Cancer Forums - Coping and Support

j_white83 · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Melbourne

"I need you to help me too"

as i was reading your post RJM, i felt like i knew you! I feel as if we are the same person. First i wanna say thank you for posting on my thread and yes it did indeed work!!!

My heart and my head are so full of things. Some of them I can't even put into words to express!!! You probably understand exactly where I am and what I'm talking about better than myself!!!

When my mum passed she was just getting out there and really enjoying life. She had raised me and my 2 sisters, was spending so much good time with my dad and getting to know my older sisters kids. I had just gotten married the yr before and my lil sister had just turned 21. Life was really good for her!!! Well, until she caught pneumonia.

Thats until they had to put her onlife support cause she couldn't breathe. Everything went downhill quick from there. After they found out it was cancer, they told us if they were to take her off life support, they could only see her surviving 8 hrs!!! Well she proved em wrong and lasted 9 months and 3 days!

I do work, I am a full time manager of a retail outlet, so I do have times when I have a break from thinking about her, it's not often but it is a well needed break.

Mum really wanted me to go to uni, but I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. Now I am about to apply to do nursing so I will be able to help people through this stuff. I think thats what mum would want me to do. It's funny cause today, right now, I can see clearly what I should do, but later on tonight when I get home from work, I will be a mess. It happens nearly every night!!!

My husband and I are drifting apart. I also believe it is because of the pressure I put on him for support. He doesn't know how I feel because I don't want to hurt him!!!

I have to go to work now but I will write more when I get home!!!
Sorry!!!

RJM · New User Joined: 11 Nov 2006 Posts: 2 Location: Australia

I have thought about studying nursing too, and I know what you mean about things being clearer at times. I spent a lot of time in hospitals as I am sure you did, but now I have a lot of trouble spending any length of time in them so I am looking at what is required to become a paramedic. Our Mum's would be proud of us wanting to try and help other people, we have to believe that they are watching over us and I often chat to Mum about things, it is just that now I have to listen to myself about what she would say.

I admire that you are able to work, I am too afraid of being caught in a situation that is going to upset me, hence the reason I don't work. I find the nighttime the hardest time of day, probably when I would ususally be on the phone to her, don't laugh but we used to watch TV together whilst on the phone! I grew up 300km north of Melbourne where my parents grew up and everytime I go home I just expect her to be there and walk through the door to give me a hug and kiss.

It is great your Mum was able to become a Grandmother, I know I will find things too overwhelming and cannot even bear the thought of having a family without my Mum there. I hate the fact my life has not turned out the way I had planned and the one thing I was looking forward to for my Mum was her becoming a Grandmother. It must be so nice to have sisters, my Mum is one of 4 children and has 2 sisters who she's very close to. I hate tallking about my Mum in past tense as she still has her sisters and is STILL my Mum!

We did not have the option of life support as Mum made it clear to us that she did not want to go on a 'breathing tube' as she called it. My Mum passed away at home and I always feel her in the house when I am at home. There are images etched into my mind of my Mum that no Daughter, Husband, Son, Mother, Sister or Brother should ever have to see and I feel physically ill when I think of the suffering and the pain Mum endured. Sadly, my Mum's father passed away a month after Mum was diagnosed and 2 months before her passing, I will never forget watching my Mum have to watch her father pass away, it was heart wrenching and literally unimagineable. I do not know how my Grandmother can even get out of bed some days after having lost her husband and daughter in the space of 2 months but somehow she soldiers on and like my Mum, she is just the most amazing person and such an inspiration to my family. Obviously I have discovered life is far from fair and I would have given anything to trade places with my Mum. I am no longer afraid of dying.

Hope you had a good day at work, I guess it would make the time go faster.

j_white83 · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Melbourne

Me again. I'm home from work, and surprise surprise I can't sleep!!! So I will continue on from my post earlier!

My husband and I are drifting apart. It is no-ones fault I guess. It's just that he hasn't experienced the same pain as I have and he isn't one to really show emotion. That annoys me. He never seems to be upset and when he sees me crying I say to him, how can you not be upset over what has happened??? He says he is but doesn't know how to show it. I dunno, maybe I just need time.

So Christmas is just around the corner, and I wish it would just go away. I don't want christmas this year. I don't want it ever again. I think I have said it before but i'll say it again, Christmas has always been a big deal for my family. We do the whole decorating the house and front garden with lights and displays, take family car trips to look at other peoples houses that are done up, go to the carols together, go see fireworks and have the BIG BIG Christmas Lunch. You know, the one where you don't eat for days before and days after. My older sister, who lives 2 hrs away comes down for all of these things with her kids and we have always done these as a family.

This year, I don't wanna do any of these. I just wanna be a recluse and be alone. I wanna shut the curtains, turn off all the lights and stay in bed until the day is gone!!!

