All I do is cry

Sunrise · New User Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 6

My brother was diagnosed with lung cancer just over a month ago. He has also been diagnosed with brain cancer. He has asked his doctors to treat him but to not tell him anything about his cancer. He told the doctors that they were allowed to tell 2 of my sisters. Well now I know, through my sister, that he has metastases everywhere and that he will not live long. They dont know if my brother has weeks or months to live but defenitly not a year. I am completly devastated. It is so hard. I wish he knew so he could do whatever he feels he has to do before he dies. He is 41 years old but never really had a life. Always in trouble. I would love to go on holiday with him far away, somewhere really nice, the pacific maybe. I am told that it is important that we all act as normal as possible since he does not know. The doctors feel that if he knew he would stop all treatment and this would be fatal. I keep crying all the time. Im an undergraduate student but cannot cope with my studies. All I do is cry. Lately I have been missing classes. I will soon be missing deadlines for essays but I cannot concentrate. My dad has just came out of hospital, my mum was finally honest with me and told me that his condition was very serious. He has had heart problem for many years now but this is the first time he had to go back to hospital since 1997. My dad does not know that my brother's cancer is not curable because if he knew it could kill him by giving him a heart attack like he had a couple of weks ago. But Im thinking that sooner or later he will find out even if it is on the day my brother dies. And then what? Another heart attack problably. Am I supposed to prepare myself for two deaths, my brother's cancer and the heart attack it will give to my dad? I have so many horrible scenarios playing in my head. I feel I am going to drive myself completly insane. All my family is away since I live abroad. I just cameback from visiting them but I do not feel any better. I hope this message will make sense, im not sure it does. I just wish I had the power to turn back the clock so I could prevent his cancer. I dont want my brother to die, i know this things dont just happen to other people but I dont want it to happen to my family. My mother has already lost her mum and brother two years ago and now it is happening all over again. I tell my brother to stop smoking even thought I know it will not help since he is destined to die but the irony is that i cannot stop smoking myself. I probably smoke more now than I used to. I dont know how to get on with my life, I dont know how I will cope when my brother will die. I wish I got to know him better. I keep on worrying that he will die before I have time to say goodbye. To see him die will devastate me but to be away and not be able to tell him that he will be ok and not to be scared of death, for him to just close his eyes and sleep; if feel if I am there on the he passes away it will kill me to see him die but if i am not there and cannot tell him how much i will always love him then that will killl me too. Is it normal for me to think that way? Is it normal to have all those morbid scenario going through my brain?

Muttsmom · Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:17 pm Post subject: Re: All I do is cry

Is there no way you can go and see your brother, if only for a few days? I don't know where he lives, but if you had the money, I'd jump on a plane. I have a feeling your brother knows things aren't good but just doesn't want to hear the words.

I'm sure not telling you what to do by any means, but I would think your dad being told about your brother's condition and him have a chance to let it sink it would be better for his health, then hearing out of the clear blue that he has died. If it were me, I'd be very upset that it was kept from me and that I didn't have a chance to see him and say everything I wanted to say. Again, that's me and my opinion.

You should see a doctor and get on an anti depressant. There's nothing wrong with taking them when you have so much going on.

My prayers are with you and your family
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Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 744 Location: UK

Be assured - there is nothing abnormal about your thoughts. They are what anyone would think in your situation.

However, I do think you need to talk to someone and get help. And it is absolutely vital that you talk to the university so that they can be aware of what is going on and provide you with both space and support.

Keep in touch.

