Should I let her know I'm scared too?

karrynwest · New User Joined: 29 Apr 2007 Posts: 1

My wife was just diagnosed with lung cancer. I'm trying to be strong for her and not let her know how terrified I am, but is that the best thing?

Jonathan

jfkbluecircle

Hi, Jonathan,
I am so sorry about your wife's diagnosis. One of the weirdest effects of cancer is that pretty much everyone involved, including the patient, too, tries to act strong and not show fear when really things are Fubar.

I don't really know what to tell you; and that is the hardest thing. I know you want to do the 'right' thing, but there is not really a set protocol for how to cope with your reactions to her illness. She likely doesn't know how to react either, and is trying to be strong for you and not let you know how afraid she is.

Being supportive and present are probably things you already do as a husband. Give her as much love as you can, be patient and understanding when she gets down or angry. Ask her doctor for recommendations on counseling for you both. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. You have found a wonderful community in this forum. I hope you keep posting, and continue to read what others are going through. It may help you not feel so isolated and alone to know that there are people all over the world who are trying, just like you, to wrap their minds around the presence of cancer in their lives.

My very best to you, your wife and everyone who loves you both,
Jessica

vitalizm · New User Joined: 30 Apr 2007 Posts: 6

Hi Jonathan,

First off, im sorry to hear that about your wife.

My suggestion is not to tell her that your scared, because im sure she is scared herself and wants to lookup to someone who can encourage her and tell her that everything is going to be ok. Sometimes hope is one of the strongest medications.

Like Jessica was saying, be as supportive, loving and understanding as you can.
My very Best Wishes to you both.
_________________
LOTS of info @ http://www.sodnet.net/cancer/cancer_research.html

missymet31

My husband is newly diagnosed with PCNSL which is kinda rare they tell us and is in Sloan Kettering for his first round of aggressive chemo. He recently had surgery to remove the tumor from his cerebellum since they originally thought he had an astrocytoma. They tell us that this is a better diagnosis since it is very sensitive to chemo whereas the astrocytoma not so much. I haven't seen much about this type of cancer on the internet. I was actually looking for success stories....I guess we try to grab onto any hope we can find. He is 48 years old and we have 2 children, ages 15 and 13. I'm still in a state of shock myself and find it hard to believe that this is happening to us. I am desperate for some kind of support from others who are in a similar situation. His first round of chemo, Rixtubub?, was tried on Saturday, but he had an allergic reaction to it. They are going to try a smaller dose again tomorrow followed by M-V-P. I have told my children that he has a type of cancer that can be treated successfully and that it's going to take most of the summer, but he will be find after that. If only I believed it myself....I am keeping up a strong front for him and the kids but deep down inside I am scared out of my wits. Thanks for listening.

Bethany · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2007 Posts: 19 Location: Sydney

Hello Missy,

I am feeling so much for you and the children. I am giving different advice than others- I have secondary Breast Cancer on my lungs and was very scared and thought I had only a few years. My husband told me he was also 'scared' and cried buckets in front of me. To me, I could see he was showing empathy/ love for me and what I was going through. It was the close friends who I think were trying to be strong in front of me who repeatedly said that I must stay positive and I'll get through it etc etc. I DID stay positive and have got through alot in spite of all of that but I didn't think their cliches were sincere.

Everyone is different, but I'd be showing your husband that you have been devastated by his news and say now what you want to say- tell him how you're feeling and tell him he can't go yet. It's a form of denial if you don't express it all and perhaps could eventually effect your health too. My husband too is very ill and he has got to the stage now that he's agitated by it all- but he knows how worried I am and I'm glad I said it early in his diagnosis.

About the children, again everyone is different but gradually I'd let them know. They might have incorrect notions of it all.

All the best. Sending warm sunshine hugs from Sydney.
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Bethany in sunny Sydney

Bethany · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2007 Posts: 19 Location: Sydney

Hello Jonathan,

I have different advice from the others- I have lung mets from breast cancer. When I was diagnosed I was scared and thought I had only a short time. The best support I had was not from friends who said I'd be fine and 'keep positive' but from my husband and friends who said they were scared for me and cried with me. I felt my husband was totally honest and spoke about not wanting me to go and didn't deny that it was scary. We spoke of life without each other and how much we cared etc.

Now my husband is ill and I'm just so glad we went thought it all before he got to the 'too sick' stage. I felt he really saw it as I saw it at the time. This comforted me.

Wishing you both well.
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Bethany in sunny Sydney

brainman

Jonathan, I agree with Bethany. Of course, everyone is different and every couple is different. However, letting your wife know that you are scared too is to also let her know that she is not alone. If you try to fake courage for her sake, she will feel all alone in her fears. I am not advising you to let your fears dominate your relationship. Relationships are a tricky thing... sometimes you WILL need to be strong and set aside your fears in order to support your wife. But sometimes it is OK to let her support you! That is what a marriage is all about.

