee
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 12:25 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A dog walks into a bar, puts his paws on the stool and says:
Dog: "Hey, barkeep, look at me. I am a talking dog. Bet you haven't seen a talking dog before. How about a free drink?"
Bar keeper: "Sure.... first door to your right. The first toilet is clean so you might want to drink from the second one."
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Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/ |
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Rotorhead
Regular
Joined: 04 Jun 2008
Posts: 29
Location: Hawaii
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 1:55 am Post subject: Cancer joke |
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True story. Sitting in the chemo room, 5-FU and oxalaplatin dripping away into my body. One of the really great nurses comes up to me and asks me for some contact info. I give her all the usual, including my home phone.
"What about a cell number?"
"I don't use a cell phone" I said.
She was surprised. "Really? Why not?"
"Are you kidding me?" I said. "Those things cause cancer!"
-Rh
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Diagnosed Stage 3 rectal cancer Nov 07
6 weeks chemo/rad Dec 07/Jan 08
Surgery (TME) 11 Feb 08
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ksplat
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Joined: 26 Apr 2007
Posts: 523
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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An Asian woman walks into her local bank branch (Sydney, aust) to cash some currency.
The teller exchanges the money & hands it over.
Asian woman looks at him & says,
"What is wong! Yesterday I get 200 hunat dollas & today I get 180 dollas?!"
The bank teller fixes her eyes, leans forward & says to her, very slowly,
"FLUCTUATIONS."
She stares him back down & says,
"FLUC you Aussies too!"
Cheers, Angie.
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Treatment: Radiotherapy, Temodal, Gliadel Wafers, Dexamethasone, Keppra, Dilantin, Clexane
Went to our Heavenly Father after a 19mth battle
23 Sep 2008
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 3:09 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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I'm still laughing about those two- hehe- good stuff.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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Rotorhead
Regular
Joined: 04 Jun 2008
Posts: 29
Location: Hawaii
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 8:12 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepheeerd?
Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud".
A Scottish Shepherd says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe".
BAZINNNNGGG!
_________________
Diagnosed Stage 3 rectal cancer Nov 07
6 weeks chemo/rad Dec 07/Jan 08
Surgery (TME) 11 Feb 08
6 months FOLFOX started March 08
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sleepyhead
Regular
Joined: 20 Jan 2008
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:16 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A man walks into a bar..
Ouch! xx |
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Girlie Wisdom!
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders , it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
LIVE SIMPLY.....LAUGH OFTEN....LOVE DEEPLY
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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