Is this question inappropriate?

satori22 · Regular Joined: 28 May 2007 Posts: 13

Is it ok to ask a dying person if they are scared? I just want to know if he has found at least some peace and acceptance about what is happening. but i'm not sure if it would be a bad idea to ask. He doesn't have long at all. what do you think?

swenson96825 · New User Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Honolulu

I'm new here. But I've been struggling with my moms cancer for about 2 years. She just initiated hospice care about 2 weeks ago. I've wondered the same thing. I have many questions too.

I think so long as your heart is in the right place and you have a good relationship with the dying person I think it's fine to ask. We're curious and they probably want to talk about whats happening with someone. Death is a difficult topic for the living. But I'm guessing since the dying person has had the experience of the journey athey're more prepared than we give them credit for.

fatherson · Regular Joined: 05 Jan 2007 Posts: 29 Location: Nottingham

Id have to say no. By asking that, im sure they are, it almost adds more distress. You should focus on any small positivity you can find.
I never asked my dad, infact we never told dad of his prognosis...i didnt want dad to know how long he had with us. I think some times the old adage of, ignorance is bliss, can be true. But i digress, if they want to tell you then fine...ask them how they are feeling...but dont force the question, just be there, love them and share the better times.
Its very delicate...i guess every situation is different.
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Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 700 Location: UK

I agree - it is not a question to ask the person.

But if they themselves raise it, be prepared to talk with them about their feelings.

brainman

I have to agree with Swenson. In some cases it may not be appropriate. However, if you have a very close relationship to the individual and if you ask with sensitivity and care and not just out of morbid curiosity or to place some sort of "guilt trip" on the person, it is a perfectly acceptable question. It might, in fact, be exactly what the person wants to talk about but is afraid no one else what to hear. If you ask and then sense resistance, you can always gracefully back out of that topic.

As a hospital chaplain, I have often asked that question so I say "Yes".

Interesting topic for a pole Wink

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satori22 · Regular Joined: 28 May 2007 Posts: 13

well he and i are very close and i don't mean it in a morbid or curious way at all. I just think it will help us both if we talk openly about it. I will be comforted by knowing he has accepted what is going to happen and maybe it will make this easier if he has someone to talk to about what he is going through. I don't want to make it worse for him though so i have decided not to ask. I just tell him i'm here to listen if he ever wants to talk about it and I try to encourage him to talk about it when he gets started a little. I know he will have to go. I just want to know he will be going in peace.

brainman

Then Satori, I totally agree with you! Talking can only help your relationship... just placing emphasis on one thing... after expressing your willingness to communicate, you have to respect HIS right not to want to talk. He could be the kind of person who would just rather let "sleeping dogs lie". In that case, the need to talk is yours and not his. So, how do YOU really feel about his future death? Are YOU at peace with it? These are important questions for you to start looking at even now.

Plus, let me go ahead and remind you and he is still alive. Try to find ways to focus on living rather than on dying. In the long run, it will help both of you to live life to its fullest while you still can find a small degree of joy with each other.

May God shine Light and Peace into both of your lives.
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Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

sine · Regular Joined: 14 Nov 2007 Posts: 10

I have decided to let my Dad broach the subject of death and everything else that needs to be discussed. He showed me his living will tonight, so his wishes are legally in writing. Everything else seems secondary to me. I do NOT want to push any issues to satisfy my need to know. It is his needs that matter most now.

But that is my situation. Follow your gut!

-Sine

brainman

I did bring up the subject of death with both of my parents. It was kind of uncomfortable but we got through the conversation. Fortunately for all of my family, my parents just had to tell us the decisions they had already made for themselves and show us where they kept the documents. We did talk about their fears but for both of them their greatest fears had to do with us, their children.
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Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

In

You know you and your friend more than anyone here. Its good to ask and get help from us all, but the realistic thing is- you need to decide for YOU.

You two might be that close you can talk about anything..So it might be ok to ask. But be prepared etc. You may not recieve the news you wish to hear.

I agree with everyone above. Yes to ask and No to ask- It all comes down to the two of you, and your realtionship as friends etc.

The 'How are you feeling about everything?' , will normally softly broach the question for you.

good luck.
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