Mother in Law stage $ lunng cancer. Husband has shut me out.

Rob&Tresha · New User Joined: 07 May 2008 Posts: 3 Location: Oregon

I dont know where else to turn to. My mother in law has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung and bone cancer. My husband will not talk about it to me and has shut me out completely. He will not even sleep in the same room with me. I so badly want to be there for them all and i dont know how. Is this normal for people to shut the people closest to them off? The Dr's gave her 6 months to a year to live. I wish i knew more about this cancer besides what i have read on the internet. I keep going back to the same thing saying that the odds of this type of cancer leaves her survival rate less that 3 months. Do i need to be more persistant until he is angry to be invloved or do i completely back off and let him go this alone? Does anyone know what i should do. I want to support his wishes and hers completely and entirely and i just dont want to make anything worse than it is. If anyone could give me some advice on this i would so much appreicate it.

Sasha · Regular Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 45

I thinkit is probably just an emotion he is going through, I was pretty mean to my kids and my husband when we found out about my dad. I dont know what to tell you to do, all I can say is I didn't want anyone pushing me to talk or I would blow up.
Sasha

Rob&Tresha · New User Joined: 07 May 2008 Posts: 3 Location: Oregon

He is really mean to the kids and myself, we cant even make noise or anything in the house. I am afraid if the phone rings and its not for him that he will get furious. This is not normal behaivor for him. Sad

How long did it last? I feel like we should go stay somewhere else but i dont want to not be there for him and his mom when he is ready. The kids dont even like coming home becasue no one knows how to act. Is there anything i can do to try and bring out the man i know in a gentel non threatning way? I just want him to know we are there for him and that its ok if he does not want to talk or if he does. What did you your famil,y do when you were withdrawn how did they cope? I appreicate your reply thank you so much.

Lore · Regular Joined: 12 Apr 2008 Posts: 19

Your husband could very well be suffering from shock and/or depression as a result of his mother's diagnosis. I suggest that some therapy may help, or if he has a close friend or religious leader to speak with, encourage him to do so. Sounds like he needs to talk, but doesn't want to talk to you for whatever reason.

good luck to you.

Rob&Tresha · New User Joined: 07 May 2008 Posts: 3 Location: Oregon

I know that he has been having a problem with depression in the past year. I would try and mention to him some couensling help but i think that would be stepping on his toes in this matter and i dont want to upset him. I really hate to sound ignorant about this but i did not think you could go into to shock about something like this. He has known about it for about 2 weeks and just told that there is no possibility on survival for her. He does have close friends that he talkes to on occasion and when he does talk to them he opens up more so to them than the people that are really close to him.. I think maybe i am just throwing out so many things here but he has always been the family strength in our lives could it be that he does not want to show us weakness? I guess my real question is shouild i just leave him be? I miss him so much and he is my whole life and i hate to see him goiing through this all alone. Do i sound selfish? Please if this sounds selfish i need to know.

Sasha · Regular Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 45

My mom had me ask the doctor to put me on something, by the way my dad is only 48, and the doctor gave me something, I only took it for about two weeks because im not good at remembering to take anything, but it seemed to slow down my crying and anger. Not sure what to tell you but probably just leave him alone, until he wants to talk, unless you think he is to mean.

Sasha

ksplat

Dear Tresha
OMG! I am so very sorry to hear about firstly, your MIL's diagnosis & secondly the way yr Husband is reacting to his Mother's cancer diagnosis.
This must be so very draining & hard for you & yr children, having to tiptoe around yr Husband because of his emotional upheaval.
Men aren't remowned for their ability to "open up" (I know this doesn't help you). My Bro has a brain tumour & our relationship has changed because of his illness.
How would yr Husband react if this was yr Mother suffering? Perhaps you can suggest this to him & "open up" about how his reaction to the news & inability to "offload" about it is damaging to you & the kids & the weight on his shoulders is heavier for you because he should be able to share his worries with you as his partner. If you don't feel you can approach him verbally I would be putting these thoughts down in a letter which you can hand to him. If these don't work then try it all over again. I'm sure he will come 'round eventually, you need to be strong & look after yourself in the meantime.
What an awful situation for you to be in. My prayers & thoughts are with you.
Cheers, Angie.
_________________
Brother has GBMIV
Diagnosed Feb 07
46 Yrs young!
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227

"Without Faith We Have Nothing"

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 822

I can't add much to the conversation here. I know I was in complete shock when my Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer years ago. I was in the last trimester of a pregnancy and sat for a few days just numb. A woman will react differently than a man. Men crumble all their emotions up into a little ball and stuff it way inside of them --- that's where the anger is coming out. Sounds like anger depression to me and I've seen it with some of my family members. He needs some type of help, as you've indicated that this "depression" isn't a recent event. His cup runneth over right now. I'm going through the same issue with my adult daughter where she's been down, but more has happened to her since my husband passed, and she's hit the breaking point. She's become a very angry person and wisely realized she needed more help than a therapist, so sought anti-depressants. How you get a man to go into these areas is any body's guess. Rolling Eyes

I'm so sorry about the whole diagnosis and the fall-out. Life really takes some odd twists and turns. Be as supportive as possible, gently suggest seeking help, or have one of his friends suggest it. Sometimes it's far easier coming from someone other than the closest person in their life.

Don't write off your MIL too quickly though. With treatment she could survive for a decent length of time. Maybe he needs to see that there is some hope for more time, because three months is a fairly "out there" prognosis. It happens, but more and more people are living past a year and two years with Stage IV. Have some hope and I'm sending hugs your way because I understand how lonely it gets when the person you are closest to withdraws.

PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

Lore · Regular Joined: 12 Apr 2008 Posts: 19

Tresha, he is obviously experiencing heavy emotions and maybe even emotions that are somewhat foreign to him. If it were me, I would let him work this out within himself, but make absolutely sure he knows that I was there for him.

I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this. You will be in my thoughts.

Lore

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