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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1309
Location: AUSTRALIA
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 Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 5:38 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi '
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says 'One.'
The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65.'
The boss says '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'
The kid says,'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy headache pills for her "headache" for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
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Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 5:40 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminium foil in desired shapes. ( Bikini )
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (as if wearing it)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...
A Tanned Turkey. Fun meal 
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 5:43 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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BLONDE AND PREGNANT
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great, tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean "more"?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
You'r going to love this!!!!!!!!!
She said. "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Priceline and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 5:49 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No chest
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight= is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance?= I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime?= I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner?= I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 5:50 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The
man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down
under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's
Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick
Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor,
when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost
it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1309
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 5:51 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 5:32 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 5:35 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am, he replied."
"I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 5:44 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hairspray I use and the friends I have. ~
Please god, if you can't make me thin...Make my friends Fat! ~
You don't have to be CRAZY to be my friend... But it helps ~
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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brainman
Site Admin
Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 3449
Location: Tennessee
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 5:20 am Post subject: Husband jokes |
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OK, I know I am a man, but these two jokes are for all you wives out there.
=====
Q1. What is the difference between a husband and a dog?
A1. After a year, the dog still follows you around.
Q2. What is the difference between a husband and a camel?
A2. A camel works for 8 days without drinking; a husband drinks for 8 days without working.
=====
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/ |
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In
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 1:17 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me and my brother who is just four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy, and she watches him drink it all up, then she says to him,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get, water is the toilet??'
MOTHERS KNOW !!!!!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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The Vicar's salary
The Vicar in a small South Island town explains that he must move on to alarger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Ross Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe- (sitting here in silent angish- wanting to be at the pub), is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw the Vicar'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 1:27 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
“Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.”
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
“Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.”
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
“Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden
Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden
leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.”
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A 7 year old & a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to
swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.
"Oh shit mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, & ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old & asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be bloody Coco Pops!"
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:59 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Two little old ladies were attending a long church service.
When one lady lent over and told the other "my butt is going to sleep".
The other little old Lady said " I know- I heard it snore three times. "
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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