Angry All The Time

GetTonight · Regular Joined: 11 Mar 2007 Posts: 14

Hi everyone.

Has anyone experienced someone diagnosed with cancer and being treated with chemo...being angry all the time?

My dad has been on chemo for weeks now for his Stage 4 Lung Cancer. His worst side affects have been his hair falling out and skin peeling on his hands. He hasn't had an upset stomach or lost weight or anything like that.

For the past 2 weeks he has been so mean to me. He goes off when it comes to any little thing. Not just me, but he's insulted and offended many of his friends. I've been with my dad all of my 18 years and I've never seen him act like this ever before.

For example, the other night he was mad at some person so he was like "I'm gonna call that dumb B." He asked me to look up the number and I did for a little while but I had my contacts in and it was hard to see the small print so I told him I couldn't find it.

He grabbed the book from my hands threw it one the table and this is the cleaned up version of what he said. "What's wrong with you are you Fing stupid? You're in college and you can't look up a GD number? No wonder they put you in bonehead algrebra. Oh look here it is I found it I guess I'm the only one who can see it. I'm the only one who can do anything around here..." He continued on like that for at least 15 minutes while I cried in my room.

Then he mentioned this guy I used to like (never did date or really mess with) and said he did something that I knew he didn't. I said "Oh that's not true."

"What the F do you know your man lies to you I should call the police and tell them everything he's done and then he would get sent away and you wouldn't get your chance to F him ever again."

This hurt me so bad because I'm still a virgin and here my father is talking about stuff that isn't even true, stuff that hurts me and embarrasses me. Once again he continued on like that while I cried in my room.

He told one of my friends I was exercising and I asked him why and that I didn't appreciate him spreading my business. His response...

"F you! I can't do a GD thing in the house. I just won't talk to anyone ever again. I won't tell anyone anything I'll tell all your little friends how much you hate them then I won't say another word. I was talking about you exercising, why's that so bad, do you want people to think that you're gonna be fat forever?"

And that hurt my feelings the most. That's just a taste of what he said that's not even the worst.

He goes out in publics and cusses and screams, he was gonna buy a car but he didn't get the deal he wanted so he proceeded to cuss out everyone there and show up later on the car lot to tell everyone looking at cars how much he hates the people inside.

I'm worried about him getting arrested or beat up by the wrong person he smarts off to, but he thinks he's invincible.

I don't know what to do. If I yell back at him defending myself he starts pound the table with his fist scaring me and I eventually run away crying. Then I just end up feeling guilty cause how dare I yell at my dying father you know.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know why he's being so mean to me when I try to be so nice.

Muttsmom · Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 9:38 pm Post subject: Re: Angry All The Time

Hi,

I'm sorry you're going through so much. There's a lot of anger that goes on with being dx with cancer and even though the treatments aren't making him throw up, it's not a pleasant thing to go through. If affects your body is so many ways. I can't imagine what it feels like to know that you have a terminal disease, and I'm sure that makes things SO much worse. My guess is he feels like he's going through hell just to buy himself a little more time, knowing he's Stage IV.

I know it's easier said than done, but know that this isn't your dad talking. It's fear, anger, worry and emotions that only someone with a terminal disease could understand. Even though I was dx Stage III, I can't understand how he feels, and pray I never do.

I will say that when I was 1st dx, I was afraid I was going to die. I was young with an advanced stage and the fear was beyond words. My dad would come and stay with me a few days after chemo and there were times I was anything but nice to him. I couldn't figure out why until I was done with treatment and started feeling human again. In my mind at the time, I truly think I thought that if I could be mean and hateful enough, then he wouldn't love me as much as he did, and if I died, it wouldn't hurt him so bad. Logical thinking..........NO, but I wasn't thinking logical. All I knew is that I felt like crap (felt great before treatment, when I had cancer in me), I lost my hair and I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing how I felt, I can only imagine how your dad feels.

It's not a personal thing towards you. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I'd talk to his oncologist and tell him. He may be able to take something for anxiety and/or depression that will help keep him on a more even keel. It might be that he's having a lot of pain, and doesn't want to ask for anything. It could be so many things, but the hurtful things he's saying to you, aren't how he feels about you. He may be trying to do to you, what I did to my dad, thinking it would help make the pain less for you when you lose him. It might help to tell him that no matter what he says, you're still going to love him just as much and how much it's hurting you. He may not realize it or understand it himself.

Best wishes and you are both in my prayers.
_________________
Nancy
2/14/02 ILC 43 - 5.5 cm 9+/16 nodes
Stage IIIA er/pr+ Her2-
2/02 MRM
FECx6 radsx33
Tamoxifen - Arimidex (chemo induced menopause)
4/03 SM w/bilat. recon.
9/03 expanders removed
5/04 repair reconst. disaster
10/04 Actonel for bone/joint pain from Arimidex
NED - 5 years
3/07 Diabetes
In memory of Kim 12/1/04

GetTonight · Regular Joined: 11 Mar 2007 Posts: 14

Thank you Muttsmom. You're so right about so many things. I didn't even realize that he could be in pain and not telling me, but he has been like that before on other things.

I hate cancer so much and I hate stupid chemo and I hate the doctor for putting him on it. He has to go through all this hell for what, an extra 6 months? He told me today about how his nose is constantly bleeding. He wasn't healthy before his chemo (obviously) but he was happy and living a somewhat normal life. He didn't have all these things happening.

I'm starting to think it's not even humane to put people with stage 4 lung cancer on chemo. I mean I'm sure it's worked before...the 1% that lives after 5 years. But for the rest of the 99%? I'm so confused about how I feel about everything.

Muttsmom · Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 7:15 pm Post subject: Re: Angry All The Time

And you are absolutely entitled to have emotions and anger at this disease. No doubt caregivers have their own emotional roller coaster ride that keeps going and doesn't want to stop and let them off. This disease isn't easy on anyone. I'm sure your dad's oncologist will tell him if the chemo isn't working and then give your dad the option to try a different kind. A lady I've known almost all my life and grew up across the street from was dx with Stage IV lung cancer about 2 years ago. She tried quite a few different chemos, but they all made her have no quality of life and the cancer was still spreading. The onco's talked to her and she opted to quit taking treatment and enjoy the time she had left. In your dad's case, the chemo may be shrinking the tumors and it could get him to a stable point, so never give up hope. They are coming up with new treatment all the time and without hope, we have nothing.

Are you on aol? I know they have a Caregiver's board and I'm sure that would help you a lot, talking to others who are going through what you are. I would think any server you use would have one. You deserve to have support too!!
_________________
Nancy
2/14/02 ILC 43 - 5.5 cm 9+/16 nodes
Stage IIIA er/pr+ Her2-
2/02 MRM
FECx6 radsx33
Tamoxifen - Arimidex (chemo induced menopause)
4/03 SM w/bilat. recon.
9/03 expanders removed
5/04 repair reconst. disaster
10/04 Actonel for bone/joint pain from Arimidex
NED - 5 years
3/07 Diabetes
In memory of Kim 12/1/04

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