not coping today

Smurf · Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 5:57 pm Post subject: not coping today

I can go days, weeks even, when I am okay. When I accept what's going on with my nan and am able to cope with it. Don't get me wrong it's not EVER okay, but I just feel able to deal with it. Then I have days where I am angry. So, so angry..with just about anyone. Me for not noticing she was ill mainly, but also with the doctors for not being able to do anything about it, with her for not admitting when she was ill, and with my family for not being here more.
Then I have days like today, days where it is so upsetting I feel like running away. I am just sitting here watching her, watching every move, and it's breaking my heart. I want so much to be able to do something, something to take the pain away, something to turn back time, and it's breaking my heart that I can't
She's been crying a lot today, crying and sleeping. It kills to watch her in so much pain, both mentally and physically, and not be able to do anything about it. She's asleep right now and I'm sitting here crying so badly. I'm too weak a person to deal with this. Crying or Very sad

If I'm doing so badly now how on earth am I meant to cope when she gets really bad????? Confused

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fatherson · Regular Joined: 05 Jan 2007 Posts: 29 Location: Nottingham

Im so very sorry. I lost my dad in december, it broke my heart but im doing ok at the mo. In a strange way, although i want him to still be here, it was a relief when he passed over. He was out of pain and in a much better place. I beleive in the spiritual and believe he watches.
Anyway, there are no words one can offer to truly take away the pain at this difficult time...i just hope you can understand that when the time comes, she will be at perfect peace and out of all pain..i hope you can find comfort in that.
Life hurts more, death just transends the soul to a higher plateu.
You sound very strong underneath the tears, its not bad to feel the way you do, i did. Its not bad to cry. But the human spirit is very strong and im sure you will find inner strengh at the right moments.
I just wanted to run away like you, just hold your nans hand and be there. Its all, im afraid, you can do.
Sorry i cant be more constructive. I wish you luck, love and hope you can find a day, not too far away, when you can smile.
My prayers are with your nan, yourself and your family.
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Smurf · Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 8:35 am Post subject: Re: not coping today

[quote="fatherson"]i just hope you can understand that when the time comes, she will be at perfect peace and out of all pain..i hope you can find comfort in that.
[/quote]

Thank you, it does bring some comfort. I am sorry about your dad xx
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Clare2010 · New User Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 3 Location: London

I'm sorry yesterday was hard for you. I hope today has been a better day. Please know that there are people out there thinking of you and praying for you. There is nothing I can say to make your pain go away but I am thinking of you. Look after yourself and please do find some way of getting some support. You sound like you are coping alone and that must be terribly difficult. It's not fair for anyone to have to cope with this. I am thinking of you. Take care.xxxx

CassieAnn · New User Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 2 Location: UK

I havent posted here before but Smurf, your post really struck to the heart of me. I hope you feel stronger today, but thank you for sharing with everyone the real feelings you are going through because other people in similar situations to you need to know they are not alone when they get the angry feelings.

I lost my Dad 5 months ago on Sunday. I remember those blinding moments of anger at the world because I was feeling despair. You love your Nan so much and that is why you feel inner turmoil. You are doing a wonderful thing for her by being there, but try to understand that you can not do any more than you are doing. I know this is hard for you, it is not like in the films, I know, where there is music playing and everyone is being sweet and all is meaningful. The pain of the reality of terminal cancer is raw for the family , it is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting.

I will be honest, when your Nan passes away, it will hurt a million times more than you think it will but you will have peace and strength gathering inside you as if from nowhere - you will carry the memory in your heart of all the struggle you went through to help. I spent countless hours with my Dad late at night until he fell asleep in the hospital, rubbing icecubes on his lips because he was not allowed to ingest water via mouth, moving his pillows countless times to help him get comfortable, you are probably going through this sort of thing. These memories are a very special comfort to me now although at the time it felt like hell on earth to watch him suffer.

However, like you I would not give up the fight until my Dad died so in a way the anger is driving you on through loyalty to your Nan as much as anything else. You might not be able to cure your Nan, but you are helping her spirit in the knowledge that she had a grandchild that loves her very much.

fatherson · Regular Joined: 05 Jan 2007 Posts: 29 Location: Nottingham

CassieAnn, your experience sounds very close to mine. I was sleeping in my fathers room at the hospice, i got no sleep as i wanted to keep dad comfortble.
What broke my heart was that my dad kept asking when he could go home, he was not fully aware, near the end, of the serverity of his condition...i kept his hope alive by saying soon...i felt like i was lying to my dad.
Anyway i digress...i wish everyone, luck and future happiness.
Its amazing that something as painful and awful as cancer can bring people closer together, why cant that happen without the intervention of such a cruel disease?... At least we have each other, this forum is amazing.

Good luck smurf, keep us posted...i hope it gives some small comfort.
We are all thinking of you.
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Time is a virtue, spend it wisely.

CassieAnn · New User Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 2 Location: UK

Please accept my heart felt condolences Fatherson and everyone else going through the experience of grief that visit this forum.

Yup, I remember telling my dad lies too, like you I just wanted to comfort him any way I could. Mum even renewed his golf subscription, on his request, for a whole year and she has not had the heart to ask for a refund - even yet!

Smurf, you are in our thoughts.

Smurf · Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 9:42 am Post subject: Re: not coping today

Sorry, I have only just read this.

I am so sorry for what you have had to go through.
Thank you for showing me I'm not alone though x
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ahib0205 · New User Joined: 15 Mar 2007 Posts: 5

One of my neighbour was died because of breast canser. Healthy more important thing!

http://capguide.blogspot.com/

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 796 Location: UK

[quote="ahib0205"]One of my neighbour was died because of breast canser. Healthy more important thing!

http://capguide.blogspot.com/[/quote]

This is thoroughly inappropriate here. Smurf is coping with his grandmother's situation. Your blog has nothing to contribute. You should be more sensitive about who you aim it at.

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