dealing with the loss

vintage · Regular Joined: 12 Jun 2006 Posts: 35 Location: Minnesota

Hi Kris~ Just want to let you know i'm thinking of you and praying for you.
Please take care.....
Kevan

Kris · Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 3:40 am Post subject: Morphine

Dear Jen and Kevan,

Thanks for your support and friendship! You can't believe how important you are for me in these hard days...

Well, I'm desperately trying to manage to fly back to Hungary each week-end to visit Mum at the hospital. This is a difficult and tiring task, first of all because I have to leave the kids here in Geneva with my husband (they are all coping bravely and lovingly with the situation), secondly beacuse I'm flying on Friday evenings after 9 hours of work, and come back on early Monday mornings directly to the office - I'm always sleepy and exhausted, but I'm still quite OK with this tough schedule.

Mum's on morphine (her doctors just call it briefly "M.O.") 4 times a day, and she's resisting heavily to the calming effect of this drug - actually, she wants to stay awake so hard, she resists and does not sleep during the day! I think she started to understand that she's approaching the end of the journey and she must be so scared that she does not want to fall asleep, she does not want to let the M.O. take her into somnolence...it's incredible...she's so strong, it's the instinct for life, don't you think so??

Otherwise, she's completely relying on nurses' care, she can't move at all, speaks very difficultly, memory is disturbed and appetite is also reducing.

She's on M.O. for 11 days now...I thought she would not resist so long.

At the beginning of our postings regarding "dealing with the loss", I thought that the most difficult will be to deal with losing her in the moment when she passes away - actually, it is not: the most difficult is to deal with seeing her ongoing suffer...

Thank you for being there to strengthen me.
Kris

Kris · Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 2:33 pm Post subject: Re: dealing with the loss

Hi Jen and Kevan

I heard bad news again this morning: my family called from Hungary and said that Mum had heavy pain early this morning, she was really shouting for help to ease her headache. They increased her morphine concentration, and also frequency to 5 times a day.
She's skinny, bones only, sleeps more and more during the day, can't distinguish between a.m. or p.m., but she's still fighting and wants to resist...
I've been cyring so hard the last few hours ... I could not ease myself in any other way than coming on the forum and writing to you.
I guess I have my gastric ulcer back due to my constant worries and pain and tears for Mum. I think I have to take a flight again as soon as possible ... my kids want to come with me to see granny, but this is not for the kids to see... it's very hard for me now to explain things to them carefully taking care of not hurting them or causing them even more pain. They already cry too much for their grandma and they can't believe they would never see her again.

This monster is a bastard: the good times (just after diagnosis) when mum could still write, watch TV, walk and perfectly communicate with us just flew away so quickly ...and now, this lifeless part, when she's immobile in a hospital bed, the monster slowed time down. You know what I mean...?

Hope you are doing well. Thanks for listening.
Kris

vintage · Regular Joined: 12 Jun 2006 Posts: 35 Location: Minnesota

Hi Kris~ I Am so sorry things are getting so bad. I hope the docs are really medicating for pain right now. At this point all that matters is keeping her pain free.

You're right about your kids not seeing her. I did the same with my girls when my Dad got so bad. It is so awful you don't want them to have those memories.

Go ahead and cry.....I don't know what else to say to you except take care and let us know how your are......
I will be praying for you!!
Kevan

brainman · Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 9:16 pm Post subject: Re: dealing with the loss

Kris, I am so sorry to read that your mother is not doing well. I do hope you get to go be with her. The more morphine she gets, the less pain she will feel. However, at the same time the her pain decreases, she will be less and less alert.

I will be praying and thinking of you and your mother.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

jackiekeefe · Regular Joined: 26 Oct 2006 Posts: 17

Arriving upon this website has been like a life savor, My father had his first seizure on September 15, 2006 followed my three more within 20 minutes.
Come to find out he has 4th stage cancer with a unknown primary, all they knew at that point was he had cancer in his bile duct, liver and brain.

