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In
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 Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 5:07 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Another Man basher  (sorry guys.  )
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done/watch while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Ladies don't do.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.
He said . ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
_________________
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In
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 5:10 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
 What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
_________________
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**Administrator**
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brainman
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In
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| Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 6:22 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
(Are women good or what?)
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In
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| Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 6:46 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Gentle Thoughts for Today--
Birds of a feather flock together--- and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved-----is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. (like that one)
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .
He who hesitates -----is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame. (JIM) shhhh-
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. (!!!!!HUNTER EDWARD!!!!)
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf
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In
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| Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 6:53 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A Oldie but a goodie - long read, but worth it.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.When you notice this, try to show some understanding.
My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a fulltime job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Wayne
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Hell I’ve been living it for the last 7 years!
Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise.
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| Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 6:59 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10 (isn't he ready for the world of dating?)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED ?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8 (I like this kid)
And the #1 Favorite is ...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10 (He'll be married forever)
_________________
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**Administrator**
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brainman
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| Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 7:59 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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[quote="In"]WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers) {with answers by brainman}
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
A: 50?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
A: Like everything else.... China.
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
A: Road kill
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A: All year. Oh, what, that is October fest.
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
A: Synthetic fibers
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
A: The name of their first queen?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
A: Danny?
What colour is a purple finch?
A: Male of female?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
A: Geese
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
A: Not sure... black maybe?
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
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In
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:35 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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hehe and here i thought you might have been deleting my jokes or editing them 
We All Need a Tree, I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied 'I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children.. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.' 'Funny thing is,' he smiled,' when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.'Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.We all Need a Tree!'Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up.'
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In
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:42 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
“Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.”
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
“Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.”
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
“Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden
Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden
leg up your Butt and go as a toffee apple.”
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:56 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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some Chicken Humour
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chick book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^ (Damn have to reboot).
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:02 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at theGlasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
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In
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:09 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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THREE WOMEN , TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED??? SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN
FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
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In
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:12 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A Driving test question.......
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get off the merry-go-round, you're (edited) - drunk. *
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:20 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Kids are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______ ___________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
**Administrator**
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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. Too tired to rewrite it 
