Help me cope to help my mother and family

csquared · New User Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 5

Please i need advice or true live experiences, to help my mother through her mastectomy and also how to help my dad and family cope.

Hi Everyone,

My mother who is 62 years old, was diagnosed 2 weeks ago with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy on tuesday 24th April and is currently recooperating in hospital. They removed all the glands/lymph nodes from her arm as well as the entire right breast. She has had an ultrasound on her abdomen and is going for a bone scan next week. She has drains still attached to her. We have not got the cancer stage back yet (it is Ireland and the health care system is inadequate to deal with things promtly).

I have visited everyday, except today as i had to work 12hrs. I have gone with her for all her hospital appointments. She has been positive for the most part, but tonight when she rang me on the phone i got the feeling that she was really down. I know this is to be expected, she has been through a huge ordeal, with more to come.

[u]She has been getting alot of visitors, do you think we should limit the people calling to see her?[/u] She is also not sleeping very well (she was never good to sleep in the first place) but as the drains are in her right, that is the side she usually falls asleep on, it is making things that little more uncomfortable.

[u]Do you think she needs time to herself to think and deal with the operation, to mourn her breast?[/u]

[b]Yesterday i think was the first time my dad spent some time alone with her and i think he feels awkward around her. How do i help him see she is still Mam, only one breast less.[/b]

[u]My question is, what can i say to her what can i do for her to let her know its ok to cry, its ok to hurt and its alright to talk about it? [/u]I am from Ireland and the irish way of dealing with things is sweep everything under the carpet and hope for the best. But i am don't want that, i want my mother to be able to express herself she needs to.

[u]Also what can i say to my dad i don't think he is dealing to well with this, what can i do?[/u] I need help to get my family to open up and talk if not it will divide us and we need to be united for this fight.

[u]Has anyone gone through what i am going through has anyone any advice on what to say to my mother to get her to open up and talk, what to say to my dad. Do i sit him down and explain what my mother has gone through and what the next steps are?[/u]

Help me please...........!!

Thank you

vitalizm · New User Joined: 30 Apr 2007 Posts: 6

First off Im sorry to hear the sad new about your mom. The only thing I can suggest is to be loving, supportive, and understanding. I really dont know what else to say, only that I hope for the best for you and your loved ones.
Best Wishes.
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Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 699 Location: UK

[u]She has been getting alot of visitors, do you think we should limit the people calling to see her?

I think it would be good thing to keep the visits short and relatively few. 20 minutes is usually quite long enough for most people in hospital.

[/u] She is also not sleeping very well (she was never good to sleep in the first place) but as the drains are in her right, that is the side she usually falls asleep on, it is making things that little more uncomfortable.

You need to sort this out with the hospital.

[u]Do you think she needs time to herself to think and deal with the operation, to mourn her breast?[/u]

She needs time to herself anyhow - goes back to your question about limiting visits.

[b]Yesterday i think was the first time my dad spent some time alone with her and i think he feels awkward around her. How do i help him see she is still Mam, only one breast less.

By being quite unemotional about it and talking about her as normal. With due respect, he has known her longer than you have!

[u]My question is, what can i say to her what can i do for her to let her know its ok to cry, its ok to hurt and its alright to talk about it?

I have to ask - do you think she wants to cry? I feel you must let her decide. The most you can do is to tell her that you are always available if she wants to talk about anything.

[/u]I am from Ireland and the irish way of dealing with things is sweep everything under the carpet and hope for the best. But i am don't want that, i want my mother to be able to express herself she needs to.

Same as above

[u]Also what can i say to my dad i don't think he is dealing to well with this, what can i do? I need help to get my family to open up and talk if not it will divide us and we need to be united for this fight.

Be upfront - make it clear that everyone is in this together, and ask what they propose to do in order to help your mother get well quickly.

[u]Has anyone gone through what i am going through has anyone any advice on what to say to my mother to get her to open up and talk, what to say to my dad. Do i sit him down and explain what my mother has gone through and what the next steps are?[/u]

I would advise that you be careful. Don't push too hard. Make sure they know you are ready to listen if they want to talk, but if you push, they may well become resistant and angry. Use your anger against the disease.

Good luck.

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