He just had brain surgery last week which orginally was a tumor on his brain that had metasized from the torso area, but upon surgery they realized the tumor in his brain is also a primary site, so now he has two types of cancer. One is adenocarcinoma, and the other one is Glioblastoma (mulitfocal tumor). How does someone get two types of cancer? And the tumor in his brain is aggresive. Any info anyone can provide would be helpful.

bc · Experienced user Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 54

Hello-

Kris - how is your mom doing? and how is your family.
I think I know what you mean, by not wanting this to be too long and drawn out process. Just makes it easier on everyone.

My dad was diagnosed almost a year ago, had surgery, radiation and temodar. He had a follow up cyberknife process as well.

Having two cancers.. that is really hard. The standard treatment for Primary brain cancer is radiation/temodar... Not much to offer. Although you might want to look into Avastin. Other than that, it will be difficult. so sorry for your father's dilemma.

We had hospice visit my dad recently. A few days ago he was doing just fine, very active, than missed most of the day not taking any steroids - reason is that he was in the ER for some treatment.

He has made some significant changes in his health in a matter of days. But he is back taking the steroids. The most noticeable changes is his right arm is not working too well, and his walking is not normal, most definitely slowed up.

Amazing how quick these changes can occur... He has a tumor that has grown and they have stopped with Chemo.

I think we are thinking maybe 3-6 weeks. He is not bedridden and is eating well.

Any ideas on what to expect next and how quickly this can all happen.

Bc

jackiekeefe · Regular Joined: 26 Oct 2006 Posts: 17

Thank you very much for the reply. I am scard by all the news i have heard on this type of Brain Cancer it seems to be the most aggressive, how do you ever cope when they say incurable. My father is about to start radiation next week and i do not know what to expect. From all the messages i have reviewed within the past week it seems as though this cancer grows quicker than the treament can keep up with, i am also scard to ask how long my father might have, i cannot bring myself to ask, i feel bad even thinking that way.

Thanks Again,
Jackie

Kris · Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:18 am Post subject: Re: dealing with the loss

Dear bc, Jen, Kevan, Michele, brainman

Your words are healing at this final stage of the battle: this is the hardest time ever since diagnosis. As you know, it's for 3.5 months that Mum struggles with her inoperable monster.

She's on morphine 6 times a day, plus on intramuscular sedatives. She's sleeping most of the day, but wakes up suddenly every hour for a few seconds or minutes, if she woke up of a nightmare, having visions and talking very confused about things we don't understand...it must be a morphine effect.
I can't believe that she still did not slip into a coma-state. Most people told about days, or max. 1-2 weeks on morphine before getting into coma. Mum is on morphine for 3 weeks now. Seeing her weak, tiny, immobile body and painful face even when sleeping, I just ask when will it end?

Thanks for your prayers. I'm also praying for you all, especially for Jim/brainman. How are you doing?
Kris

brainman · Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 11:48 pm Post subject: Re: dealing with the loss

Hi Kris,

I am doing fine... still sleeping a lot more than I think I should be. But I do not keep “normal” hours anyhow. But that is the topic of another thread LOL.

My mother was on morphine for several weeks too. I don’t think there is set rule on how long a person can stay on the morphine. The problem with morphine is that it slows down respiration as well as easing the pain. That is how my mother ultimately died. The cancer was the first cause, but respiratory arrest was the final cause. All I can say is that it is a very peaceful way to die. It is not easy on us who are sitting and watching each breath wondering whether or not this will be the last breath. But from my mother’s point of view, it was very peaceful. My father also had a peaceful death. He was not on morphine and had more pain. Sometimes, he was down right ugly in how he treated us during those last days… nothing like himself when not sick. But he too drifted off to sleep that last day. I have worked with and around dying people for many years, so I know the signs. I knew when both of my parents where about to die and am glad I could hold there hands and say “goodbye” to each of them. My dad was with me when my mother died. I was by myself when my father died. It was harder to be by myself.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

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