I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. Keep us informed.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

amby · Regular Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 19

[color=blue]"My husband too is very ill and he has got to the stage now that he's agitated by it all- but he knows how worried I am and I'm glad I said it early in his diagnosis. "[/color]

Hi Bethany- I was reading the whole link, and your statement above... I am just curious what you mean by "he has got to the stage now that he's agitated by it all..."

I ask because of my father. He's got stage IV NSCLC w/ mets to spine, hips, femurs, and lymphnodes. He finished his last chemo treatment (carboplatin, taxol and avastin) about 3 weeks ago. He lives clear across the country from me, so I don't get to see him very frequently since I have 3 little kids. Anyway, lately, he has become VERY angry. Very short tempered when anyone says anything about him taking care of himself, or being careful driving (He lives alone) I suppose he could be in that stage of acceptance of his condition, but I am just hoping he will feel better, and get better physically. I want to take my kids to visit him at his house June 21-28, when they get out of school.

It occurs to me lately that he may not be doing well then. Of course, I hope he is feeling better. I certainly have no idea what to expect at all. His Dr. is not very helpful when I have called him.

To address the subject of this post, I have found with my father, (different dynamic than with a spouse, I know) I have expressed my sadness and my fears, and I've cried in front of him. I think my Dad actually appreciated the emotional honesty. He gets a lot of smiley faces and exclaimation points from lots of people.

This is quite a rambling post, and I apologize for that.

You are both in my thoughts and now you will be in my prayers.

Sincerly,
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Amby

missymet31 · Posted: Wed May 02, 2007 9:33 pm Post subject: Thank you for your support

Thank you to all that replied to my post. My husband made it through the first course of chemo today, so that is a relief. I'm just waiting for the side effects to hit the fan. Sometimes I'm so scared that I don't know how I make it through the day. This forum could actually save my life....thank you all for making me feel welcome.

Missy

sariwa · New User Joined: 17 Apr 2007 Posts: 3 Location: Canada

Hi Jonathan
I'm sorry to hear about your wife's condition. In my work with cancer patients and their families, I find that honesty and good communication is important. People are intuitive and if you try to hide your fear from your wife she will pick up on it. I believe it is important to let her know how much you care and how concerned you are. I assume your fear is fear of loss of her and a very big component of that is love of her. Demonstrating that love is important at this time. Making sure she knows that you will be with her through this time is important. Crying with her is important. Now is the time to do things together that you may have wanted to do but have not done. Enjoy each other to the fullest; to do that will mean good communication and honesty. I'm assuming that you do not know a prognosis at this time; you probably do not even know the course of treatment since diagnosis was only days ago. That not knowing instills fear; once those things are established you can plan your lives more and that will help with the fear. I believe you should discuss your emotions - fears and all - with her. The patients that I know whose significant other did not do so felt like they were alone and not supported. I wish you and your wife all the best.
Weldon

Bethany · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2007 Posts: 19 Location: Sydney

[quote="amby"]"My husband too is very ill and he has got to the stage now that he's agitated by it all- but he knows how worried I am and I'm glad I said it early in his diagnosis. "

Hello Amby,

You asked why I said the above quote- I meant that my husband is going through the angry stage and a kind of bereavement/ stress with both our situations. He is impatient with the slow healing process so isn't communicating his feelings as he would normally. I do know he is comforted by knowing how I'm feeling but just now he's dealing with his personal fight.

That's why I'm pleased we shared our feelings when he was well even though we could [WILL] quite possibly get through all of this unscathed!

Warm sunny hugs from Sydney
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Bethany in sunny Sydney

brainman

It is a matter of timing, isn't it Bethany? There is not a hard and fast rule about when it is appropriate to share feelings. Your husband is not alone, especially among men. It seems that we (men) have been taught to suppress our fears. But when we do that, those fears tend to be transformed into anger and sometimes even bitterness. It is good that you shared your feelings with your husband during a time when he could still hear you without his own feelings obstructing his heart. I too hope that the two of you will "get through all of this unscathed." As always, you are in my prayers and in my thoughts.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Bethany · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2007 Posts: 19 Location: Sydney

[quote="brainman"] I too hope that the two of you will "get through all of this unscathed." As always, you are in my prayers and in my thoughts.[/quote]

Thank you Jim for your thoughts and empathy in answering many concerns raised in these forums. I have gained support from just reading your responses and the thoughts of others worse off than I. I've read your history and know that you are doing a wonderful service. I wish you well.

Sending warm sunshine from Sydney Australia Cool

_________________
Bethany in sunny Sydney

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