FOLFOX and feelings of losing control with doctor

milliesmom · Regular Joined: 18 Mar 2008 Posts: 33

Hi all I hope you can help me.

I have PTSD. My doctor knows this. I have had panic attacks all week from being in my doctor's office.

Let me tell you what happened. The first panic attack came from a gal from the clinical trials saying that I had metastatic cancer. I don't. The doctor took me off the trials because one, I have an infection and two, the gal scared me. I have a localized rectal cancer that has gone through the rectal wall and started growing outside the rectum. Technically it might be called metastatic, I don't know, but my surgeon still staged it IIB.

The second panic attack came yesterday and today when out of the blue the doctor's PA came charging into the room and demanded and "ruled" that I was getting FOLOFX. The fact that I'm getting FOLFOX didn't scare me as much as the fact that no one discussed it with me and since I have PTSD, I just can't feel like someone has taken total control over me.

I lost it on the PA and she wasn't as demanding. However, I still didn't get an answer as to why I was getting FOLFOX.

I had just left the surgeons office and he decided to not do the surgery right now and allowed me to do some light chemo and watch my white count. He told me he didn't want me to take oxaplantain. He said that he has had patients that have lost the feelings in their feet and didn't like that drug.

When I told my doctor's PA and the doctor this, they said that they don't make surgical decisions and he shouldn't make chemo decisions. I personally don't care about their turf wars, I am just left with a feeling of not being in control and now worried about the effects of the oxaplantain.

Plus my doctor's have not discussed me talking any magnesium or calcium. I think I am correct in the fact that I am to take those when I am on FOLFOX, correct.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom. I know you can't know what it feels like to have PTSD, but you would think that the doctor would know.

Thanks,
Milliesmom

milliesmom · Regular Joined: 18 Mar 2008 Posts: 33

Hi,
I think I am starting to repeat myself on this forum. After I wrote this, I realized I wrote something similar yesterday in reply to someone else.

I'm sorry if I wrote about the same thing twice. I think the stress is starting to get to me.

I am feeling a little better after writing my sister and asking her to pray for me. We lost our mother to Parkinson's and Alzheimer's last year and my sister helped my Mom raise me. It was when I told her that she was the closest thing that I have left in terms of a mother, I lost it and cried for the first time since I found out about my cancer.

I remember the book "First you Cry" by a breast cancer survivor about thirty years ago. I never did cry until today. It does help, but I never even felt the need for crying. This time it just jumped out of me. I was a little shocked I had all that pent up emotion.

After all my years of living in a childhood violent home, even though I left over thirty five years ago, I have not been the type of person who shows a lot of emotion. Hence, the panic attacks. My body hides the emotions, which is probably the reason for the cancer since I have never smoked or drank.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am now okay. I know the LORD is in charge even though I am not.

I know you all have your own battles and it isn't right for me to cry on your shoulders. I know we are here to support each other, but I believe my posts might have been somewhat unfair.

Thanks for reading.
Milliesmom

DulcimerGal · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2008 Posts: 36 Location: Virginia

Milliesmom

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all understand here, we go through similar experiences so we know the horrible feeling of not being in control - the way that your whole life span just runs up against your face when you first hear you have cancer - and then you face the fact that you might die quicker than you expected to.

After that we start dealing with 'living with cancer' - which is the right decision, and figuring out how we can help ourselves. This forum is here for all of us to talk and vent about how we feel, and to ask questions of each other. No one minds if you repeat yourself, I think we all do it if you read enough posts on here!

It sounds like you have had a hard life, and now have even more to deal with. I am surprised at your Doctors sharing their battles with you, in another post I mention that we also find out that health care is not perfect either, and sadly this is the stuff that gets in the way of us feeling respectfully cared for. I was really glad to read that your one doc did at least let you start light chemo. stage IIB is VERY curable - so you really must hang on to that thought. Even if it is through the rectal wall - it is not stage III unless lymph nodes show cancer, or some other organ has it.

So - you mention your faith and that is good. We will all pray for each other and take strength from the Lord. Please don't worry about your posts, I enjoy reading them.

I am going to drag myself to work today, I know I am really tired and still sore from radiation, but seeing my work friends always cheers me up.
Take care Millliesmom and keep searching for the right Doctor for you if you need to. I found one I absolutely adore, and he has a terrific bedside manner that makes me feel like I can win. Second - my radiologist is wonderful, her whole team are also good. I have not been as happy with my oncologist though, so I hear your pain there.

Keep posting!
Dulcimergal
_________________
Rectal Cancer diagnosed Valentines Day 2008
Finished 6 weeks of radiation and chemo 4/23/08
Surgery planned for June
6 months Chemo to follow

	Cancer Forums Forum Index -> Colon Cancer and Rectal Cancer Forum	All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

A website for discussions about any type of cancer, including lung cancer, breast cancer, mesothelioma, prostate cancer, laryngeal cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma and others