Beating myself up!

SassyCat · New User Joined: 27 Oct 2007 Posts: 6 Location: VA

I have been Dx'd with stage 4 lung cancer and that's all I know right now. That's enough though to allow me to take ALL responsibility for this terrible tragedy about to come. I smoked, I made the choice, I am the one taking away my grandchildren's grandmother.

How on earth can I live what's left of my life with this guilt? If it was just me having to face this then I could possibly shrug this off saying "it was my time" or something as foolish as that, but, to put my family through this is a horror I just never honestly thought about. I'll suffer, I am now but, how can I help my family???

Have any of you felt like this? I know I won't be here long as I have many bone mets, a 3cm tumor in my right lower lobe and incredible pain with sats around 85 on room air. I can never make this right but, how on earth can I make this better??

brainman · Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 8:15 pm Post subject: Re: Beating myself up!

SassyCat, I am so sorry about your lung cancer. No one, not even a life-time smoker, deserves to get cancer. All of us make bad choices that affect our lives and the lives of those that we love. I know I have made some very big mistakes. I have also made some choices that others think were mistakes. My problem has been separating those two. Guilt for something that you did is appropriate but should not keep you from moving forward. I had to apologize to a number of people and try to make up for the mistakes. I cannot rewrite the past but I can still write my future. I try to live in the present.

It does you no good to beat yourself up. You cannot change the past. Make sure your family knows how sad you are about the choice you made and how much you hate that your choices are bringing them pain. You are still your grand-children's grandmother. Try to think of ways you can tell them about the grandmother who loved them very much. I am working on photo albums and genealogies for each of my grandchildren. Make good memories to make up for the sadness they will feel.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

SassyCat · New User Joined: 27 Oct 2007 Posts: 6 Location: VA

Thank you Jim. Your reply has meant more then you ever will know to me.

I hurt everywhere and even to get up and walk to the bathroom is an event in my life these days. My family doesn't live near me so they are coming as soon as each can arrange it. One of my brothers is here now and my daughter will arrive on the first. My son is estranged from me but, he has been told. I hope for my Granddaughter's sake he will let her come and see me.

You gave me a moment's comfort and for that, I hank you deeply.

Elaine

brainman · Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 5:38 pm Post subject: Re: Beating myself up!

Elaine, there is still so much you could do for your granddaughter and other descendants you might have. I write a journal for my children to pass on to their children. My father did needle point and each of us has many pieces that he made for us. Even when he was in the hospital for the last time, he managed to finish a piece for me to give to the lady that helped clean the house while we where in the hospital. There are so many ways for you to communicate your love to your granddaughter even if you cannot see her.

On the other hand, if you are blessed with an opportunity to spend some real quality time with your granddaughter, make the most of it. I know you are weak so probably do not feel like "doing" much. But have you ever thought that letting some one do things for you is good for them too? So, ask your granddaughter to help you in some small way... it will build good memories of her grandmother in her young mind. Even if all she can do is help you mail a letter or get a drink of water for you, that act of kindness will make a big character building impression on her life.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1262

Elaine, Elaine, Elaine -- what are we going to do with you??

DO NOT beat yourself up in the least. Jim is right -- all of us make lifestyle, dietary, drinking, and smoking choices that probably aren't the best. No one ever points fingers at heart attack/bypass people and say that "you shouldn't have eaten that way" or ask a breast cancer patient "did you nurse?" (which may be outdated, but I've heard mothers who nursed are less likely to get breast cancer.) You have to live in the moment and, although you've been hit upside the head with a 2 X 4, move forward with your life. Don't point the finger at yourself.

The reality is that only SCLC has an absolute direct link to current smoking. Oh, I know most (80%) lung cancer is smoking related, but it can and does happen to a lot of people years and decades after they have quit. It also happens to very young people who never smoked at all. You could have quit years ago and this still might have happened. It did for my late husband and blew us away, because we didn't understand all the in's and out's of the disease back when he was diagnosed. There is also hereditary and environmental issues (radon, diesel fumes, etc.). It doesn't sound like you have SCLC, but NSCLC from your "Stage IV" description (unless your oncologist is very cutting edge.) SCLC typically is staged as Limited or Extensive.

One of my two best girlfriends died from SCLC last year and at first she felt the same way you did. She was raising two of her grandchildren. She moved past those "guilty" feelings quickly as "it is what it is" and you have to toss it to God.

