Jokes-

In · Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 7:01 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

What does everyone think of the Jokes......?

Let me know....
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In · Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 7:10 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers .

"I don't weally fink my pet pyfon cares."
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ksplat · Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:58 am Post subject: An Irish joke!

I apologise in advance to any Irish folk who might be offended by this joke! Although Bill & Tom aren't very Irish names. Interpret as you may, but I hope you get a laugh.

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of

days he has another accident and severs his head Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead'

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in'

'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey person put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated

Cheers, Angie.
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ksplat · Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:59 am Post subject: I Love the Jokes!

Dear Inica,

I do enjoy this part of the forum. I always manage a good old chuckle reading these.

Keep up the good work!

Cheers, Angie.
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In · Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 11:29 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes-

I have many- maybe too many Confused

racial jokes......but have decided it might offend so took the "safe" road.

thanks for the praise though- i was getting worried. Laughing

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Toodles · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2007 Posts: 14

Inica told me I had to post or she would hit me Sad

(Help me people she is sooo mean to me Razz

)

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what - I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

In · Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 4:24 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes-

Haha- thats what i'm talking about- no on need be affraid...posta joke.

Even bad ones like toodles. Razz

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In · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 2:59 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

NOT to offend....

Had a car crash today.......

Hit the back of another car

The driver got out and he was a dwarf

He said, "I'm not Happy"

I said "well which one are you then?"
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In · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:00 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
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In · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:02 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would h ave to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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In · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:03 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

A old Aussie Joke- hope it doesn't easily offend anyone.

The Story of Jack Schitt

Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of he Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six chilren.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then came Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt and another son Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, Horace Schitt, and Eat Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Little Schitt.
So, the next time someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt" you can tell them them, you do, and you know his whole bloody family.

Embarassed

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In · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:18 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

Wouldn't you love to say this to someone???

"wipe your mouth- there is still some BS around your lips."

"why don't you slip into something more comfortable.....like a coma"

"never go to bed angry.............Shut up and plot your revenge"

"don't believe everything you think"

"Shhhh.... thats the sound of nobody caring what you think"

"Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning? "

"I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce"
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In · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:23 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

"Don't make me use UPPERCASE!"

"If you have something to say, raise your hand ......, then place it over your mouth".

"Your not yourself today.....I noticed the improvement immediately"

"whould you like some cheese to go with that whine eeee "

"Don't let your mind wonder.....It's too small to be out on it's own."

"Everyone seems normal' untill you get to know them. "
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In · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:44 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

25 ways to tell you're grown up.....

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Making Love in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food then beer in the fridge.

4. 6.00 Am is when you get UP, not go to bed.

5. You hear your Favourite song in the elevator.

6. you watch the weather channel, instead of countdown.

7. your friends marry and divource instead of "hook up" and "break up"

8. you go from 130 days of vaccation to 14 days.

9. jeans and a sweater no longer is classed as "dressed up "

10. you're the one calloing the police, cause the bloody kids nextdoor wont turn down the music.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex stories or jokes around you.

12. you don't know what time Tacco bell closes any more.

13. your car payments go up, but insurance goes down.

14. you feed your dog, dog food. Instead of left over Mcdonalds.

15. sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. you take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date- instead of the beggining of one.

18. eating a bucket of chicken wings at 3am would serverly upset, rather than settle your tummy.

19. you go to the drug store for painkillers and ntiacid, rather than condoms or pregnancy test.

20. $4.00 wine is no longer pretty good (stuff).

21. you actually eat breakfast food , AT breakfast time.

22. "i just can't drink like i used to" replaces "i'm never going to drink like that again".

23. 90% of time spent in front of computer is for "real" work...(jim excluded) Smile

24. you drink at home before going out to save money at a bar.

25. when you find out a friend is pregnant, you say "congratulations", not Oh, hell what happenend? "

BONUS:

26. you read this entire list, looking desperatly for one sign it isn't you...then you can't find a single one
Laughing

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In · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 4:12 am Post subject: Re: Jokes-

God's Boxes
I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold."

heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.
With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be!"
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
"My child, they're all here with me.."
I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?

"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
the black is for you to let go."

(i'm not a church person by any means Embarassed

, but this was special)
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