Mum's Stage IV

dariad · New User Joined: 13 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

My beloved mother was diagnosed with Stage IV out of the blue in April. They told her 6-8 months without treatment and up to 2 years if treatment worked. She had 3 rounds of oral chemo and declined intravenous when that was not working. Here is my dilemma. She knows this will kill her but seems to have missed the point that since the oral chemo had no effect, the original short timeline is in effect. I spoke with her personal physician on Friday who told me that if she made it to (Canadian) Thanksgiving (in mid-October), "she would be doing well". She's almost 85 and my father, also 85, is quite frail. There are decisions that have to be made about Dad's future and I think she needs to make some plans of her own. How/when do we tell her that her time line is shorter? I have been wrestling with this over countless sleepless nights. My Mum is an amazing woman and a tower of strength, but I'm not sure she wants to know THIS. Or maybe I'm just being a woosey and do not want to be the one to correct her vision of 2 more years. Can someone guide me on this? A friend, who works in palliative care, said "the greatest gift we can give them is honesty". Which is easy to say, but when I look at the woman I love so much, I become a 3-year-old again, not the 58-year-old strong woman she believes me to be. I am more like my mother than my Dad and I know that I would WANT to know, so I am also assuming that she would. Can someone tell me how to gently initiate this conversation? I've never been accused of being overly tactful, so am afraid of being a bull in a china shop and saying something too bluntly. Thank you in advance for any help you can give this grieving heart.

brainman · Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 2:03 pm Post subject: Re: Mum's Stage IV

Hi dariad, I am so sorry about your mother's cancer. I noticed that no one has replied to you and wish to apologize to that over-site.

I do not thing the issue is time line being so short. I think all of us, regardless of age or health, should constantly keep our personal affairs in order. I have had a will since I was 24 (I am now 53) and have kept it up to date since then. I named a health care surrogate and a durable power of attorney in the mid 80's. I have talked many times with my adult children and my first ex-wife (my health care surrogate) about my wishes.

But I also am the one who brought up those delicate issues with both of my parents and made sure that they had the appropriate documentation. It was rather strange-felling to raise those topics with my parents. My approach was just simple to jump in and ask the questions. Maybe there is a more tactful way to do it, but it got the conversation going. I think my exact words where: "We need to know what you want when the time comes when you cannot express your wishes... whenever that happens."

I think a lot of it depends on your relationship with your parents. If your relationship is strong and they know you love them and have their best interest in mind, they will forgive lack of tact Smile

_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

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