My mum is dying

Louby · Regular Joined: 09 Apr 2006 Posts: 11

My mum was diagnosed with cancer 2 1/2 yrs ago, she was given 4 months to live. She had colon cancer which had already spread to her liver and has undergone an op to remove part of her colon and had loads of chemo. She has now been refused treatment as she is not strong enough.
My mum is only 52 and also has a son aged 14. She has fought so hard against this cruel disease but is now so weak and thin and her legs and stomach have filled with fluid. She has yellow eyes and its breaking my heart to see her like this. Her liver is failing and I just cant seem to believe that she is dying. Its like a really bad dream. I feel so guilty as I am normally such an emotional person but I cant seem to come to terms with this, I just dont believe it. Is this normal? My mum is my world and when I found out she had cancer I just crumbled but since then I have been unbelievably strong. I think of nothing but my mum but Im carrying on like nothings wrong, my friends cant believe how I am coping. Of course I cry and I feel very stressed but its not me to behave or cope like this.

mousa · Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 1:38 am Post subject: Re: My mum is dying

Dear Louby,

Do not feel guilty - your reaction is normal. When we are faced with a bad situation, mechanisms kick in to protect us and we find a strength we didn't know we had.
When my husband was ill I was exactly like you - my friends couldn't believe how well and cheerful I was!
I thank God that you have been given the strength to cope and support your Mum and your little brother. And tears are very normal and very cleansing.
Remember to tell your Mum how much you love her and admire her and how grateful you are to have such a wonderful mother.
My prayers are with you all.
Love,
Val

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi Louby,

Your mom is so young..cancer is truly unfair! I was in your position not too long ago. My mom was diagnosed with cancer in the pancreas, gallbladder and liver in September 2005, then she passed away in October 2005. I wished that it was all just a terrible nightmare that I can wake up from, but now I live the reality of my mom being gone forever. Although I know she's in heaven, I wish she was still with us.

What you're feeling is denial. Your mom's illness is too horrible that you choose not to accept it which is absolutely normal and I'm sure a lot of people handle this type of situation the same way...I know I did! For that month that my mom was in the hospital, I went in her room with the strength and courage that I didn't have the night before. I would cry at home and be another person while caring for my mom. I guess it's our inner strength.

Your mom needs you to be brave and strong right now for her and for yourself. Talk to her..let her know that God will take care of her and tell her not to worry about you because you'll always love her and she'll always be with you in your heart. Spend the remaining time cherishing her. I know that you're going through such an awful time right now and I can't say it's going to get better, but just try your best to survive it.

Stay strong....

Louby · Regular Joined: 09 Apr 2006 Posts: 11

Thank you for replying. Its a comfort to hear that the way I feel is quite normal. I seem to be getting more emotional and sometimes moody as I think I am begining to accept she is going to die. Its so awful and unfair and it breaks my heart to see her like she is. She is such an inspiration, she has never moaned and is so upbeat and cheerful. I admire her so much.
Thanks again for your support, Louby

bmc · New User Joined: 23 Aug 2006 Posts: 2

Hey Louby,

I can empathise. 6 weeks ago my mother was fighting fit and a sprightly 58 year old. Now she's been told she has between 3 and 6 months to live.

She means the world to me...both my parents do. It's hard enough trying to get my head around it but when I see how much my Dad is hurting too, it twists the knife. I'm actually at work now and my eyes are filled with tears as I type this. Fortunately i don't really have to talk to anyone...or at least everyone's so busy at the minute that I'm not bothered too much. No one knows.

She's confined to her bed most of the day and just seems to have lost interest in anything....although I'd 'credit' the drugs with that as well. It really is heart-breaking. I don't know how to deal with it...I put on my face for the outside world but inside I'm crying most of the time. I live half the country away so I get home at weekends and try and bring some normality to both of them and try to bring a little cheer if possible.

i don't know....I think i realise that she's going to die and though I try and tell it to myself, I sometimes wonder if that's as futile a coping mechanism as poking at a wound to see if it'll make it hurt less.

Thanks for listening....or reading.

Louby · Regular Joined: 09 Apr 2006 Posts: 11

Hi BMC,
Im so so sorry to hear obut your mum, I know exactly where you are coming from. My mum died in May and I still cant believe it. You must cry buckets now if you feel like it, I did. Ive since been told that with terrible illnesses like Cancer it is normal for people to grieve before and its so true. I have been shocked and ashamed at the way I have coped with all this as I loved my mum so much and seem to be coping much better than I ever imagined. I hear songs that take me back to a specific moment, then I cry. Then the song finnishes and Im normal again!!
I have had a lot of things happening in my life recently like other family illnesses that have channelled my thoughts so maybe without this I wouldnt have coped quite so well.
Please visit Cancer Voices (google it), its a wonderful site with a very active forum and was my lifeline. I found 'internet friends' on there who kept me going as we were all in the same awful position.
Im thinking of you, please try to stay strong for your mum and family.
Take care
Louise

bmc · New User Joined: 23 Aug 2006 Posts: 2

Some days I think I'm coming to terms with it....but maybe I just haven't grasped it fully yet. I don't really know. Other days I break down. Talking to my Dad the other night and he told me how Mam isn't really eating much and doesn't like any food (that's nothing to do with her as such....her taste for anything is skewed in such a way that it doesn't taste nice) and was just tired all the time and he just sounded so down. I sometimes feel guilty for being so concerned about him when it's Mam that has it (I don't like using the 'c' word, to be honest) but he's suffering too, just in a different way. He's watching his other half deteriorate in front of his eyes.
You always hear the stats about people that are 'touched by it....but I never expected to be one of those stats.
I've always been so close to my parents and this has cut me to the core. In desperation I went to a church to see if prayers mighht work. I even prayed that any cancer might be transferred to me....I could actually deal with that, as strange as that may sound. Anyway, I'm waffling now.

Louby · Regular Joined: 09 Apr 2006 Posts: 11

I dont think you ever come to terms with it cos its so unreal and unfair. Our bodies seem to go into cope mode and I found myself carrying on pretty much as normal although I was always doing something to occupy myself. My step father cared for my mum through out her illness but he seemed quite blaze about it all whereas I cried a lot but that must have been his way of coping as he has crumbled since mum died. I have been there for him but its difficult as I feel Ive not had time to grieve yet and I feel I want time to myself without worrying about everyone else. Its a really difficult time but you will find the strength.
Be there as much as you can for your mum. I rang her every day as usual and called round to chat to her. Its the hardest thing in the world to cope with but you will find you do cope. Like I said in my previous post the Cancer Voices forum was what helped me through this awful time.
Take care Louise.

	Cancer Forums Forum Index -> Coping and Support	All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

A website for discussions about any type of cancer, including lung cancer, breast cancer, mesothelioma, prostate cancer, laryngeal cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma and others