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 Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:07 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Another feel good-
A sharp tongue can cut my own throat.
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends..... B1.
The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.
One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.
If I lack the courage to start, I have already finished.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time.
Ideas won't work unless ' I ' do.
My mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I might have been.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right.. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away. Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:18 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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*******please note- maybe offensive to some *******
This one is priceless!! I'm still laughing!!!
A salesman was traveling through the Maine country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you, and get everyone in the county to buy a case we will make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.
"Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:23 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'
'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live today'
How quickly the years pass
Tips for the ladies in year 2008
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here..
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex-boyfriend!
Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover,
or just suffering from work, that might need a reason to smile!
* lol- loved this one 
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:24 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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YOUR LAUGH FOR THE DAY!
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND WANT TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH ??. . WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:27 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then
..
he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:30 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
(picture of OIL cap upside down = 7I0
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:33 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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The Woolworths Cat
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
Accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
Which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to Woolworths -Why Woolworths?
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
Woolworths is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
(Aussie massive shopping company)
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:35 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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DINNER FOR EIGHT
A group of country friends from the local church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.
But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms.
They are just too dear."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the paddock and pick some of those mushrooms?
There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see rabbits eating them and they're OK.
So - Janet decided to give it a try.
She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him,
So she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine.
Just keep them calm." Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The ambo's & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema,
And pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said,
"I think everything will be fine now, and he left." They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, The helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:35 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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My wife is so Bossy, last night she demanded
that I take her out to some expensive place...................
So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:36 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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The difference between Grandma and Grandpa
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his
7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that
she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little
girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy
your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know
what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:38 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Read and weep!!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically...
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just just . . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny, little ,,,,' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:43 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Shrek, Jennifer Lopez and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the
world, but how can I be sure?"
Jennifer Lopez agreed. "I'm told I'm the prettiest of them all, but
sometimes I wonder."
Brad Pitt said, "I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never
had it confirmed."
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true
was to ask the talking mirror about it that night and ask it to confirm
for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Jennifer Lopez was the prettiest
and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for
lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror
told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
Brad Pitt perked up and said: "And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest
man alive."
But Jennifer Lopez lifted her sad face and said...
....
..
...
"Who the hell is Inica ????!!!!!!
Hehehe...lol No smart comments back, thanks!
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:46 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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JIM_ BRAINMAN_ Found your problem - kisses Inica
AAADD KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the office, so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the kitchen counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:49 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Winter Snow
> One winter morning in Michigan a couple was
> listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They
> heard the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10
> inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
> even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
> get through.'
>
> Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
>
> A week later while they were again eating
> breakfast, the radio announcer said, 'We are expecting
> 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
>
> You must park your car on the odd-numbered side
> of the street, so the snowplows can get through.'
> Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.
>
> The next week they were again having breakfast,
> when the radio announcer said, 'We are expecting 12 to
> 14 inches of snow today.
>
> You must park ..'
>
> Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife
> was very upset, and with a worried look on her face
> she said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do.
>
> Which side of the street do I need to park on so
> the snowplows can get through?'
>
> With the love and understanding in his voice
> that all men who are married to blondes exhibit,
> Norman said.
>
> 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time. 
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:54 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. (massive crashed in cars in garage)
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S- Your girlfreind called.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
**Administrator**
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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