Denying death

honeysuckle · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 34

My sister has never accepted that she will die from her colon cancer. Sis asked several members of the family today if she is dying and they told her no. She has not asked me. I am not sure whether to tell her the truth (she has been told by her oncologist before), or go along with everyone else who tells her she won't die now. We have been told that it's inevitable. Her condition has worsened. But how do you handle someone like that that hasn't accepted that her end is near? She drifts off to sleep on pain meds, then awakens and talks about her childhood and whatever comes to mind. She talks about wanting to get out of the hospital and go home. Her oncologist told my mother today that her daughter is dying, and all they can do is give pain meds and hope she will feel comfortable.

I heard the oncologist telling my sister that she could give her enough meds to make her sleep so she'll feel no pain, and that eventually her lungs will start to collapse and other organs. That she will drift off to sleep and will feel no more pain. She told her that she is dying, and there is nothing more they can do. My sis slept through most of the talk. I understand she is dying and I have accepted that. My siblings and mother have not at this time, and most importantly, neither has my sister!

What would you do? Try to tell her again, or leave her be? Let her continue in denial until the day comes? I'm really getting more and more confused about this whole thing.

brainman · Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:27 am Post subject: Re: Denying death

Honeysuckle, it is my general belief that we all deny things to some degree. The question that you really have to ask yourself is: Is you sister's denial keeping her from doing thing she really should be doing? A lot of the times the answer is "Yes." Denial, at the very least, creates a taboo topic within the family. For example, you are afraid to even talk about the possibility of death with your sister. One thing to remind yourself of all the time is that we are all dying... it is only a matter of when and how. At best (or worst), all you can say is that their is a high probability that cancer will cause your sister's death. You can't even say when that will be with any degree of certainty. But not talking about death is probably keeping your sister from doing or saying some things that she needs to do or say. Does she have a will, living will, or durable power of attorney specifying what she wants done in the event of her death? Has she stated her wishes about a funeral? Are there any unresolved issues in her life that can realistically be resolved in the time she has left and under the conditions she is now in? Obviously, this is not the time to try to resolve long standing personal issues. But there might be some issues that can get some degree of resolution.

Actually, if she were my sister and asked me "Am I dying?", I would hug her tightly and say "I am afraid you are, Sis." I think she just needs to know that she is not alone.

My heart goes out to you at this sad time.
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honeysuckle · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 34

Brainman, I am not afraid to tell her that she's dying. My mother has forbidden me to speak to my sister and tell her the truth. She got really annoyed that I would even accept that sis is going.

I feel that my sister will ask me this question because she knows I don't beat around the bush. When she does, I will follow your way of doing it and be gentle and truthful.

According to the oncologist, sis should have died April 2006 but with chemo she is still here. This time around chemo might not do the trick, so I'm pretty sure these are her last few days/weeks.

Sis has many unresolved issues...husband has not been contacted yet (we're trying - he's somewhere in Austria).

She's waiting to see a brother and his family. He arrived today.

Problems with the past of being the black sheep in the family. Mother not treating her like a 'true' daughter. This one is hard for me to help with because mother is more like a "mommy dearest" at times, and does not listen to reason. I would like her to at least tell sis she is forgiven for everything in the past, and is deeply loved...this might remain unresolved.

I know the things that sis would want as far as the family is concerned. She lived away from everyone for about 25 years and family is important to her now. I'm doing all I can to make sure those who can't visit (overseas) at least have made telephone contact, have told her they loved her, and have forgiven her trespasses. It's sad to realize how terrible families can treat each other, but it happens.

She has no Living Will. During her remission phase she considered herself HEALED of cancer so therefore a Will or Living Will was not necessary. I could never get her to put her things in order. She would become irritated with me and say I was a real downer. I'm a realist most of the times, but to her, I was being negative i.e. she will die. I would always tell that we're all dying, but that didn't work.

I have no idea about a funeral since she never accepted death. So, unresolved issues and therefore she holds on to life...

