Coping with the death of a second mother.

Dyzfunk · New User Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 4

Hey
glad i found a forum like this... My name is Lawrence and having read for the past, 3 weeks alot of the other members individual experiences, i thought it would be befitting to post mine.

My aunt had fought breast cancer for seven years, she'd underwent chemotherapy and succesfully went into remission in 2003. Soon after she lost the use of her right arm from what i think they call lymphadema. She had informed doctors not to tell the family about her terminal illness back in 2004... and was DETERMINED to live a normal life, she took care of here children with her left arm, she learnt how to write efficiently, cook, drive and do everything with her left hand [she was right handed] Over the next couple of years her condition deteriorated and she was in and out of hospital and heavily drugged at times. She was in hospital from the beginning of September up until the 22nd, and in one day she became drawn, weak and massively gaunt- cancer had literally sucked the life out of her, but she died peacefully in her sleep acknowleding her father that it was time with a final nod with the last ounce of strength she possessed. The cancer had spread from her left breast, to the right one, across her back, down the affected arm and had begun to attack the vital organs. While they were not affected directly i guess they just gave out...
The rest of the family imcluding myself were getting ready to go to the hospital when we we given that fateful call when i feel my life changed. I went to see her on her death bed and almost collapsed.. Although she wasnt here still, it wasnt the person i knew, visually and physically.
It was only that day we were informed of the extent of the cancer spread over the years. She left behind 4.. 5 children. Now just over 2 months on, the surrealness of the last month [funeral, cancelling, sorting through stuff] has only just started to become realistic but still unbearable
Life is really something.. Confused

_________________
~*~ Im Pretty Sure You Are Still My Guiding Light ~*~

brainman

Lawrence, I am very sorry about your aunt's death. I am glad that she did not suffer at the end and died peacefully.

My father died over a year ago and I still have times when I cannot believe that he is dead. I live in the house that my parents lived for many years so there are a lot of reminders of his presence. Today, I took the last of his clothes to the Goodwill store here. I am still sorting his pictures and trying to find someone who wants his books.

My warmest regard to you and your family.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Dyzfunk · New User Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 4

Thankyou ever so dearly for your response and your welcome, brainman. I visit the house that she formerly owned on a regular basis and its almost as if im walking into a recent pastime- everything the same, how and where things are placed not changing etc.
Tell me, have you found the process of sorting pictures and finding alternative places for his posessions to you beneficial to your coping/give you a sense of realness or closure?

Thanks once again
Law
_________________
~*~ Im Pretty Sure You Are Still My Guiding Light ~*~

brainman

Lawrence, working with his picture has been frustrating since few have any indication of what they are or who is in them. At the same time, it has been a wonderful "trip down memory lane" Smile

. "Ohh. I remember that day. We were swimming in the ocean at Tijuca Beach in Rio when I was only 5." "OMG, look at how young mom and dad looked when I was born." Very Happy

Giving away his possessions was harder. It has taken me over a year to get rid of ANYTHING other than what my sibling took. I think the difference is that my family will keep the pictures and be able to look at them for many generations to come while giving his possessions away means that we will never again see that ugly shirt he wore all the time Sad

. But I can say that it has brought a sense of closure. I have finally done it Wink

.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 700 Location: UK

It is harder for some people than others. But I think if you feel close to the person, it is very hard to let go. Having been involved in helping in the clearing of an uncle's house, it is important to recognise that there is a point at which people are ready to disperse personal effects. My cousin had problems facing the fact that the house was sold and that its contents had to be moved out, but suddenly it came together and she was able to go ahead. At the end of the day, she has found it helpful to allocate personal and family items to the "right" people.

Dyzfunk · New User Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 4

[quote="brainman"]Lawrence, working with his picture has been frustrating since few have any indication of what they are or who is in them. At the same time, it has been a wonderful "trip down memory lane" Smile

. "Ohh. I remember that day. We were swimming in the ocean at Tijuca Beach in Rio when I was only 5." "OMG, look at how young mom and dad looked when I was born." Very Happy

Giving away his possessions was harder. It has taken me over a year to get rid of ANYTHING other than what my sibling took. I think the difference is that my family will keep the pictures and be able to look at them for many generations to come while giving his possessions away means that we will never again see that ugly shirt he wore all the time Sad

. But I can say that it has brought a sense of closure. I have finally done it Wink

.[/quote]

Kind Sir, in response to the pictures my situation sounds paralell to that of your own, there are some which are rather baffling or not immediately significant but alternatively if you are also a part of that photo beside your loved one it takes you back to a place thats ideal and memorable. Although i was too young to remember i came across a picture of when i was first born, 19 years ago, it was always said by my mother my aunt was the first to hold/embrace me.. yet there was no proof until now, now that i have seen it it feels like that bond could never be broken [not even by death] and gives me some sort of idea as to how im dealing with the situation.
Haven't acknowledged possessions as of yet due to their tangibility and their sentimental values and literally cracking up every time i see clothing, jewelry and most recently the multitude of medications she had to take daily but one entity after the other is the way to go, and i feel better knowing how i might react isn't alien
_________________
~*~ Im Pretty Sure You Are Still My Guiding Light ~*~

Dyzfunk · New User Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 4

[quote="Vee Smith"]It is harder for some people than others. But I think if you feel close to the person, it is very hard to let go. Having been involved in helping in the clearing of an uncle's house, it is important to recognise that there is a point at which people are ready to disperse personal effects. My cousin had problems facing the fact that the house was sold and that its contents had to be moved out, but suddenly it came together and she was able to go ahead. At the end of the day, she has found it helpful to allocate personal and family items to the "right" people.[/quote]

Dear Vee, thankyou for your contribution. Similarly the house has to be sold and items of sentimental value dispersed quite quickly, a bit quicker than before i think it will set in [Before this month is up]. Im afraid it could possibly create rifts between the family, as is evidential now Crying or Very sad

_________________
~*~ Im Pretty Sure You Are Still My Guiding Light ~*~

brainman

I am fortunate that my family had no disagreements when it came to dividing my parent's possessions. Fortunately, my father left specific instructions for the major items. My four siblings were kind enough to sell me their shares of the house itself so that I do not need to move. It benefits all of us since I can store a lot of my father's possessions. Other items there was no question about what we wanted to do with them. The stamps went to my brother who collects stamps; the woodworking tools to my brother who does woodworking; the stained glass window stuff to me since I help Dad finish his last projects. None of us wanted the collection of items from Brazil to leave the family. Some of them went to us and some to our children. There was some "I would really like to have that" type of issues but we were able to work through them without any problems.

The problem comes with all the other things... clothes, dishes (some damaged), appliances (all very old)... that none of us really wanted but did not have the heart to get rid of at that time. It has taken me a year to get to the point of being ready to take things to give away and some to the dump... not because I really wanted those things but because I remember drinking out of that cracked glass or eating out of the chipped bowl Smile

.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

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