It's a long hard road this recovering thing

cariad · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2006 Posts: 11 Location: new york

I'm not sure there is anything that truly helps but time - or so I'm told, but even that can't supress the overwhelming sense of loss on occasion.

People deal with things in different ways, try everything, if one doesn't work try something else. It's been 7 weeks since my mom died, and here I am, reading about the sorrow of others, hoping someone can give me some miracle cure.

I started with her photos, they made me smile at first, each photos reminded me of an instance in her life - now I cry because she's not here to experiance it again.

Talking is always good, but eventually people stop asking how you feel becaues they really don't want to spend the next 15 minutes hearing about how crappy my day was, how much I miss my mom. I suppose that's where a proffesional comes in handy if you have the money. They have to sit and listen.

The one thing I know what not to do is second guess myself. Should I, could I, what ifs are never healthy, I know... it results in tremendous guilt, nightmares and sleepless night.

The blame game sucks to, our medical professionals are not God, there's only so much they can do... I just wish they could have done more sooner.
I actually feel guilty I never became a doctor - I have visions of myself being the second coming of Christ and curing the world. Yeah I know, maybe I should grab a glass of whiskey each night , the hangover in the morning might be worth a good nights sleep.

I know I'm not alone, however badly I feel, there is always someone going through something worse, it's the harsh reality of death.

I find comfort in the thought that my mom is looking down on me tutting and nodding her head, wondering what all the fuss is about and wanting to slap me upside the head for being such an emotional wreck.

I'm focusing on my children, calling my dad every day, trying to help others, some I know have it worse than I. When I'm busy I have less time to think about how badly I miss her. It's not a fail safe remedy, quiet moments bring unexpected tears, but as the weeks trundle on it's not as bad... not great, but not as bad

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

My sincere sympathies to you for the loss of your mom. This is really a beautiful post. Reading it made me smile...thank you. The part when you said, your mom's looking down at you, wondering what's all the fuss, her wanting to smack you for being an emotional wreck, made me laugh because I can relate to that. I can see my mom reacting that way also and that's what gets me through my days. The thought of my mom....what she would want me to do....and I think she would want me to go on living a normal life. It's not easy, but I am willing to do it for her.

Thanks again for sharing this.

cariad · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2006 Posts: 11 Location: new york

Thank you for reading, I'm happy I made you smile.

MY downfall I think was the fact I was so strong for my brother and dad when I was home in Wales, I didn't cry, didn't grieve, didn't do much of anything really but help everyone else deal.

A month after flying back to the States is when it hit hard, the realization she'd never visit me again, never see my boys grow up, and when I dial that phone number I'd never hear her familiar voice saying "oh hiya love, how are you and the kids?"

My outlet is my journal, where I've documented the events http://cariadsrealm.net/journal/my-mom . Reading it assures me there's nothing I could have done differently, my mom was content to have me home.

Living so far away from my parents was the hardest part, but I'm so glad I went, I think she new she didn't have long, she knew the right time to ask me to come home, she started to go down hill the minute I walked throught that door. It's as if she thought "Lynne is home now, Lynne will take care of things, it's ok to go now, my family is here"

Financially, it was draining, but my parents gave me everything, it was the least I could do for them.

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