Muttsmom · Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 10:32 am Post subject: Re: Denying death

My heart goes out to you. Not only with the advanced stage your sister is in, but trying to get things resolved for everyone before she passes.

I don't have any words that could help, but you are in my thoughts and prayers,
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honeysuckle · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 34

Thank you Muttsmom. Thoughts and prayers help quite a bit.

Things will work out. I hope sis finds the peace and acceptance she needs before leaving this world for the other one.

honeysuckle · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 34

I was witnessed the beginnings of a move to "help" my sister die on the 7th August.

I walked in around 4:45 p.m. to visit her, and saw the nurse giving medication. I am in the habit of asking what meds are being given and was told that it was Ativan (very large dose). She told me that my sister had "agreed" to this medication. I asked her how someone who is so heavily drugged up all the time on pain meds could "ask" for a different type of medication. The nurse said she was asked if she wanted it and had agreed. About 20 minutes later my sister cried out begging me to ask them to "stop" the medication. I couldn't get her to tell me which one, so I ran out to the nurses desk and informed them. The nurse came in and checked and told me that the Ativan would help her relax. What I saw for the next 25 minutes was my sister being more agitated, startling, grimacing and opening her eyes in panic. She cried out once more to stop the medicine and I told the nurse. When the oncologist came by about an hour later, I reported this. They put a "stop" on the Ativan.

Now my sister is terminal, and she has a blockage in the colon. She was admitted since the 14th July but no surgery was done because her cancer came back they said. The oncologist that evening talked to my sister who was "heavily" doped up and asked her if she wanted to have a strong dose of meds that would put her to sleep...she told her that she'd feel no pain, and eventually her lungs would collapse and other organs and then she'll die. No joke. I heard this with my own ears. How I wish that I had the video recorder with me and was recording this one-sided conversation!

I left that night with a heavy heart knowing my sister would die soon and called other family members to get in town quickly.

When my sister who lives in Europe heard what was happening, she made some calls to people she knows in higher places. A call was put through to the Diocese in Rome, Rome called the Catholic Advocate office in Washington DC, DC called the Diocese in my city, and they in turn called the hospital, and the very same institution that said [b]nothing more [/b]could be done, began to DO something.

Cat Scans were ordered, my sister received two blood transfusions, she was no longer on the "overdose" pain meds they were using, and she's being monitored. All of these things they started denying.

I shake everytime I realise that I was witnessing mercy killing attempts in action...what if I hadn't told anyone in the family? What if I wasn't there on the 7th? How many patients go "before their time" in our hospitals?

Please, please make sure you have a Living Will. Make sure you have an advocate. Make sure you always have someone in the room with your loved one. And the thing I didn't do, but will do from now on, have a legal pad with you. Write all names of nurses and doctors who tend to your loved one. Write the date and time of each med they give them. Be vigilant. Be watchful. You cannot trust these people to give the care they took an oath to do.

My sister will die from this cancer, but since she has not accepted she will die, or wants to die, I believe the doctor (oncologist) has NO right hurrying the process unless my sister requests this.

Yet Dr. Kervorkian was persecuted for what he was doing openly? Geez. We have mercy killing doctors right here at our hospitals!!

raptureready · Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 7:06 am Post subject: hi bro

I agreewith the administrator we are all dying, and nobody knows how or when except for God. 1 out of 2 men are dignosed with cancer in their life time and 1 out of 3 women will be diagnosed with it inthier life time. Is your sister close to Jesus and Father God? does she know Jesus? If she does she will not be afraid to die as she will be in Heaven if she has repented and accepted Jesus as Lord. God bless you brother for haning in their with your family. Leanne
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In · Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: Re: Denying death

Leanne,

I noticed the Post before yours was Sun Aug 12, 2007.

You may not get a reply to topic,it's not current. Alot of things could have happened in this time.

Just be awear of the posting times. (wont hurt though- someone may reply)
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