Life after Mum

lifestooshort · Regular Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 19

Hi there,

Found this forum after desperately looking for people to talk to.
My mum passed away 6 weeks ago. 2 years ago she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon cancer which had spread to her liver. At the time she was pretty fit and healthy. She had been having scans for something else so this was totally unexpected. Even the doctors were surprised. At that level of her illness she should've been displaying symptoms but there were none.

So she was put onto Chemo and at the end of last year she started to get poorly. Throughout this year, she got more and more ill and her illness started to affect her appearance. She was always very proud of her appearance so this was so sad to watch. We tried everything to make her better. We had to go Alternative in the end because the conventional doctors couldn't help. But she was too far gone.

I miss her so much. I was always the closest one to her and I feel so sad to realise that I never really appreciated her enough. I only started to tell her I loved her about 2 weeks before she died. I could've done more, seen her more, spent more time with her but I didn't. I'm not yet 30 so I feel cheated that I've lost her this young. She never lived to see her kids marry, have kids of their own and do great things with their lives.

My dad is not really coping much at all. I had to go through all of mum's things and either throw them out or give them away. That really hurt. I also discovered at the weekend that my dad has started dating again which I think is way too soon. I have to tell myself though that he's just a lonely old man. But I feel so sorry for my mum that her husband couldn't give her the decency of a few months before doing this. She wouldn't have done this and I have terrible thoughts about how this would all be a lot easier if he had gone and not my mum. I do feel bad about thinking this.

But it hurts to know that the one person who was always on my side has gone and this makes the world feel somewhat scarier. I feel alone but my boyfriend is really caring and supportive but it's hard to talk to him because he doesn't understand what this is like for me. When I try to talk to him I just end up sounding like someone who thinks this doesn't happen to anyone else. Which isn't true. I'm just really pissed off that it's happened to me, and I'm jealous of people that still have their mum. Which is everyone really - I don't know anyone else who has gone through this.

I guess I'm not really looking for an answer. This just helps to get some stuff off my chest.

auckland711 · New User Joined: 02 Dec 2006 Posts: 5

As you said in your post to me, our stories are very similar! i too feel like i should have spent more time with mum, talked more, done more with her- all the usual stuff. What i would give to turn the clock back and have my time with her again but that is not going to happen.
i know the fact that your mum didn't get the chance to see you or your siblings have children upsets you, but watching my children at their beloved nannas funeral broke my heart. I just kept thinking that if this is hard for me to cope with how must they feel! my 17 yr old son carried his nans coffin into the chapel-i was so proud, and so would she have been, they were very close. He then spent all day and night throwing up!
I feel so totally useless to them, i just keep breaking down and have done practically nothin for them since mum died 7 days ago. My little girl didn't even have clean pants today for school cos i haven't done any laundry!
i know i've got to try and pull myself together for their sake and my poor step-dad!
The best advice i can give is cry when you need to, don't hold it in! Try to remember the good times and to try to laugh at the funny things your mum has done. and try to remember that wherever she is she is free from pain.......at last.

Thinking of you- lisa x

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

I lost my mom last year, and I've gone through the pain you're experiencing now. I think the first year was the hardest. It was the first of everything without my mom. I really thought my mom would live up to her 80s just because her mom did. Losing her at 65 was unexpectable. She was diagnosed with cancer in September 2005. She passed away in October 2005. We didn't even get the chance to accept her diagnosis, let alone to have to deal with her death. I could dwell in it, but the pain is too overwhelming. It sickens me. So I will do what I think my mom would want me to. I think she would want me to carry on, as normal as possible. It's the most difficult thing that I have ever gone through, and it takes all that I have in me to shake off the misery of her loss, but I think she gives me the strength to carry on.

You'll never stop missing her. I think about my mom every day and still, at times, I can't believe she's really gone. I just keep telling myself that this is the cycle of life...we're born, we live and we die. It sucks, I know, but it's out of our control. I know that she's with her eldest sister and her mom and dad, and all her other relatives, loved ones and friends that have also gone to heaven. I know that she is no longer in pain, and living in a paradise of no harm, no sufferings and everlasting happiness. Although she is not physically with us, I know that she can see us, hear us and has the freedom to be anywhere she wants to be.

Like yourself, shortly after my mom passed away, I was overcome with such emotions that I looked in the internet about grieving and cancer. I came upon this forum which helped me tremendously because I started to vent out and it's so great because it's anonymous. Use this forum as a tool to help you through this difficult time.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself...

lifestooshort · Regular Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 19

Thanks guys for your replies. It really helps to know that I'm normal in my thinkings.

I also thought my mum would live forever (practically). I could picture her as a little old lady with white hair who would force herself upon staying with me and my future family for a couple of times every year. It's amazing really how things can work out so differently from what you imagine.