We talk about strength. It has been our loved ones who have had strength. The strength to fight and to love us. I feel so weak and fragile. There is no strength in my body, none at all!!! I am weak!!! I wish I could have only a slight part of the strength my mum had. She dealt with this thing invading her body and taking more of her away each and every day. It hurts me so much to write this, I'm crying. Just writing these words about her make me realise how much she hung on for me and my family.

As for people saying "time will ease the pain". This is a load of crock. The pain will never be eased, I feel that I will just learn to deal with it. The pain of losing not only my mum, but my best friend and my confidante will never go away!!! Please don't tell me it will, I will never believe you. You will be wasting your breath and my time by saying that!

RJM- the reason I work is because 3 months before my mum died I bought a house. Not only was it a financial debt but an emotional one. I moved from being 10 minutes away from my mum to being 45minutes to an hour away. That meant I could not see her as often as I would have liked! I would sometimes tell her I would come down to see her but by the time I was ready to go see her, it would be too late. I let her down in this way so often now that I think about it!

So I bought a house, I wish I didn't have to work but I know I have to. Mum was so happy when I bought a house. I was the first person in my family to ever own a house. She was so excited!!! She cried when she came over to look at it. There was only 2 times where she saw my house and that was one of them. She was so happy!!!

Whenever she was in hospital, I would try to take time off work to spend with her, only to have her say to me, "Go to work Jo, Don't revolve your life around me. I'll be ok!" But she wasn't ok was she???

My older sister is lucky. My mum was at her first wedding, mum met all her kids and spent time with them all. I am blessed that mum was at my wedding. She will never have the chance to meet my children if I have any and they will miss out on knowing the bravest, most loving woman ever. My poor little sister. She will never have mum at her wedding and mum will never meet her husband or her future children. She is the one who is missing out on everything.

My mum was one of 13 brothers and sisters. Since mum died, only 2 have kept in regular contact. One of them is her older brother who also has cancer. He was mum's rock during her battle. They would talk every night on the phone and just be there for each other. The doctors are now giving him only a few months as well. I believe he just wants to be with my mum again. One of mum's younger brothers is the other one who keeps in contact. He sees my dad twice a week and visits mum all the time at the cemetery. He misses her too. I wonder all the time if her other brothers and sisters miss her.

Mum passed away at home, in bed next to my dad. Dad says one minute she seemed ok but the next she just went cold. He put more blankets on her to warm her up and he rubbed her arms but nothing happened. Then he realised she wasnt breathing. She was gone. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful and so free of pain.

Since that moment, time for me has been strange. When I am at work, time goes at normal speed, when i'm at home, I could swear it plays in slow motion. I agree with RJM- night time is the hardest. Especially when i'm lying in bed, trying to sleep and then I think of her. It is an immediate thing to start crying. The tears just come, they come and come and come. I can't stop them.

Talking on here has been great for me. I found this site by accident and you know what, it has been great for me. I wrote my first post fro advice on how to cope and some support. Please understand that I also wanna support others. If you read this and feel I have helped you, please let me know. If you think I should shut up, tell me. If you have done something that has helped you, I wanna know about it so I can try it too!!!

Thanks for listening and letting me ramble!!!

Joanne

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

You're a lot stronger than you think you are. Your mom is in heaven, and she can hear everything you want to say to her. Although she's not physically present, her spirit is around you and your family. She's everywhere she wants to be. She is forever free from pain and suffering.

Put yourself in her shoes, if you were the one that had gone and you saw your mom painfully crying, wouldn't this sadden you? Though it's natural to be in so much pain, but for their sake, we have to find some strength to cope. When you find yourself falling into pieces, take a deep breath and exhale. If you need to cry, cry...but find that moment when you can stop, breathe and carry on. I know it's not easy, but there's nothing I can say that would take away or ease your pain. It's just something we have to do on our own. Lets be strong for our mom's sake, huh?

Take good care of yourself...we tend to neglect ourselves during our grieving.

HH · New User Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 6

Hi I lost my Mom Less than 2 weeks ago. She struggled with colon cancer that had spread to her liver and her lungs. She was my best friend we were always togeather my son was very close to her as well he had a bed room at her place ect. today was his 9th birthday the saddest thing i have ever seen was mom looking at her 2 grandkids knowing she would not see them grow. She left him a card that i don't have the heart to give him. Mom was home until her last few hours thank god when her body failed it was quick, but just over 2 weeks ago we were having tea now i will never hear her laugh again. It was hard to watch her slowly fade away part of my heart will always be missing. We can all make it through this i don't think it will ever stop hurting but with time may-be it gets easier . It is very hard to think of Christmas. My mom believed
that she did not die from cancer she lived with it as long as she could.
Because of our moms struggles and thier love for us we owe it to them to live , love , laugh and dance just like they are with us. Take care you are not alone in your pain

byermoor2 · Posted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 11:33 am Post subject: Re: Mum

[quote="j_white83"]Hi there,

My name is Joanne and I am 23 years old. My mother passed away in March this year of Lung Cancer which also spread to her groin and her shoulder. She was diagnosed only 9 months before she passed away.

