The silent killer, aggressive and back. We thought he was NE

koikkeril · Experienced user Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 54

Hi, Vee. I am doing OK. I come home everyday now and stay in the hospital at night. The worst is seeing him being confused. I tell him over and over again the same thing. Its so sad, to think that all of our intelligence can just slide away just like that? They are giving more and more morphine. I am not sure what he is aware of, he did tell me he loved me a couple of days ago. That was nice to know he remembered me. Sometimes he will play with the back of my hair when i have turned around and doing something. He is becoming so childlike and his eyes look at me for help. He doesn't smile anymore, my loving husband is deep inside his shell. But! I am OK. I know this is his time to go. I hope it will be gentle for him as it hurts me so much, to see him suffer. I guess he waits for his mum. Anyway, I am as ready, as i will, ever be! This site has been very helpful for me as i have not felt alone. God Bless Vee, Koik

helensgirl

Koik,
God bless...I have read through your entire 4 pages of posts, and I think you're a pretty incredible wife of a very special husband. I already knew how special and important the interactions between a caregiver and their dying relation truly is...but you have made me so much more aware of how much my last days with my beautiful mother mean to me. It's THE most difficult thing in life, isn't it?...to watch someone that you love slowly slipping away from you...but the great thing is, I know that she lives on both in Heaven and in my soul. I feel her with me when I think of her---which is about 95% of my waking moments. I truly send good thoughts and prayers your way, and sincerely wish you and your husband peace. Take care, Kim in NC, (US)
_________________
devastated in nc

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 617

Koik,

Just to let you know that I was gone for a week but you were in my heart and prayers.

Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

koikkeril · Experienced user Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 54

Oh, Thanks Helensgirl,
I am sorry for the lost, of your mum. I hope she did not suffer to much? I always remember my grandmother telling me she could never sleep when it was full moon. Now when I see the full moon I always say, "Hi Nan". Memories are always there, are they not? Well sometimes with my husband laying in his bed I think why us, but he said once back to me, "Why not", we are the ones that live on and carry the memories and tell the stories about them! I will try my best to stay strong and look after his mum, that is my promise for him and our respect. He has recently lost his dad so it will be devastating for his mum loosing her child as well.
When I leave the hospital and I drive my car, even though he has not died as yet, I feel him with me and feel he is sitting by the side of me. Imagination running wild perhaps or perhaps its wishing and missing him already. But! So many of us is suffering like this and I think for me it is better to have the belief that one day will meet again. I will remember you too in my prayers. God Bless you Helensgirl and thank-you again for your message. Koik

koikkeril · Experienced user Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 54

Hi there PJB,
Hope you had a holiday?
I was wondering what had happened. Nice to know I am still in your prayers, thank you. Well my husband' mind is slowly deteriorating, he doesn't smile any more. He is waiting for mum to visit, hopefully she will get the visa Monday/Tuesday. I understand she is crying all the time and desperate to come and see her son. The Doctors now think he will hold on for this! Its amazing how we decide when we have, had enough. I was told perhaps after the visit from his mum he may go one or two days after. He is a shell of his looks, without character. He has much pain on movement, so I notice he stays as still as he can in the bed. The cancer in the lung has also progressed rapidly and as you know all in the bones as well. I think the tumour is very bad as I watch him squirm, as and when he coughs. I told this to the nurses everyday, but there is so much they can do. He has his morphine controlled for the pain and I guess its the waiting game for the heavens to open up for him. God Bless my darling husband, and you, who has also suffered so much looking by caring for your husband. Take care koik

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 566 Location: UK

When my father was dying from a stroke, I remember the exact moment that he said goodbye to me and to my mother. He could no longer speak and it was thought that he was no longer aware, but he took my hand and held it for some minutes, then squeezed it and let go; he then reached for my mother's hand, took it, kissed it and let go. He died 48 hours later.

Even though we think they are no longer there, somewhere inside there is something aware.

My dear, you are in my thoughts at this time.

brainman

koik, can your embassy help expedite the visa? I feel sad that his mother has not been able to come yet Sad

. I know that the visa issue is different for different countries but maybe France has an emergency visa process that your own embassy could assist you with. I know that in some countries there are "professional" (in some countries they are called "Expediters") who know their way around the bureaucracy that can help.

My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your husband.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 617

Koik,

Just checking in to see how things are going. I'm sure you are exhausted and anxious. Emotions go all over the place during this time, so make sure you are eating, taking in fluids, and getting appropriate rest so you can get through this.

I hope to hear that your husband's family will be arriving soon.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time.

God bless,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

koikkeril · Experienced user Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 54

Thanks Jim for your thoughts about the visa, its been driving me mad. You only have to look at the mountain of paperwork needed for a visa to get here. I looked on the web and you have to buy your flights before you have a visa! life/accident assurance also before the visa is given, if given!
Unfortuantly I cant ask help from my country because i am British and I live in France. Its upto them to allow someone in there country, but the Doctor passed this evening and says he thinks its all ok, all is faxed and after all they are not comming for a holiday but to see there son/brother die. Its sad enough as it is. His brother has flights to bring mum this comming Saturday, so hopefully they will come and give a smile on the face of my husband. My sons are here tomorrow morning, so i have some helping support and they can collect mum from the airport. I will update Thursday either with joy or tears because they are on route now arriving Thursday to hopefully collect a visa to fly Saturday morning, Best wishes, koik

koikkeril · Experienced user Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 54

Hi there PJB, Have you had some holidays then? You deserve some good time!
Its all go, but you know that. You have been, where i am now, before.
Yep, I am off my feet, no proper sleep, he likes to wake at night and sleep the day, Rolling Eyes

they think when he drinks, the fluid, goes into his lungs and not his stomach. Shocked

so he is quiet happy about not having to eat or drink whilst we await for the results of the scan Laughing

I have my sneaky glass of wine here, so I am ok Wink

but i will get some sleep now and await for tomorrows suprises. Or the 1.30 am call, when my husband usually awakes! Take care of yourself and have a kit kat and get back to let us know what you have been upto?

Brainhead... Family sitting in hotel whilst today the consulate is on hols till tomorrow, as its fete day (holiday) today. Sad

Typical of situation at present. Perhaps tomorrow is the lucky day. God bless to all, koik

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