Even though I had 2 years with my mum, after she was initially diagnosed I'm not sure this was a blessing. I don't think there is any good way to die. I was able to appreciate her more, although I didn't really do this until a few months before she died - I really thought she was going to get better, and the best way to treat her was as if she was ok. But it was just so sad to see her getting more and more ill. Heartbreaking to have to feed her, clothe her and wash her. And to not be able to relieve her pain. Like you say, it was a relief in the end, although I'd give anything to have her back, like how she was when she was well.

Anyway, thanks again, both of you and take care.

brainman · Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 5:15 pm Post subject: Re: Life after Mum

My mother died 8 years ago. From diagnosis, she only lived 2 months. However, my father went through several years of getting weaker before he died. I was his primary care provider so I know what you mean by having to take care of an elderly and sick person. I had to give him his bath, to help him to eat, to get dressed, to get in and out of bed…. It was not easy for him or me. But I miss him so much. I would do it all over again if I had the choice.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2405My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2528
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 3: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

MadameButterfly · New User Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 1

My aunt passed 2 wks ago from colon cancer. She was diagnosed in Aug 2005. It had spread to her liver in Dec 2005. She began her fight against cancer with everything she had. Of course with cancer, there are so many ups and downs, good days and bad days. It became routine for me to call her every morning to see how she was feeling. I'll never forget the morning (in Oct 2006) I called her and she had told me that the doctors had her CTscan results we had been waiting for but that it was not good news. Two of the tumors in her liver they had been treating had grown back and were now bigger. It was the first time I had ever heard fear in her voice. It seems like the month of Nov flew by for our family. She became so sick so fast. I wished so hard every day that I could give her my own lungs, my own liver to make her pain and suffering go away. She began to have frequent trips to the ER, then the hospital bed and oxygen tanks were delivered to her hm. She had began having, what she thought were, muscle spasms in her back. She had gone to the ER (around mid Nov 2006) because the pain in her back was just too much to handle and it was at that time the doctors informed her that the cancer had spread to her spine and that there were no more options available in treatment.

She was transported to the hospice on the eve of Thanksgiving 2006. Since Thanksgiving day was her first official day at the hospice, we brought Thanksgiving to her. We had our traditional family gathering along with a home cooked Turkey dinner at the hospice. We thought we'd make the best of it and do what she'd want. It didn't matter where we were as long as we were all together. Her last solid meal was a few thin strips of turkey she managed to eat. Our family spent day and night at the hospice with her, taking shifts and never leaving her alone. She passed away the weekend after Thanksgiving. Her last words to me were "I love you too."

I didnt have a clear understanding as to what a hospice really was and what it meant when a person was taken there. Inside I refused to believe that she was going to pass away. I just always thought that she would get better. I wasn't used to seeing her that way-weak and sick and unsure. I tried really hard to be strong for her and her kids (my cousins who I consider siblings). My aunt was like a 2nd mother to me. She was very much involved in my life growing up...lots of great memories. She was the favorite aunt every niece wishes she had.

This is the first time I've ever dealt with death. I'm glad I found this forum to help me understand and cope. I can't believe there are other people out there going thru the same ordeal as me. It still hasn't hit me that she's gone. Now I catch myself picking up the phone to call her and forget she's not there anymore. My favorite memories are of her and I visiting at her house talking and laughing for hours and hours about anything and everything. It was so much fun. I know she's in a better place now-free of pain and suffering. The hardest part is dealing with how much I miss her ...her voice, her smile and her laugh. I have this empty place in my heart that I just don't know how I'm going to heal.

lifestooshort · Regular Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 19

I'm so sorry, I really know exactly what you are going through.

No words can ever make this any easier. It's some small consolation that our loved ones are no longer in any pain but this doesn't help the fact that we miss them so much. My mother passed away 2 months ago and still I can't quite believe that she's gone. When things happen I still think, oh I'll need to tell mum that, and it hurts to realise that I can't and that certain things will never happen ever again.

The truth is that I just wasn't ready to lose my mum yet. Not that anyone is but I just hadn't matured enough to appreciate what she meant to me. But I guess that's just my fault and maybe some kind of divine retribution for me being the way I was. She had so much time for me and I have so many regrets for not making the same time for her. I wish so much that she hadn't got ill, that things had been different, that I'd told her more and asked her more, but now none of that matters. I'm just struggling to cope with the fact I'll never see her again.

My mum was also so bloody brave. Even when it was obvious she was dying, she thought she was going to get better. To see her so high-spirited made me also think she was going to get better, so it was a shock when she passed away.

