Hello, I just don't know how to deal with this! Dad

Tarek · New User Joined: 16 May 2008 Posts: 5 Location: Egypt

Hello, i'm Tarek, i'm from Alexandria, Egypt.. i've been reading in this forum for a while now. About a year ago, my dad had some trouble breathing and had shortness of breath, so he went to the doctors and they said it was just some water around the heart, and they would drain it..Then he went in for this and they drained the water but right after he literally couldn't breath, and said he felt as if he was drowning, they did some tests and he came back positive for Beyond stage 4 lung cancer, this all came out of nowhere!!! He was in the hospital for about 2 weeks very tired and having alot of trouble breathing and had to be on oxygen, then finally he was able to come home.. he is 62 yrs old, i am 30

We couldn't tell him he had lung cancer for the first 2 weeks, we wanted him to gain his strengh first, he is a very proud man and was already very shaken from this not being able to breath experience..we went to the doctor and they told him and he handled it pretty well, But they did not tell him he was BEYOND stage 4 *he used to smoke 3 packs a day until about 2 years ago he stopped because he had burgers disease (something from the nicotine blocking the arteries)

Then we did the bone and brain scan and they both came back as cancerous as well (doctor told me he had 3 months to live) they put him on light chemo just 5 sessions i think....he was coughing all the time at home, very bad cough that really used to kill me to hear him like this, he couldn't walk from the bedroom to the toilet without loosing his breath and running for oxygen.. he did not have trouble with brain or bones, he responded well to the light chemo and did not puke or lose hair..(he does not know about the Brain and Bones, if we told him he would JUST GIVE UP..and in Egypt really they don't tell the patient he has a limited time to live unless they ask, plus its all in God's hands anyways///

this was all last June 07" i was with him for about 2 months in Egypt then came back to the states where i am currently working, he gradually got much better and the cough went away and he was now able to get out of bed and no oxygen and go out and so on, i came back to Egypt 8 months later April 08, he looked much better but his leg was very swollen and hurting him by that time and he couldn't leave bed, but he wasn't using the oxygen and looked healthier (Cancer Doc said cancer is stable) But about 3 weeks ago he started having more bone pain, around his pelvis and back and now COUGHING BAD again, its such a horrible cough, but he does not really use oxygen like last year,(he does use a machine that you put a fluid in that he inhales and it produces oxygen as well, he uses it once a day) this seems like a dry cough with a rattling sound to it in the lungs..we went to the cancer doc and he said this has something to do with his chest and the cancer itself is stable so this is something else (maybe side effect) so we went to chest doc and did x-ray and all, *just very little water in the lungs* and he said he has bronchitis, and put him on meds, This was 3 weeks ago and he seems to be getting WORSE, the PAIN in his bone is getting very bad he can't sleep, and he can't eat much, he looks so week... They got some kind of injection that has part morphine for my dad but he took it once for the pain and he did not like it, and neither did i, he was so out of it when he took it, he will not take it again..so when we see teh doc we will ask for some kind of pain medication for his bones!

My Strong MACHO father looks like a baby now, and he is sometimes saying very strange things, and forgetting alot and gets mad easy, and i noticed he is confused when counting money or anything.. it is so strange and such a weired feeling, i didn't have the greatest relationship with my dad, he was very tough so sometimes i feel guilty because even though i'm here in Egypt with him i still do not know how to show him much affection, or to sit with him, he is in his room and i'm in the living room watching TV..its hard to explain my feeling, we went through some tough times together and OFCOURSE this is serious and i forgive and forget all the bad things, but something inside me is CONFUSED i guess..i don't know howto ACT!!! My dad is divorced and i'm his only Son so aside from my uncles and aunts coming to visit him every few days he is mostly alone I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!! specially my Aunts live in Cairo so they can't go visit him everyday because he lives in Alexandria, they come once a week or so!

We are going back to the Cancer doc and chest doc this week, i have a bad feeling my father will not last long! i have to go back to the USA on June 5th and if something happens to him while i'm gone it will be very hard..We are Muslim and if someone dies they have to buried right away, so i would not even be there on time to attend his funeral God Frobid if something happens..Ouf..this is such a strange expreience my dad was so tough and such a MAN and now he looks so frail that just came out of nowhere...i really really feel so confused, so guilty, so strange!

