How did your family react when you told them you had cancer?

nutter

I am 23 years old, left home when I was 17. Recently I was diagnoised with hodgkin lymphoma and have undergone 2 sessions of chemotherapy so far all is going well as can be expected! But it is the reaction from my family that is so hard to deal with..... I have my mother and my brother who live about 30mins away from me and my father who lives in Australia and has done for 10 years and more, but we are still in contact.

I got diagnosed just before christmas and told my mother over the phone and in the very same conversaion she said that she could not find the time to pick me up on christmas day so I couldn't go. In other words she ran a mile when she heard the news.

My brother had not been told and eventually came to pick me up so I could be with my family on christmas day (as he lives with my mother I thought he knew), on the way I told him and we had a massive argument which resulted in him kicking me & my dog out on the side of the road 15miles away from my home (I forgot to tell you that I broke my back 4 years ago and cannot walk without assistance & had no credit on my mobile). I thought he was going to go to the next roundabout and come back, but he didn't it was an hour and a half before my mother called me and I was able to tell her what had happened and she came and picked me up, but she took me back home so I had no xmas dinner or such like.

Since then I have not spoken to my brother as he has not bothered to get in touch and put things right. He does however ask my mother how I am (so I know he still cares - but still he can't show me that - so he is staying away altogether). he is 5 years older than me!

My mother has been reasonably supportive - it just feels that sometimes her work and her financial problems are more important than me and my health, but in the other breath she is in bits because she cares soo much. I think she just finds it hard to see me going through this after everything I have already beaten.

As for my father who is in Oz. I didn't tell him anything because of the reactions from my mother and brother. It has only been today that I got brave enough to call him and tell him. I was worried that he was going to be devistated and ask loads of questions because that is what he is normally like, but he didn't seem to care at all. He took it with a pinch of salt and rushed me off the phone because he had to get ready for work as he didn't want to be late.

I didn't want him to feel sorry for me or anything like that I just expected him to at least be shocked, or wonder why it has taken me so long to tell him - just something but it was as if he had been told that i got a new pair of shoes - you know what I mean....??????????/

I know this is a long winded post but is anyone else out there having the same problem with their family's reaction,, because I am starting to feel as though I have done something wrong in the eyes of my family by getting cancer....... it's almost as if they are saying "how dare you have cancer get away from us?" Anyone feeling this or is my family just completely beyond help! Or am I treally a wrongan'?
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If my dogs says yes then it's alright with me!

jfkbluecircle · Posted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 3:03 pm Post subject: Circle of quiet

Hi, Nutter,
I had a similar experience with some members in my family after my diagnosis and during my treatment (they all lived within 300 miles from me). I am the youngest of five and during my treatment my mother was the primary person who came with me to the clinic every other week for my chemo (I was also single at that time). During 12 treatments, my father came once (for my 26th birthday on which I had a treatment), one of my three sisters came once and my only brother came to see me on an 'off' weekend, but things were very strained.

When I told my Dad about my illness (over the phone as you did) his response was a short guffaw and a "you're joking".

It sounds as though you have been through a lot already in your young life, and you are still here! What strength you must have!

One of the most important things I realized while going through chemo is who I could count on and who I could not. In many ways, I already knew this in my heart about certain people in my life. However, I also found some comfort (weird word, but not really sure how to describe it) having all of the charade taken away with some people. It felt almost like a release (again another weird word for something indescribable) because for the first time in my life (and perhaps in yours) I came to believe that what I felt and thought mattered. I had no choice on many days to be feeling tired, angry, alone, afraid. I stopped trying to shield those closest to me from those feelings, too, because that was almost as exhausting as trying to cope with my illness, treatment and recovery.

You have cancer; you are allowed to feel unhappy, scared, confused, frustrated, pissed off ( I apologize to anyone offended by this choice of phrase, but it is an apt description for this type of feeling, I think). You and only you can find that space inside yourself where you are NOT the cancer. That is a rock that I found in my own self and I believe you will, too. Please, be kind to yourself before anyone else at this time in your life. I felt tremendous guilt, too; sometimes (and I have gone through professional conseling for this aspect) I felt I brought the cancer on myself. It sounds hokey, but things happen in life for a reason. It just may not be obvious to us at the time why, when we are distracted by other more immediate concerns.

To borrow a great phrase from Madeline L'Engle: may you find your own circle of quiet. May you give yourself time and patience and love.