At the moment, I'm going through a lot of unreasonable behaviour. I'm jealous of people who still have a mum. I'm annoyed at friends who think they have problems, when they don't really have any in comparison. I want people to give me sympathy and lots of attention but I don't want pity or for people to feel awkward around me. I fly off the handle, and then use my situation as an excuse, even though sometimes it's got nothing to do with it. I hope this is just part of the grieving process.

The only thing really that keeps me sane most of the time is when I try to be like my mum. I always hated the thought of turning into my mum (as most daughters do), but now I'm desperate to be just like her, as she was such a great person. And I will, because I have to think that somewhere she's looking down, and I want to make her proud.

Worcester · New User Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 2

How do you stay positive and support a parent with a relatively new diagnosis (since June 26) and be realistic? I've been lying to myself that he was going to be okay. I thought this was supportive, now it looks like a heap of denial.

Like lifetooshort I guess I thought he will live forever and once the initial chemo happened and the lung tumors shrunk a little I'd been breathing easier. Now they're bigger again and the second rib is metasized too I'm feeling like the floor has been ripped away....again. Yesterday is offically the second worst day of my life, the first being June 26.

I am so terrified he will die. Duh. This is inevitable I know. It just doesn't feel like enough, enough time, enough talking, enough. I don't know how to bring up really deep topics with him, he avoids anything stressful to the point of being an ostrich. He only wants to look at the postive, which I fully understand, yet in retrospect I'm enabling him to live in this rosy world. I'm terrified to tell him my due date (I'm about 31 weeks pregnant w/child #2) because he fully believes in the "replacement theory" that one family member is born when another passes. To top it off that baby is due on his 59th birthday in February. I've been hedging on the due date when he asks so that he doesn't realize the coincidence of it all.

On one hand he pretends all is good, on the other I think he expects every day to be the end. He's been taking weekend trips between his drug trial all over NE to "say goodbye" to his favorite places. Not that he'd admit that's what he's up to, he just drags my mom around place to place. Yesterday the officially kicked him out of the drug trial and plan to start him on another round of "real" chemo. I'm really worried about his stamina this time round.

He just caught the flu for appearing as Santa for a bunch of germy kids on the train. So now they're worried about those complications as well. My mom and sister are furious he did the Santa appearances knowing he's open to illness, but he insisted, and frankly I didn't discourage him, I took it as a sign of his feeling better. Again, is this his "I can beat it" attitude or his "It doesn't really matter anyway" attitude that pushed him to do it, whereas two months ago he wouldn't even hug his family for fear of germ exposure?

I'm having nightmares about it all, his illness, his dying, losing him. I wake up crying. I don't know how to tame my emotional rollercoaster around my darling 4 year old. I feel so lost, so horrified. I just turn over to autopilot and can go a few weeks as if he isn't sick and then I just crash into this hyper reality where I probably over dramatize it. It can't be this bad, right? Why does it feel like the sky is falling?

How do you survive this?

lifestooshort · Regular Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 19

Worcester,

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I clearly remember the stages too and it's tough. I don't really have any advice for you but what I found reassuring was to never give up hope. I don't believe that there is anything like false hope, as even though my mother was clearly dying, she had hope that she would survive and I really believe that that gave her a few extra weeks, maybe months. It was hard to be positive in front of her. When it hurt so much that she was in pain, and I sometimes just wanted her to die so it wouldn't hurt anymore, and it was all I could do to hold back the tears, I had to be strong, to try to make her laugh and feel good about herself to get her through the bad times.

I don't want to tell you what to do but I also found it good to surf the internet for possible cures for her illness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fooled, I know it didn't work for my mother but for some people there is hope in Alternative remedies. And it gave me more hope which helped me through the tough times.

I don't want to dishearten you too, but all the while I had all this hope, I was also, deep down, preparing myself for the inevitable. You have to really, because if you're not ready and it does happen, it'll hit you so hard. You have to take care of yourself especially in your condition and with a small child. Spend time with your father, say and do all the things that you should do. Let him say his goodbyes and do all the things he feels he needs to do, however gently guide him into being sensible and looking after himself.

The truth is you survive because you have to survive.

My thoughts are with you.

Worcester · New User Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 2

Despite my father reassuring me that he doesn't need to see me right now (and my mother and sister telling me the opposite) I'm going to make the 350 mi. drive today to spend some time with him. I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't go right now.

It's that fine balance between optimism and denial I need to work on. You're right about the false hope comment....although I know an end will come at some point and that's what I need to prepare for.

He is on a huge vitamin regimen and takes "Essaic" some burdock root extract that he believes to have healing properties discovered by Native Americans....at this point I'm game to follow him down any road. His body doesn't have high enough white blood cell counts to allow any more chemo at this time so it's a game of wait and see right now.

