New here and very afraid

shuggy1972 · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 28 Location: New York

I'm Euan, new here. This is my story.

I am having a biopsy of a 'suspect' mole on the toe of my left foot on Thurs this week (3rd April). I've had the mole for some time, definitely a number of years. At first it was smaller, didn't think anything of it. Then it grew, and I know now that that's when I should have had it checked, but I didn't. It has remained the same size for quite a while now, although I can't be sure how long I've had it.

The first dermatologist who looked at it (over a month ago) said it was nothing to worry about, but after reading up on skin cancer I thought it had many of the warning signs (asymmetric, a few colours, uneven edges).

So I went to a dermatologist who is a skin cancer expert. That was on the 20th March. He had a look, agreed it looked 'suspect' and that a biopsy should be done, but scheduled the biopsy for the 3rd April (he said 'listen, try not to worry...if I thought it was melanoma it would be coming out today')...

Why, then am I so worried? Well, the night after my consultation with the dermatologist (Fri 21st) I noticed I had a slight swelling behind my left knee. This has not gone away. I tried to talk with the dermatologist about it on the phone but was told he wouldn't be back in the office until April 3rd. I then went to my regular doctor, who said it's probably just a cyst, and has referred me to an orthopedic surgeon to have a look (on April 7th).

I'm worried that the swelling is because I do have melanoma on my toe, and it has spread to the lymph glands behind my knee (they are called the popliteal glands).

I've also had mild cramp-like sensations is various parts of my left leg, including my achilles tendon area. I realise now I've had these for some time, but put them down to general aches and pains.

Then, on Sunday morning when I woke up, I started having pain in my upper back. It's on both sides, and not like typical back pain I've had before. I thought that perhaps I had slept at a funny angle or something, and tried to ignore it. But three days later I still have the pain, and it seems to be getting worse. So my obvious concern there is that either there's a tumor in my lungs or pressing on my spine.

I know all I can really do it wait for the biopsy (the results will apparently take up to two weeks!), but I'm going crazy with stress from this.

I'm 35. My wife is three months pregnant with our first child. I do have health insurance, but only through her employer - we moved out to New York in December...I'm from the UK, and my wife is Canadian but also has US citizenship. So I've been looking for a job for the past few months, hence no current employer to help with bills etc. My wife's family are in Montreal (we can't go there because I don't have a Canadian visa) and my family are in the UK (to go back there we'd have to re-apply for a visa for my wife, which would mean I'd have to have evidence of a job and a place to live in the UK).

My mum arrives to visit us on the 15th, so we'll probably get the biopsy results while she's here. She's 70, has high blood pressure, and we lost my dad just less than 2yrs ago...if I have to tell her I have cancer I think it might be the end of her.

I can't see how my wife can look after me and keep her job (in fact, she has already been struggling with that as it isn't going too well and they may be letting some people go). I don't think she'll even qualify for the Family and Medical Leave Act unpaid leave because she won't have been there for a year until late May (she came over here earlier than me last year while I was stuck in London waiting for my green card to process).

I don't qualify for any of the medicare/medicaid stuff because I've never paid US taxes (I only just got here) and am not a US citizen.

So if she loses her job then we both lose any access to healthcare. I know about COBRA, but I can't see how we'd be able to afford that plus rent and bills with no income.

I'm terrified I'm going to be stuck here without access to healthcare or pain relief. I'm terrified that my poor, beautiful wife who deserves so much more is going to have to watch me die. I'm terrified that what little money we do have in savings will be wiped out and she'll be left with nothing but debts after I'm gone.

And that I'll be thousands of miles away from my family and friends going through this without their help. We're not at all wealthy, and I don't think my mum and sister (my sis has three kids) could even afford to come over here for my funeral.

I could get on a flight this afternoon and go back home and have free treatment on the National Health Service, including hospice care...but how do I leave behind the woman I love if I'm terminally ill?? It's just not possible. I don't even have life insurance - I had all that through the job which I quit in December to move out here.

Sorry. I know I'm ranting on, but I have to tell someone about this. I'm looking for a way out, but every way I turn this whole thing just gets worse and worse.

tonester · Experienced user Joined: 03 Mar 2008 Posts: 68

Hey Shuggy,

The way I see it, do your best to stay calm until you get the results of your biopsy.

Hopefully it's negative and you have nothing to worry about.

Best wishes,
Tony

shuggy1972 · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 28 Location: New York

Thanks Tony.

I know that I should just try to chill about it, and before I found the swelling behind my knee I thought 'oh well, chances are it's fine, get the biopsy and see'...

Anyway, thanks for replying - it's good to know there are other people out there who are fighting this thing and managing to keep going.

cheers

Euan

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brainman · Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:56 am Post subject: Re: New here and very afraid

Euan, waiting for a biopsy result and then waiting to hear what treatment options are available can be so hard. It seems like cancer does involve a lot of just waiting to hear from a doctor or lab.