Lung cancer is such a horrible illness, really...God damn this illness..i do know one thing, none of us will die missing even a Minute or second of our lives that God wrote for us..but its just horrible to see someone have to Suffer like this...

Sorry for the long entry!

Tarek

brainman

Tarek, I am so sorry about your father's advanced lung cancer. I was able to be with both of my parents when they died of cancer so I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it will be for you to be so far away. I know very little about the funerals in a Muslim community. I did know that the funeral has to be as soon as possible. However, could you have a memorial for him at your Mosque? I know that this would not replace being at his funeral but it might help you start to heal from this tragic loss.

In the mean time, since you will still be there for a few more weeks, make the most possible out of every day. Try to think of things your father still can do and would very much like to do and do everything in your power to see that he has the opportunity to do those things.

I believe that Allah is one regardless of our great differences. May Allah bring comfort and peace to your father. You and your father are in my thoughts and daily prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
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2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
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Tarek · New User Joined: 16 May 2008 Posts: 5 Location: Egypt

[quote="brainman"] Tarek, I am so sorry about your father's advanced lung cancer. I was able to be with both of my parents when they died of cancer so I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it will be for you to be so far away. I know very little about the funerals in a Muslim community. I did know that the funeral has to be as soon as possible. However, could you have a memorial for him at your Mosque? I know that this would not replace being at his funeral but it might help you start to heal from this tragic loss.

I believe that Allah is one regardless of our great differences. May Allah bring comfort and peace to your father. You and your father are in my thoughts and daily prayers.[/quote]

Thanks for your reply, i will try and make the best of it! and Yes we do have a small memorial Religious thing when someone passes, at a home or so. This experience is just so so tragic, and its hard for me to express my feelings to my dad also, i don't want him to feel like i am treating him as if he is dying..its so complicated.

And yes Allah does mean GOD in Arabic (Arabic speaking christians and Jews both say Allah like us) and i do pray for my dad daily that God at least gives him peace and eases his suffering..

Tera · Senior User Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 161

Bless your heart Tarek.....your post brought tears to my eyes. You are hurting too.

The cancer causes so many things. My mom's was the same and the lesions in the brain caused her (in hidsight I realize this now) to say and do strange things sometimes. Confusion....oh yes, it is there, sometimes more than others.

Does Egypt have the equivalent of the Hospice benefit we have here in the states? The morphine shot may be too strong but perhaps there is something else. And something that can give you the support while dad goes through this. Hang in there sweetie. I know it is so hard.

Perhaps this is the time you and dad can break some barriers and communicate? Try talking to him. You may find that he wants to talk as much as you do. Sometimes that macho you mentioned conceals a lot of pride and it can take someone else breaking the barriers down to get him to get past the pride barrier. Macho or not, tell him you love him. He probably needs to hear it as much as you do.

God bless you, my friend. Keep us posted.

Tarek · New User Joined: 16 May 2008 Posts: 5 Location: Egypt

Tera, yes in Egypt we do have something like Hospice i guess...i'm not even very sure what hospice does exactly..but here you can get a nurse and so on to stay with the patient..but this is very rare because family ties are very strong in Egypt and rarely does anyone need this..we also don't have such places as retirement homes, when your parents get old and too sick usually you take them in and take care of them as they took care of you when you were a baby! But unfortunatley, i am my dad's only son and i live in the USA and him here and he is not married! Sad

Tracypie

Tarek,

Your story hit me hard. I lost my mother to lung cancer 2+ years ago and I lived 3000 miles away. I was fortunate enough to take off work for multiple weeks and spend time with her, but it was extremely hard to watch the one person in our family who was the "rock" deteriorate in front of our eyes. She hallucinated and said strange things too, but the truth was that, although she was hallucinating, she still heard what was going on around her.

I will say a prayer for you and your family and hope that everything works out so that you are there in the final moments. I know this is tough for you, but the only thing that I can recommend is to be true to yourself and do whatever is that you won't have any regrets about.

Prayers in California for you.
_________________
Tracy Sestili
CEO of The Beverly Fund:Curing lung cancer one breath at a time (TM)
http://www.beverlyfund.org

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