Thanks for your support, it seems odd really to use a discussion forum for me, but any port in a storm and it feels good to know I'm not burdening my family more with my fears, hopefully getting support from other sources will allow me to go home and be more supportive to them.

I truly appreciate it.

brainman · Posted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 12:11 pm Post subject: Re: I'm headed home today

[quote="Worcester"]Despite my father reassuring me that he doesn't need to see me right now (and my mother and sister telling me the opposite) I'm going to make the 350 mi. drive today to spend some time with him. I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't go right now.

[/quote]

You are doing the right thing, Worcester. I think your father is trying to protect you by telling you that HE does not need you to come visit him. What he forgets is that YOU need to go visit him. Yes, his needs are important and if he specifically tells you not to come, maybe the decision should be to stay home. However, if he is NOT telling you NOT to come, he is just trying to make things easier on you… thinking that he is doing you a favor. But you too have needs and you need to make sure you take care of yourself. I hope you have a good trip.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2405My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2528
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 3: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

lifestooshort · Regular Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 19

Hi Worcester,

I hope you are getting on as well as can be expected and you were able to get back in time for Xmas.

Yes, it is almost impossible to get the balance correct between optimism and realism and I guess it just kinda depends on what sort of day your Dad is having. Just hang on in there and make him feel optimistic. A person's mental state often does have an effect on their physical state.

My Xmas was ok. It's not fair to say it was crap as people tried really hard to make it go by smoothly. But it was pretty tough seeing other families being able to share the occasion together and I felt incredibly lonely. I still do feel very isolated even though my partner tries hard to be there for me. But I do feel though that sometimes he wishes I could just pull myself together and be like I was before. I wouldn't be surprised if we break up over this - I guess it takes a crisis to show how good people really are together.

Anyway, just off tonight for another happy occasion and more happy people - my gran's birthday today. Sometimes I think the hardest thing is seeing people who think my mum is a taboo subject and try hard to talk about anything but.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of the season. But roll on the New Year I say.

Nomoremum · New User Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 8 Location: Australia

Hi everyone. I just lost my mother 3 weeks ago from lung cancer. SHe was 61 years old. Like most of you I think I was in denial through the sickness it was heartwrenching watching her get sicker and sicker and because she had been in hospital and out a few times I just assumed that would keep happening forever. In thinking this I never did get that 'last' conversation that you think you will have. I got the phone call while I was at work that she was back in hospital so went over (it was next door to my work) and was shocked. She was totally out of it unable to talk or do anything. She died 11 hours later. IT was horrific.
I feel the same as lifestooshort. I am jealous of everyone with a mother and had no idea how many times a day people refer to their Mothers! It seems so unfair, my boyfriend is understanding but has no clue. My sister is clinically depressed also and we found out that Dad has bowel cancer last Monday. So now we have to go through all this again. I didn't cry for 2 weeks after Mum died just felt numb. Now it's really starting to sink in. I can feel sorry for myself all day but there's really no point. I'm glad she's out of pain but I would rather she was alive and healthy! She will never see me have kids or see what becomes of me. I am 25 and it just seems way too young to lose a parent. Especially your one and only mother. I feel for everyone out there who has experienced similar. I'll just keep my chin up and roll with the punches.

lifestooshort · Regular Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 19

Hi Nomoremum,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and I pray that your dad gets through this. It must be so tough for you. I know that after losing my mother, I'm not sure I could cope with going through it all again. But you must be strong and I'm sure you will be.

It's been just over 4 months now and whilst I seem to be getting through the days, I still can't believe my mum had gone. Yes you are right - how often do people talk about their mums? I've been trying so hard to not look like it matters as I don't want people to feel awkward about talking about their mum in front of me but inside I really don't care about their story. I also get incredibly annoyed about my boyf as he is quite protective about his mother and I feel like saying awful things to him like, what you going to do when she's gone? I know this is an awful thing to think so please forgive me - I'm not a bad person.

I guess I just want people to know what it's like in this situation. That's why this site is great - we can all get together and we all seem to feel the same way. It's really reassuring. Because in real life I don't know anyone who's lost their mum like me. Even my dad's mum is still alive. I thought my mum would live forever. She seemed so healthy. It just shows you what a horrible horrible disease cancer is.

I think I'll be haunted forever of my mum's last few months. Nobody should ever see a parent like that. And I just wasn't ready for going through the chapel or rest thing or the whole stand up at the funeral and give a speech. But maybe it's made me a lot more mature now. I just wish I'd grown up when my mum was still around. We would've had such fun and I see now how I took her for granted.

It's a good philosophy to have - "chin up and roll with the punches". I guess this is what life is all about. You just have to carry on. But I really feel for you, with your dad and sister.

Take care, and feel free to Private message me anytime.

x

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