I am sorry about all the other issues you have to face at this time in your life. I know how had it is to go uninsured. I had to go for 3 years without my annual MRI. When I finally did have it, the MRI showed that my cancer was back Rolling Eyes

. But I can barely pay what my insurance does not pay for as it is. My heart goes out to you and your wife.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

shuggy1972 · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 28 Location: New York

Thanks Jim.

The waiting does seem to be the most stressful part (well, at least at the moment). I'm holding on like crazy to the slim possibility that everything might be ok, but it's hard to make myself really believe that.

I guess the insurance situation is so overwhelming for me because it's completely different from home - I'm used to the fact that while the National Health Service in the Uk is far from perfect, if you are really seriously ill then you'll get whatever treatment is available, regardless of your ability to pay.

I'm now trying to understand all the intricate details of our insurance policy, but the more I read the more there seem to be 'exceptions' and 'exclusions'.

Anyway, I suppose we just need to take each day as it comes and go from there. Thanks again for the support - it really does make a difference to not feel so alone.

Euan

tonester · Experienced user Joined: 03 Mar 2008 Posts: 68

Hey Shuggy

Your definately NOT alone. Hang in there.

I'm lucky, my wifes insurance is pretty good, they even covered the cost of the Leukine I'm going to start on. I guess thats rare because most insurances won't cover it for melanoma.

I'm thinking about you and hoping everything comes out good.

Get yourself some good fish and chips and a pint of beer. Always makes me feel better Very Happy

Oh yeah, congrats on the first baby!!!!!!!!

When do you get the results of your biopsy?

shuggy1972 · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 28 Location: New York

Thanks Tone. Will definitely need to find a place to get Fish & Chips around here...the beer will probably be easier to locate though...good advice!

Biopsy is being done tomorrow, result should be within 10 days (not sure if they mean working days, or days). I asked the nurse at my dermatologists office and she said sometimes they have the results sooner. I'm guessing that if it's bad news then they tend to tell people sooner...

Depending on the results of that, we'll see what happens next. I know from my reading that if they find any type of melanoma at all (even very thin with no evidence of spread) the next step will be to amputate the toe. That's because it isn't possible to get the kind of safe surgical margins needed in that area of the body any other way.

Will keep you posted on how thing go.

Euan

Jotto · Regular Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 47 Location: Biloxi MS

Euan,

I pray your mole comes back negative. I know this is a very stressful time waiting to hear about the results. Keep your head up, spend time with the wife and try not to think about it.

I know its easier to say then do, but you need to keep your stress down.

There are amazing people here, its nice to have someone to talk with.
_________________
Jim

Keep the faith, we all have too much to live for.

My journey with melanoma: http://www.cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8547

My Blog: http://james.healthblogs.org/

shuggy1972 · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 28 Location: New York

Thanks Jim, Tony, Brainman and everyone for your support.

Quick update from me: had the biopsy this morning, my toe is still numb!

Dermatologist says that he'll push the lab to get the results as quickly as possible, so I should hear within the next few days rather than the two weeks I was originally told.

So at least this waiting thing will be over soon.

cheers

Euan

shuggy1972 · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 28 Location: New York

I got a call this morning from my dermatologists office. They got the results of my biopsy back....and it's ALL CLEAR!!!

I still have to go see an orthopedics guy to find out what's causing the swelling in the popliteal lymph node area behind my left knee, and an ENT guy to find out what's causing my persistent cough...

but I don't need to explain to anyone on here my relief at the negative biopsy result.

Thank you all for your support, positive thoughts, and prayers. I'm sending the same to everyone who is fighting this terrible thing.

Can't quite put into words how I feel, but humble and extremely fortunate is definitely a big part of it.

Again (and especially to Tony, Jim and Brainman), my thoughts and my heartfelt thanks are with you.

Euan

brainman · Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 1:48 pm Post subject: Re: New here and very afraid

shuggy1972, that is wonderful news. I really do hope the doctors are able to find out what is happening very soon.

Best wishes.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

tonester · Experienced user Joined: 03 Mar 2008 Posts: 68

That's great news Very Happy

Congrats Euan.
_________________
****Kick'n Cancers Arse Since April 2007****

You can check out "My Story" at the link below.
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=9083

shuggy1972 · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 28 Location: New York

Thanks Brainman - yes, hopefully the various other specialists will do their thing and let me know what's causing all these random symptoms.

Tony - I hope you do crack open that beer you saved. I really appreciate all your messages and support. Please post to let me know how the surgery goes on the 21st. I'll be thinking about you and I can tell from your attitude that you WILL keep kicking this cancer thing in the arse.

Euan

Jotto · Regular Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 47 Location: Biloxi MS

Great news, I know what you mean when you talk about the relief. I finally had a good nites sleep. I also decided that I would still be here for others because they were here for me.

I am so glad you got this news. Be well.
_________________
Jim

Keep the faith, we all have too much to live for.

My journey with melanoma: http://www.cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8547

My Blog: http://james.healthblogs.org/

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