Sunrise · New User Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 6

Thank you for your replies.
I have already been to see my brother. I stayed with my family last week end but had to come back home because my child had to go back to school and so did I. And yes, it is true that my dad should know but there is nothing I can do. I do believe also that my brother must guess that he will not make it. I have been asked by my family to not talk to him about his condition since he gets upset very easily but before I travelled back home I had a word with him; I told him that I had noticed that he was not always very nice with the way he talks to mum or other persons, I told him that I knew it must be hard on him but he must try to take better care of himself and take his medications regularly; at one point he mentioned to me that he was going to start a new treatment and that it would make him better but I know he said that so I wont worry. I just wish he would tell us how he feels so we could comfort him. I have taken pictures of him with his two daughters, he had not seen them for a very long time. Now I look back at those pictures and he does not smile even thought he was with his two little princess (thats how he calls them). I zoom on the pictures to have a closer look at his eyes and all I can see is fear and sadness. And I hate to know that he is scared but tries to hide it. It makes me so angry. I printed out a e-book called "the prophete", it is a beautiful book. I told his girlfriend she could have it. In fact, I took it with me to give it to my brother but did know how to give it to him as I was afraid that he might guess the reason. That book reads like poetry and has a chapter on death and on goodbyes. I hope he will read it and maybe it will make him just a little bit less anxious because those chapters are beautifully written and explain that death is just another sort of life. Or maybe it will not work and he will just freak out more and I will end up regreting giving the book to his girlfriend. Or maybe he will never read it. While I dont want to be away when the end comes for him I also really wish that he could die in his sleep, just peacefully while he is asleep so he will not have to know fear just before he dies. Do many cancer patient die in their sleep?

In · Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 5:11 am Post subject: Re: All I do is cry

I Have had many friends who have died in their sleep. They have just decided to have a rest/sleep. And never woken. It has been quite peaceful and quite.

I have been following your story, and feels so much for you. I do believe you need to tell Uni about what is happening. They can also offer suport help, and even some medical help, with anidepressant. Sympathy leave- or abstance might be provided for your studies.

I also believe that one knows when it's time for them to go. I'm sure your brother knows this too. I think you need to spend time together, wiether just for you or both. It's not going to hurt anyone by being there.

Being there might hurt you, but i do think it will help you to say goodbye and hold his hand. To show him that there is nothing to be afraid of, to be strong for him. BUT NOT being there will hurt more....the 'what if's' will hurt you. Regrets will hurt you.....the questions, Did he ask for me?, did he want me? was he in peace?

It is a hard decision and only yours to choose.... I wish you peace.
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Jenugl2 · New User Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 6

Hi Sunrise, I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. You and your brother are going through normal reactions. There are alot of different stages people go through when told that they or a loved one is going to die. Denial, grief, anger, depression. They say that different people experience different stages for different lengths of time. Your brother sounds like he might be in denial while you are greiving. I hope you can see a counsellor to speak to as I know from experience they can help tremendously. Please don't be afraid to get help soon. Don't put off speaking with your brother or visiting him as much as you can as you don't know how much time is left. I send my love, thoughts, prayers and support. Jen.

Sunrise · New User Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 6

Thank you so much to all of you for being so nice to reply to my posts. I've been reading a lot of the posts and it is recomforting to realise how brave so many of you are. My only hope is to be able to be as brave as you. I guess I need time to let it all sink in. It is just not easy. But I know it is harder for my brother. I have been calling my mum and she keeps on telling me that she is going through such a hard time because of my brother's bad temper. I tried to explain to mum that it is his brain cancer fucking up his behaviour and I'm sure he does not mean to be horrible. Today he decided to not go to hospital because he did not feel like it. I called him and told him it was important that he keeps having tests done but it is like talking to a wall. At the end, he promised to go tomorrow. But will he? Should we just let him do what he wants? It is all so confusing.

In · Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 5:46 pm Post subject: Re: All I do is cry

Some times you need to use "tough love" - IF you have that kind of relationship- were you can tell each other off, then get over it..... Wink

I would tell him to grow up, and get off his arse. Start acting his age. Stop being soft and start fighting...I would tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself and taking out out on your mum and all of you...That you are all following him in this hard time. He is not the only one in pain.

It sounds mean and sad and not very understanding- but I know that "we"
all sometimes need a kick in the butt. He is feeling his own pain, grief, fear and worry. He doesn't mean to take it out on you all, he just needs a outlet for all these feelings. That outlet tends to be whoever with him at the time. Wink

Maybe if you say this...be strong and look tough. no tears, no sad face, Strong. Then he might get some fight in him......Then you could always break the ice by a joke or a laugh over what you said.

My Family, or husband would let off their own steam, and i would realise how bad and mean i was being, then they would roll their eyes and say "using Cancer as a excuse again, are we? " or something like that. In the end we were all ok.

