mom is close to dying -- advice?

apasciuto · Regular Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 12

hi,

i'm new here...my mom is close to dying -- she's only 60 and has been fighting ovarian cancer for about 4 years...the cancer has spread to her intestines & stomach, and she just stopped being able to eat or keep any food down a few weeks ago...how long can the body go without nutrition?!! she's got to be under 100 pounds now.

i'm in california and she's in virginia...i'm headed out to be with her tomorrow...as this is my first experience with this, i'm not sure what to expect, what to do, say, how to act!

i know "logically" what's happening, understand the process, and that death will actually be a welcome thing for my mom...she's suffered for too long and wants it all to be over...but how can i remain strong to help her in these last days?

i also want to be strong to help my dad who's been helping her for these past few years...he's doing so much that i'm afraid he's going to forget about taking care of himself!

also -- is there any way to guess how much longer she has? she's already on an opiate for pain, is hallucinating, can't get any nutrition (she's only getting saline & pain meds in the hospital), and really can't do anything...she sleeps most of the day, which i guess is good as it means she's comfortable (or i hope so!).

just any words of advice would be welcome...sorry for all of the rambling...it's nice to know there are others out there that understand (it's just too bad that we're all sharing such a crazy experience).

thanks

mousa

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. I think that you can expect to find your Mum being very accepting of what is happening to her. And your Dad too. What to do: Hug them and make sure your Dad gets some good meals. What to say: Tell them how much you love them, what they mean to you. Thank them for making you who you are. Talk about happy times in the past. Even when your Mum is sedated and asleep, talk to her. How to act: calmly. Tears will come but your Mum and Dad will understand.

May God bless and strengthen you all.

Love,

Val

apasciuto · Regular Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 12

thanks for the reply, val Smile

today my mom tried to "break out" of her hospital room & unhook herself from all the tubes! then when finally convinced her to stop pulling the tubes out, she just broke down & cried that she wanted to go home...i feel so bad for her!!

it's so hard to see her on these pain meds -- only rarely does the "real mom" come through...the rest of the time she's pretty out of it, saying things you can't understand, or hallucinating...poor mom.

all i can hope is that she's comfortable most of the time, and that the family being around makes her a bit happier.

mousa

Is it possible to take your Mum home and get hospice care to come in?

Know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers.

LOve,

Val

Lana8

Apaciuto,
I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I just went through this with my twin sister last year, but she was at home on hospice. She had lung cancer and chose no treatment because it was throughout her body. Just hang in there. Just being there for your mom and dad is all they want. God be with your family. Keep in touch. My prayers are with you and your family. Lana

apasciuto · Regular Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 12

thanks everyone for the replies Smile

my mom is still in the hospital because they're trying to get her pain meds worked out to a good level...also, she's running a fever and her pneumonia might be back, so they won't release her until that's cleared up...but once she's stable, we can bring her home & have hospice help.

today was pretty bad -- my mom was disconnecting her tubes again and even tried to pull out her port in her chest! yikes! they had to sedate her...then she threw up during the afternoon...both my dad & i think this is the worst she's been yet...poor mom...i just want her to be comfortable!

i am worried about once we get her home -- what if she gets up in the middle of the night and tries to walk down the stairs? or starts to throw up & chokes before we realize it? i just question if we're capable of giving her the care she needs here...

again -- thanks for replying -- it REALLY helps & means a lot.
hugs to you all Smile

Lana8

Apasciuto,
When I got to Texas to be with my sister, I had decided before getting there that I would be up nights with her. She had a tendency to get up alot during the night or just sit up. It was hard for her to breath lying down. I was only able to spend one week with her before her passing. I did sit up nights, and rest during the day while other family members were with her. God has a way of helping us through. God be with you and know that we all have you in our thoughts and prayers. Lana

apasciuto · Regular Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 12

hello everyone,

just a quick note to say that my mom died at 1.10am this morning...it's very sad, but we knew it was coming...and it's really what's best -- she was so uncomfortable and unhappy, so now she can finally be at peace.

i'm exhausted, so i'll keep this short...but thank you again to everyone for supporting me through this!

hugs to you all Smile

Lana8

Please know that we are all thinking of you and your family and the you are in our prayers. May she rest in peace.

bethanyaok

So sorry to hear of your mom's passing, and the loss you must be feeling. Often we hear of people's death where they were pain free and at peace, but this is not always the case. My dad's death was not peaceful, and it sounds like your mom was fiercely trying to "get out" of her discomfort when she would tear out her IVs and try to escape. But you're right, she is at peace now and no longer needing to fight. It so very, very hard for the dying, and the people they leave behind. Get some rest, and take good care of yourself. Again, my deepest condolences on your loss.

Bethany
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Bethany
breast cancer dx 4/17/00
4 AC, 28 rads, tamoxifen
7 years NED, and counting!
BRCA2+ 2/1/07

Lost Dad to Lung Cancer June '05

apasciuto · Regular Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 12

thanks to everyone for the kind words.

and you're right -- weeks and even months before my mom was hospitalized for this final time, she would say things like, "this is no way to live"...and her trying to escape from the confines of the hospital to return "home" was clearly a sign of her determination to be free of all this pain, and of her feisty nature which we all loved her for Wink

well, i need to take a deep breath and try to sleep -- it's been a few days since i've done that!

thanks again.

shovel · New User Joined: 24 Aug 2006 Posts: 3

"today my mom tried to "break out" of her hospital room & unhook herself from all the tubes! then when finally convinced her to stop pulling the tubes out, she just broke down & cried that she wanted to go home...i feel so bad for her!!

it's so hard to see her on these pain meds -- only rarely does the "real mom" come through...the rest of the time she's pretty out of it, saying things you can't understand, or hallucinating...poor mom."

My mom passed away on Sep 8th, after we'd been taking care of her (with hospice) for a month. In her "normal" state (with no terminal diagnosis) she was, in theory, at peace with the whole thing and focusing on life insurance, the will, etc.

In the first part of the terminal time, she refused to talk about it even in her lucid state, and would choose to address things on her own time. After we lost most of "normal mom" halfway through, she did the same things (trying to cut her bandages, insisting on going to the toilet by herself, threatening to pull out her catheder, and other mischief). The only way we could cope was through laughter. Watching your mom turn into a kid is heartbreaking.

She was really only "at peace" about a day and a half before leaving us, and even then we could only tell by her calm breathing. So yeah, I think fighting it to the end is more common than people have you believe.

lestard · Regular Joined: 06 Nov 2006 Posts: 11

Don't stay alone and don't let her alone, in the darkest times you need your loved one next to you.

Les
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