Please, keep me posted on how you are. You will get through this. You are the only one who can do it, but you are not alone.
Best,
Jessica

nutter

got hodgkin lymphoma - family are distance - friends have been great... please I needan independent port of call for advice and sharing emotions. e-mail address emmapatches@mail.com.

please I need someone to listen to me - i'mbegging. you have my address and you have the oportunity to get in touch.....please helpme. Iam actually deoing really well but annot worry my friends about what isreally being felt inside me need to talk to someone who is indirectly involved - pleaseIneed amate who can just listen tome- am I BEING SELFISH OR AM i BEING WEEK - PLEASE SOMEONE MUST HAVETHE TIME TO COMUNICATEWIHT ME TO ASSURE ME AIAM NOT ALONE AND NOT GOING MAD. SOMEONE PLEASE TALK TO ME
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If my dogs says yes then it's alright with me!

rose8

dear nutter you are not alone on this site we are cancer comrades if you like as there is no one who does not have cancer understand what we go through as to your family i jast cant understand how your brother could have done that or your mother maybe in their defence they are scared and find it hard to cope most folk do and they dont know what to say. Anyway if you have friends round you use them as your support or a macmillian nurse or just keep chatting on this forum you keep it together be strong and know there are others out there in cyber space to unload your troubles to take care and good luck with your treatments and i hope your family realise what you are going through

AutumnSkyyAngel · New User Joined: 05 Apr 2007 Posts: 1

I can relate to all your experiences with family and having cancer. I was just diagnosed with a hodgkins reoccurance. This is the second time it has come back after treatment. My family was not there for me the first 2 times and I don't expect them to be there for me now. I was living at home with my father and his wife even though they occasionaly came downstairs to go to the laundry room to do their wash no one ever asked me how I was or anything. Things were like this before cancer, but seemed to get worse or not change after cancer came into mylife. When I told my father I had cancer he just said Yeah...changed the subject and porceeded to tell me about some sale at a store he went to that day. My brother called maybe 2 times in one year. I called him many times but h never called back. We were pretty close before he moved out got married, even afterwards. I have found my support in mostly friends. Without them I don't know how i would have gotten through any of the medical problems I have had.
Last time I had my fiance in my life which made a nig difference. Even though he's miles away. Hopefully that will change very soon as he is expected to come home soon. He's been working out of state.

I think we are lucky to have forums like this where we can express our emotions and ask for help and support, and get it from people who know our experiences.
Autumn

megan

Hey Nutter,

I have a friend who is in a similar position as you. I must say that it completely boggles my mind at how a family could ignore this type of fight that you are enduring.

You are not alone ever. There are support groups everywhere as well as here online.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and just email if you need to talk...

waldrep.megan@gmail.com

take care,
megan
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Richard Day Gore

It seems having cancer can shed a harsh spotlight on issues with family and friends. If there were problems before, they can really come to a head. Then again there are plenty of times when the diagnosis helps people see through the layers of bullsh*t that have defined their relationships and actually start healing. I'm extremely lucky in that my family has always gotten along, and they rallied round me when I was diagnosed. I did have a couple of friends, though, who vanished. I guess that's one of the so-called "benefits" of cancer: it can give you a crash course in who your friends are--and more importantly, aren't.
Regards,
Richard Day Gore
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Richard Day Gore

nutter

Thank you all for your reply's it helps me a lot to know that I am not the only one who has had more understanding from friends than their family. I am now 2 3rds of the way through this lot of chemo and things are getting harder but I think emotionally I am getting stronger.

As I live with a friend who has been absolutley fantastic, mymother has never seen me at my worst just after chemo. So, after my last treatment I went to my Mum's for a few days (it sort of had to happen as my friend got badly bitten by my dog when stopping a scrap she was having with her dog) she was not ableto help memuch - so I stayed with my Mum. Wow was that an eye opener.....I was so drained, confused and sick and my Mum just kept losing her cool with me - she could not handle it so I won't be going there after treatment again! No doubt that she loves me to bits but I think it best I only see her on my good days!

It did kind of hurt to think that my friend is taking better care of me than my mum ever could - but I'm just so greatful to have a friend like that who I am so close to!

It's not easy to carry on life as normal when your fighting cancer is it? I can try and pretend that I am carrying on as normal, but even if you forget about the fatigue and nausea - emotionally inside you can't carry on as normal because if the whole CANCER thing isn't causing havoc with your emotions - then the medication mucks about the way you feel aswel!

Still I keepmyself going and feeling rather proudof myself for doing that! I was adopted at birth in Australia and have been wanting to find my birth mother my whole life. 1 month into my chemo and I finally got the information about her that I've waited so long for. I now know everything about her apart from her current address which I am still looking for but having no joy yet (tried a few avenues but don't really know where to look for this information?) but knowing that I am on that path and hope to find her address before the end of my treatment, it keeps me going to think that as soon as I am well enogh I shall be on a plane to australia with my best friend and on my way to meet my birth mother - This and the love from my dog are 2 fantastic reasons that keep me strong and keepme fighting.

Thank you to everyone on this site, it has been a huge help to discuss stuff like this with people who know and care about what I and many others are going through!
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If my dogs says yes then it's alright with me!

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