Easier to talk to those you are not as close to?

satori22 · Regular Joined: 28 May 2007 Posts: 13

When it comes to cancer and the overwhelming emotions and fears and the inevitable hurt of it all, is it sometimes easier for the person with cancer to talk to those he or she is not as close to?

My boyfriend passed away recently and I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact that he pushed me away from it all from the beginning. He did, near the end, start talking to me more and more and he opened up and made sure I knew exactly how much he cared for me and that he had pushed me away and done the things he did to protect me and to keep me from being miserable because he didn't want his illness to slow me down in my life or hurt me more than it had to. But before that he shut me out completely, and he shut his brothers--the only family he had--out too.

During the time when he shut his brothers and me out completely, he was still talking to his assistant who was running his businesses. It was mostly business but they were friends too, so I know he talked to her on a personal level about what he was going through during that time and his wishes for after he passed away. She is his representative and is in charge of taking care of all the final plans and the things that are left to be done with accounts, estate, etc with his lawyers. He never spoke to me about his death or what he had planned for after it happened, even though I often tried to let him know it was ok to talk freely with me about anything.

I am just wondering if maybe it was eaiser for him to talk about what he was going through with someone who he was friends with but who was not as close to him emotionally as his family and significant other. Maybe he didn't think it would hurt her as much as it would obviously hurt me or his brothers. Do you often find that it is easier to reveal the really hard things to people who you know will not be as affected and hurt by it as say your wife or your immediate family? I just want to understand the choices he made, and it is difficult not to feel a little jealous and angry that I was robbed of that time with him. Any input or advice would be very helpful. Thanks.

satori

Muttsmom

Hi,

I had a very good friend shut everyone out except her mom when her cancer came back. I sent her letters and called her parents so they could keep me updated, but Lori chose not shut everyone out. Part of her reason was she didn't want "pitty". I wrote her in 1 letter that pitty had nothing to do with it, it was caring about a friend. She opted to handle this in the way was most comfortable to her and I respected that.

As being someone who went through cancer treatment, I told my friends more then my parents. I knew it was hard enough for them to see their daughter going through the surgeries, chemo and radiation, and not knowing if I'd be alive in 5 years or not, and I thought it would just make it harder on them, knowing how bad I felt during the roughest part. Now I know that they felt helpless and wanted to be there for me, so I actually made it harder on them. But, at the time, I did what I felt was right.

My dad would drive up to take me to chemo (1 1/2 hour drive to me and then back 1 1/2 hr drive back to chemo) and sometimes I'd let him stay a couple of days. I found that I was being so mean to him and I didn't understand why. He was my dad and I loved him and he wasn't pushing himself to do things for me, he knew I'd ask if I needed something, so it didn't make sense...........then. Looking back, I truly believe that I thought if I was mean to him, he'd love me less and then if I died, he wouldn't hurt so bad........ Logical, NO, but when it comes to this disease, logic is rarely an issue.

I hope this helps you understand some of the reasons your b/f shut you out when he did. I have no doubt it was for any other reason then him thinking it would be better for you and his brothers.
_________________
Nancy
2/14/02 ILC 43 - 5.5 cm 9+/16 nodes
Stage IIIA er/pr+ Her2-
2/02 MRM
FECx6 radsx33
Tamoxifen - Arimidex (chemo induced menopause)
4/03 SM w/bilat. recon.
9/03 expanders removed
5/04 repair reconst. disaster
10/04 Actonel for bone/joint pain from Arimidex
NED - 5 years
3/07 Diabetes
In memory of Kim 12/1/04

satori22 · Regular Joined: 28 May 2007 Posts: 13

Thanks for your reply. It did help a lot. I know he was doing what he thought was best for me, but I don't think he ever really understood how much being there for him would have meant to me. I tried so hard to be there even when he pushed me away--I wrote him letters and emails and sent him pictures and things to cheer him up, as you did with your friend. I didn't want to be pushy though and force him to talk to me if he needed time alone. Sometimes I regret that--maybe I should have told him how much harder it was for me not to be able to be there. I don't know.