Cancer does effect everyone, sometimes we forget the "others", and need a reminder. It may also be the Cancer causing this and not just his emotions, so be very careful.

good luck
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Thinking of you Inica

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Sunrise · New User Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 6

Yes, it is the cancer causing his bad behaviour. Because the cancer is eating away his healthy cells in his brain it causes him to be forgetful and angry too. I think the doctors are giving steroids to reduce the swelling, at least with the steroids he eats much more than before. I know my brother is very scared and probably feel that he got cancer to punish him for his past mistakes. I jut want him to open up. I have sent him a very long message since i knew that by texting him he would have to read what i had to say. I told my brother that it was ok to be scared but he should not feel that he is all alone, because he is not, i told him he could call me anytime of the day or night. I hope he will. Im just afraid that as his brain cancer will become worst my brother's attitude will be very bad as well. It is not his fault, the cancer is so lodged in in his brain that it is affecting his entire behaviour. I'm not even sure he realizes it. Thank you so much In for your advice. I will certainly use it when i see him next. Thank you.

In · Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 7:25 pm Post subject: Re: All I do is cry

Texts and letters are great as, they read and re-read them. So if in one mood at that time, then when settled or calm, then they re read. they finally get the idea of what your saying.

good luck
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Thinking of you Inica

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~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
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derekinSA · Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 10:27 am Post subject: Re: All I do is cry

Dear Sunrise

Somebody once said to me that crying is a Profound form of prayer, I liked that, it works for me, I never used to cry. Now I cry a lot and always feel better after.

Recently we had a workshop for people newly diagnosed with cancer and their supports and at it we interviewed 2 cancer survivors to see if we could find out what it was that helped them through the whole process. There were a couple of things that they both had in common but 2 of them I think could really help you.

First they both said they had to get “real” about what they were dealing with before anything got better. Denial is the first stage of the whole, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance process we all have to go through, but it is the first step we have to get past.

Second thing was that they both said that things only got better once there were no more secrets, “no subject was out of bounds” was the way the one girl said it. This can of course cause huge explosions in the beginning so be prepared for that, but can secrets really be better.

I have learnt recently that cancer is not all about miraculous recoveries and happy endings but also about finding love and peace were all you see is pain and loss. There be miracles there too. I hope some for this helps. Confused

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Derek

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Sunrise · New User Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 6

Thanks Derek, I really liked your message.
I guess you are right and I really hope that once my brother accept what is happening to him he could then decide that it worth fighting back the cancer so maybe he could have a chance to live a bit longer.
I spend the past week searching the internet, especially forums; I have spent practically all hours of the days and nights reading other people's posts. What I found was that some cancer patient were given a couple of month to live but they ended up living longer, like 3 or 4 years longer because they were "fighters". I hope my brother will become a fighter. I really want him to try and enjoy his life before he passes away. He has a little girl, she is 7 years old now. He never saw her much since his wife divorced him. His ex wife is very understanding even thought she divorced him because he cheated on her. She hopes he will want to fight back for his daughter's sake. I guess I can only wait to see what will happen.
Thank you again so much for your messages, they do help. They make me realize that I am not alone. Thank you

brainman · Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 5:46 pm Post subject: Re: All I do is cry

Sunrise, I totally agree with Derek about crying. I cannot say that I love to cry. However, I always feel better after a good cry. It is like the tears touch something deep in my soul... something very painful but also something that makes me who I am.

Derek, thank you for your inspirational words.
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Cubie · New User Joined: 27 Nov 2007 Posts: 8 Location: Hong Kong

Hi Sunrise,

I feel for you and your family.

Please do not give up on your brother. My cancer has also spread all over but I find comfort in the words "spontaneous remission". It gives me hope. If my doctors and family believed my days were numbered then I would feel angry too. Even if you are sure that he is going to pass away, you can try to make the rest of his days enjoyable.

I wish you could take the year off and just be by his side. Take him and the family on vacation. Have someone bring him his favorite foods and watch comedies... anything that can improve his mood and temporarily take his mind off the cancer.

I'll be praying for you and your family. Take care.

Sunrise · New User Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 6

Hi everyone,

Once again big thanks to all of you that left me a message.
Big news: one of the metastases in my brother's brain is gone Smile

I know it is not much but it is a beginning and thanks to that news my brother has finally decided that it is worth fighting.
It seems that after the 1st chimio the cancer has decided to "take a nap" so hopefully that "nap" will last forever.
I know deep down that one day I will lose my brother but I want that day to be in a very very very far future.
Hope is all we have so we have to hold on to that hope for as long as we can.

A million of thank you to you all and I hope you can keep on supporting me morally.

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