You don't mention any treatment in your post. Are you considering chemotherapy or radiation? You do mention the oxygen levels. 85 is very low and you should be on oxygen all the time for your own safety and to prevent damage to your organs from oxygen deprivation.

I wish you the very best and please keep us posted. Treatment was extremely effective for a long time for my husband and his breathing and blood oxygen levels improved a lot with his first line therapy.

Take care.
PBJ

In · Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 11:05 pm Post subject: Re: Beating myself up!

Elaine- I will copy both Jim and PBJ's advice.

Please Please- don't waste time on regrets. Say what you must and move on. Jim has many great ideas to involve and share the love you feel for your children and grandchildren. Even letters, notes of old memeories, feelings, words. A book sounds wonderful. I have started a book for Hunter from the moment I felt when pregnant with him, till this moment now.

Please move forward. Time is precious.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

SassyCat · New User Joined: 27 Oct 2007 Posts: 6 Location: VA

I am going to try and get past this guilt as I know it's not constructive at all. IT'S JUST SO HARD.

I have not seen my oncologist yet as the appt is Nov 1st at 10AM. The stage IV came from my pulmonologist. I know I really need radiation as I have significant bone pain. I'm agreeable to chemo if it is offered to me so we will see at this appointment.

My one biggest fear?? I will die screaming in pain. I want to have hospice here but, not if they control the pain medication with a heavy hand. I have control of it now and I'm keeping myself right on the edge of not enough to give myself room for the next steps.

How do you all do this? I'd like nothing better then to crawl into a bed and pull the covers over my head for the next year. I smply can't function rationally.

In tears yet again,
Elaine

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1262

((((Elaine))))) <<<------ These are cyber-hugs.

Of course you want to crawl into your bed and run away! The shock of this type of diagnosis is incredible. You will have to peek out from under the covers and adopt a fighting attitude. The keys to more quality time are a positive attitude, loving friends and family, a sense of humor, and prayer. You will find that a new "normal" starts in your life. It will never be the same, but you adapt to this new mud thrown in your eye. (I'm now learning to adapt again after losing my husband a little over 2 weeks ago.) Most of all, remember to fight the cancer, not yourself.

I don't have a lot of info on radiation, because my husband only had a couple of bone mets during his fight and he was in no pain. What I do know is that chemotherapy is a systemic drug that will attack the cancer all over your body (except the brain) and my husbands bone mets disappeared with treatment. This was well into his 2 1/2 year journey. They will also probably give you a drug called Zometa, which strengthens bones and helps prevent new bone mets.

My husband's oxygen counts came way up too, although he was always on it, but we used a portable unit when we left the house. He even golfed weekly the first year! See -- there is still good time to be had.

Make sure you are adequately medicating yourself. Try to stay ahead of the pain with the meds. There is always more out there to add. I'm sure other's can comment more on this than I can.

Also know we are here for you. We will walk with you on this journey and hold your hand. We'll cry with you, rejoice with you, and pray for you. These are caring people on this board and you don't have to ever hold back from posting anything that you need to.

Many hugs,
PBJ (By the way, Elaine is a GREAT name -- my Grandmother's name and my middle name!)

brainman · Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 12:08 pm Post subject: Re: Beating myself up!

Elaine, have you talked about these feelings with your medical team? It sounds like you are depressed... not unusual for someone diagnosed with cancer. However, your medical team can help if they think it is needed.

Hospice people are a wonderful group and I do not believe they would use a heavy hand to control your pain medication. They are more than willing to talk with you about your concerns and will do everything possible to help you.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Pray4Mom · Regular Joined: 29 Aug 2007 Posts: 48

Elaine - I appreciate your honesty, and, as PBJ, of course you want to stay in bed run away. Yet you are ALIVE now - let your family and friends know and receive the love they want to give to you. I love the ideas Jim suggested; you can create lasting memories for your family - You have time - You are alive - You are loved. You are in a safe place here - where you can be heard and receive encouragement. I am sorry to hear you are estranged from your son... I understand. My brother has been estranged from my Mom and the rest of us.. and my Mom is going through cancer treatment now.

Pour your heart out to God; He cares for you and wants to comfort you.

I pray you will feel encouraged and loved during this time.
_________________
Katherine
California

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