One thing you said sounds like something he hinted at. You said you thought that if he loved you less it would be easier if you didn't make it. I wonder if this is why my boyfriend went back and forth between saying things that diminished our relationship (we were together for more than 3 years but much of that was long distance because of my school, and he even said once when he was pushing me away that I would understand it better if we had had a "real" relationship, which was very hurtful) and telling me he loved me and that i was everything to him. That contradiction has been hard for me, but I think maybe he was trying to make me--and him--believe it was less real than it actually was so maybe the pain I felt over losing him (and the pain he felt over having to leave me behind) would be less real, and therefore less hurtful. I'm not sure, but it definitely makes sense considering what you've said and the way he acted near the end.

Thank you again for your response. It has helped enormously and I would appreciate any further insight you or anyone else might be able to offer. I hope you are doing well, and I wish the best for you and your family.

brainman · Last edited by brainman on Fri Sep 14, 2007 6:47 am; edited 1 time in total

Satori, unfortunately, many of us still believe that we can "protect" those who we most love by keeping them out of our lives during the hard times. What your boyfriend did not understand is that he was causing you so much more pain by keeping you out than you would have ever had if he included you. It is almost totally impossible to say what was going through your boyfriends mind. But he certainly did not understand the impact of his decisions on you.

So, now what do you do? Well, in time, you will move on as a much wiser woman. You have learned that to truly love someone is to be willing to feel pain with that someone. You also know that you are really looking for someone who is not afraid to include you in all of his life or to be included in all of yours.

Best wishes during this time of unspeakable grief.
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Muttsmom

I think it would be impossible to find someone that you knew would share everything with you in good and bad times. None of us knew how we'd react when we found out we had cancer because it wasn't something we expected to happen. Everyone handles things differently and what's right for someone may not be right for others. I know plenty of women who after they finished up with treatment, they didn't want to post on any board having to do with cancer, they wanted to move on. Others felt like they wanted to try and help others through their journey.

I know how I handled things after I found out I had cancer and was going through treatment, but if my cancer came back and I was dying from it (I pray that never is the case), I can't honestly tell you how I'd react or if I'd shut people out or let them in. I don't think anyone purposely hurts anyone, but they do what they think is the best, and it's not always the case.

Satori, I know you wanted to be there for your bf and I'm sure he wanted you there, but truly thought he was doing the best thing for you. I have no doubt that he knew you wanted to be there and to help him, but he may not have wanted you to see him so sick. You could have told him it was harder on you not to be there with him, but if he really thought it would be harder on you, I don't think it would have changed things.

Even though he wouldn't let you physically be there, you were there for him in every other way, and he knew that. You did everything you could and I pray that one day you'll realize that and have no regets. You'd be surprised how many "friends" run the other way when they hear someone has cancer, including me. You didn't do that. I hope one day soon you'll find peace with knowing how that you were there for him and that you didn't push him into doing something that he'd be uncomforable with. To me, you did everything right and he was very lucky to have someone, that put his wishes above your own....... It is very hard to love someone and do that, so I'd say he was one lucky man Smile

_________________
Nancy
2/14/02 ILC 43 - 5.5 cm 9+/16 nodes
Stage IIIA er/pr+ Her2-
2/02 MRM
FECx6 radsx33
Tamoxifen - Arimidex (chemo induced menopause)
4/03 SM w/bilat. recon.
9/03 expanders removed
5/04 repair reconst. disaster
10/04 Actonel for bone/joint pain from Arimidex
NED - 5 years
3/07 Diabetes
In memory of Kim 12/1/04

In

Satori22,

I think that sometimes it's 'easier' to talk to someone not close. That way you don't get emotional and can deal with things, plus not have to deal, or worry about their reaction or feelings too. It sounds harsh, but sometimes it's the only way to cope.

I, myself, tend to bottle things and not let the Husband or family know- just till i get myself worked out. (get my head around it) that way i don't feel like i'm getting pity, or i'm overcome with supporting them and having to put a brave front on.
Sometimes it's just the fact i don't want to be under a microscope. People watching, waiting for me to crack or crumble.

I don't know if that helps you to understand- by my point of view anyway.

Inica
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Thinking of you Inica

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