Confused Daughter

JForeman456 · New User Joined: 29 Jan 2005 Posts: 4

Hello. I just found out that my Daddy has cancer. He has been going through radiation and chemotherapy alone, as he has not told anyone about this. I only found out because I went to visit him and got a phone call that his appointment had to be changed because the radation machine was down. I felt so hurt and MAD that he would keep something this serious from me. I did confront him about it and he admitted it but gave me only brief answers to my questions. He seemed to get annoyed so I dropped it (for now). He has seemed to open up a little in the past week. I think the thought of him going through this alone hurt me more than the cancer itself. Anyway, it was found because he was having shoulder pain and was found to have a torn rotator cuff. I guess the CT scan also showed a mass. He was telling me that it is a tumor associated with his scapula. However, I finally got him to answer some questions for me and I asked him what the name of the cancer is. He said, "small cell". Everything I have looked up associates small cell with lung cancer. His sister died of throat and lung cancer. My questions are;
1) Is small cell cancer only associated with the lungs?
2) He seems to be opening up a little bit now and I don't want to aggrivate him but the unknown is killing me. I don't understand how someone could want to go through this alone. Does this happen with a lot of cancer patients and, if so, is it likely that he will talk more freely about it? Should I be more agressive about this or just keep waiting for him to talk?
3) If he is lying to me, should I confront him about it?

Thanks for any imput you can give me.

merianne · Regular Joined: 06 Dec 2004 Posts: 16 Location: lakeland

I lost a brother to non-small cell cancer. When some one is diagnosed with cancer they get scared, they go into a denial phase where they believe that if they do not tell anyone then it will make the diagnosis not true, or they will not have to deal with their own feelings, or any one else's. IT is a phase of getting toward acceptance of a shock, or surprise. Your dad is an adult and his wishes should be honored. If he wants to talk, talk to him, if he indicates he had rather not talk about it, then let it be but let him know you are there if he changes his mind. IT really is not your "right" to know it is your privilege to be allowed into his feelings about it. I think you must care a lot and this will be difficult for you, but that is why cancer is so scarey. It reminds us that we all die.
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If the world ended tomorrow, there would still be today.

JForeman456 · New User Joined: 29 Jan 2005 Posts: 4

I understand what you are saying and I know you are right but my heart is so hurt. If I am having all these emotions...I can't imagine what he is going through. I'm not pressing him to talk too much about it. When I get a little info, I try to look things up. I guess thats how I'm gonna have to find things out until he wants to open up a little more. Thats why I am asking about small cell? I just want to know if it can be associated with anything besides the lungs. Thanks.

hhmv73a · Experienced user Joined: 16 Jan 2005 Posts: 95

dear j:
sorry to hear that your father has small cell cancer. here is my understanding of the disease:

the most common primary site for "small cell" cancer is lung. about 20% of all lung ca cases in u.s. are small cell lung cancer.

small cell lung cancer and small cell cancers from other origins are usually systemic disease and for most patients, chemotherapy is required.

whether a patient wants to share his condition with his friends or family members, even with some of their physicians, is competely their rights. i understand that you want to share his pain and make him feel better, but if the patient does not want to talk about his condition because that will cause emotional stress or of other reasons, you should not force him. however, i do think that family support IS extremely importing during cancer management.

i am not sure what you should do when he is lying to you. but my personal feeling is that aggravating him is not a good idea.

let us know if you have further questions.

good luck,

jay

J. Jay Lu, M.D.
Diplomate, American Board of Radiology (Radiation Oncology)

blondie1972 · New User Joined: 18 Apr 2005 Posts: 3

Dear J~

I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through. I understand that you must be so frustrated and worried about your father ~and the lack of information must make it worse for you.

What prompted me to reply to your message is that I was in the same boat as your father~ I was diagnosed with cancer almost seven years ago and although I did tell my family, I often kept information to myself because I did not want to make them worry. I already knew that my parents were worried beyond belief, so I tried not to say too much about things unless absolutely necessary. What I didn't realize until later is that what I was doing was making them worry even more than they would have if I had have been open and honest with them. Also, the more I talked about it, the more "real' everything seemed.

Unfortunately I can't help you with any info about the type of cancer your father has~ but I simply wanted to drop you a line and wish you well and also explain where I was coming from when I was choosing not to share info with my family. Its something I absolutely regret now, but at the time I thought it was a way to deal with things and make my family worry less Crying or Very sad

All the best~
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~Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of travelling!~
Four Year Survivor~ Ewing's Sarcoma

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