I am having a really difficult time dealing with this and was hoping someone, anyone on here could maybe give me some advice or something, anything that could help.

Thanks!

Joanne[/quote]hi joanne ,how do we cope ,i lost my dad 5 weeks ago and my mother 4 days ago,it hasnt sunk in yet,i am waiting for the bomb to drop.how do we go on
regards
jill

j_white83 · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Melbourne

I thought for the last couple of weeks, i had started dealing with all this. Then yesterday I realised, I am drinking to avoid the pain. Drinking to forget. Don't judge me, it's the only way I can think of to deal with all this!

It's 4 am and I am sitting here drinking alone, yet again, and all of a sudden I start crying. I can't get her out of my head!!! I can almost hear her telling me how disappointed she is in me.

My life has gone to crap and I can't do this alone anymore. I feel that I need to move away from everyone and everything, including my husband. It's not that I don't love him, but more I don't want to hurt him or anyone with what I am doing to myself. I know its stupid but for a while, it makes the pain disappear.

I wish it was me who had gotten the cancer instead of mum. She deserves to be here a lot more than I do. I'm screwing up at every corner and she always seemed to know what to say to me. Why can't I hear her advice??? Why is it I only hear her lecturing me???

Sorry!!!

lifestooshort · Regular Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 19

Hi,

I was just reading what you wrote and it just sounded so familiar. My mum passed away 6 weeks ago and it's tearing me apart. I miss her so much.

I'm filled with regrets about what I should've told her. We were close but I wish I'd confided in her more. Told her how much she really meant to me. I'm devastated to think that she died without knowing how much I love her.

People say that time will help, but at the moment there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. My dad is moving on with his life by seeing other women, but he can't bring himself to go through mum's stuff so I'm having to do this. My brother lives abroad and seems to have gone AWOL.

Like you, I'm so very pissed off that my mum died. Why my mum? I would do anything to have her back, to be able to hug her and talk to her. I miss everything about her and wish I'd made more of an effort.

I also, feel that no one knows what I'm going through, although from reading some of these posts, I know that's untrue.

Just keep venting all your feelings out. I actually started a diary to my mum, writing to her as if she is still alive. This kinda helps a little.

byermoor2 · Posted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 10:19 am Post subject: Re: Mum

hi joanne
its jill from england,i have just been down to my mam and dads grave today ,it was very hard,i took my dad a snowman that lights up as he liked silly things like that.l seem to be in a world of my own.if i stop and think of mam and dad i break down,so i have to keep busy.Ithought my husband and i were drifting apart but it was me not letting him in. Now he helps me through the bad times ,and i think we are stronger.I was the type that sorted all the problems out and was at my mam and dads house all hours of the day and night,i still think i am the tough one but it is doing me no good keeping it bottled up inside. It has only been a few weeks since i lost both of them so i think it has'nt hit me yet. I wish christmas was over. talk to you soon
regards
jill

Nomoremum · New User Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 8 Location: Australia

Hello I lost my Mum 3 weeks ago. I have no idea how I am going to cope. All I feel is emptiness and I am spinning out about how people can go on with ordinary things. Don't they realise that the whole universe isnt the same anymore? I like to believe she's watching over me but that's really not very comforting because now I feel like I would be letting her down (like now how I'm putting this message up while I'm supposed to be working sorry mum!) She would be so dissapointed! haha Its just so hard one phone call or anything and nobody can bring that back. Not fair. I rang Dad the other day and Mum's voice is still on the answering machine. I rang 6 times so I could hear her voice. How do this ever end?

j_white83 · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Melbourne

Hi.

Its been a while since my last post yet after reading my last one it feels like yesterday i was writing it. Nothing is really different. I miss my mum so much. I have stopped drinking so much. Thats a positive i guess.

Nothing is going right these days. I hate my life and myself. Im hoping this is all natural. If not, i guess im just seriously messed up!

Its almost one year without mum. AND EVERYDAY IS GETTING HARDER!!!

Zress · Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 9:38 am Post subject: Re: Mum

I had no idea there was a place where people might understand... i mean i lost my momma 8 days ago... even thinking about her not being in the next room makes my mind want to stop...

nomoremum... i found a recording of my mom on my voice mail sayin " hey baby good mrning i love you" i recorded it on to my computer so that i can play it when i wake up... it makes me smile and cry... i seem to do that alot when i think about my momma. i have not one bad memory of her this saint of a woman... but i think i have it undercontrol and then some one will say something about there mom that day... and i have to face the fact that i don't have a momma anymore... and i cry.
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