Our life has only just started

only23 · New User Joined: 21 Jan 2007 Posts: 1

My 22 year old wife of 7 months was diagnosed 6 months ago with Leukemia. We found out this weekend that it has spread too far. Even with the treatment she will be staying on (the strongest option) she will only live another 2 months.

Even with the finality that this appears to be, I can’t get over my anger and forgive her.

Every time she cries about “what did I do” I think back on the time she left our house and got an infection all because she was tired of being inside. I also think of the time she went on a weekend long drinking binge when I was out of town and she had to miss a treatment. I am angry about how she thought she was getting fat and purged for a month before I caught her. I am also mad that she knew about the cancer for 6 months before she told me or sought treatment.

I love my wife with all of my heart, and I am so scared of going through the rest of my life with out her. I am so angry with my self for being angry with her. I want to forgive her but I don’t know how.

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 796 Location: UK

I have to ask you - forgive her for what?

Your anger is misdirected. She is the one who has leukemia. She is frightened and angry and desperate. She needs your help and support. You both need help and if you have not already done so, I would strongly advise finding some form of counselor who can help you address the anger.

lifestooshort · Regular Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 19

Hi Only 23.

Firstly, I just wanted to say that your situation sounds so utterly awful and I'm really feeling for you and your wife. Life can just be so cruel sometimes.

Secondly, I also wanted to assure you that your feelings of anger towards your wife are not unusual. When my mum was diagnosed with Liver Cancer I was annoyed because she has had her fair share of drinks in the past, and I was sure that this may have contributed towards her cancer. To be honest, things are so confusing during a Cancer diagnosis, that it sometimes feels better to have something or someone to direct your blame at. And if your wife missed a treatment because she was out all weekend, then I can completely understand your frustration. However, it sounds as though your wife is maybe in denial. The fact she kept this from you for 6 months also shows this. She's either so terrified of being ill, that she couldn't face up to telling you this or going for her treatments, or maybe the fact the doctors have given her 2 months, has left her resigned to the fact she may die and she is trying to enjoy her life.

Either way, it sounds like you really need to sit her down and have a heart to heart. You anger and frustration are probably all due to the fact that you are completely scared too and you need to voice these fears to her. Make her see that when she doesn't look after herself, this affects you too, that in a most cases, cancer doesn't just affect the patient, it affects a lot of friends and family too. You are both in this and need to be working together. I don't want to scare you, but if the doctors are right in their predicition, and you don't make up in time, then you will have a lot of regrets, for possibly the rest of your life. And this will seriously mess your mind up.

But also, use every spare moment to find out more about Leukemia. There is a wealth of information on the Internet about it and also some alternative treatments that may be successful. If the doctors don't think that her current treatment will help, and it sounds very harsh, then you don't have anything to lose by going alternative. But you need to act fast and both of you need to sort out your problems.

I wish you all the best.

Richard Day Gore

Hi,

You and your wife are in my prayers and I do hope you will find peace in all of this. I would say that if she didn't tell you for 6 months, the reason for this may be in the anger you're expressing here. It can be terribly scary having to bear the knowledge of your own diagnosis; fear of telling it--and of people's reactions to it, can be literally unbearable. As a cancer survivor I'm telling you man to man, this is simply not the time to be angry. There will be time for you later. The fact that you have the courage to post your feelings here indicates that you have the courage to step past your anger and focus on the emotional healing now, when to do so simply has to be the priority. Delaying it will just add terrible regret to your mental burden. You can do it.

This is an awful situation and I can't imagine what you are going through, and I'm sending all the good vibes your way that I can.

Love,
Richard Day Gore
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Richard Day Gore

SheLovesKoalas · New User Joined: 19 Jan 2007 Posts: 5 Location: NJ

Funny, (not really) but looking back on the diagnosis and eventual passing of my mother, I see how my anger was often directed towards her. Not because she was at fault.....

Because I could not come to terms with the fact that I could not help her, I tried to blame it on someone or something other than my lack of pursuing her illness.

She went to the Dr's for 18 months, complaining of every known symptom to late stages of ovarian cancer. Of course none of us even thought of ovarian cancer. Why would we? Maybe because my mother's aunts (2) and her own mother also had been diagnosed years and years before my mom's diagnosis. But those relatives were long gone. It was their fault, surely. If they had only shared their illness when first diagnosed, we would have had a heads up! That was it! IT WAS THEIR FAULT!!

No, sad to say, cancer may be no one's fault. It is an ugly and often unpreventable disease. What about the 22 year old girl who lived around the corner from us? She passed away from brain cancer. She lived an active life, full of energy, and very protective of her body. Never went near a "smoker", never ate processed foods, and never ever did anything to heighten her risk.

I am not saying that cancer does not have ways to be combatted, even prevented perhaps.

But your wife is not at fault. And you cannot cure her. I am ashamed to say that I have anger issues relating to another person going thru cancer at this very moment, because they had the nerve to get sick and take my only support system *boyfriend* away from me.

But the bottom line is this: You are human. You are experiencing so many emotions that it really is not fair to label them just yet. Just TRY and be there for her. She needs you. She only has so much time left, make it the time of her life, please. In doing so, you will never have to add "guilt" to the list of emotions that you are feeling today.

I will pray for you......Godspeed.

Hugs,
Janice
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In memory of Merge.......

roses4evver · Regular Joined: 16 Dec 2006 Posts: 30

Hi

I sure hope you listlen to what everyone has said to you about this not being the time for anger. I happen to agree that your anger is misdirected at your wife. I also agree with you, your wife should have told you 6 mo ago. For what ever her reasons were she could not tell you. Has she told you why she held this important information from you? Either way there is lots of time in the future for that anger, but not now.

I lost my husband Dec 31, 2006 to pancreatic & liver cancer. From diagnosis till his sudden death was a mere 2 wks. He went straight into hospice at home to his funeral, and naturally I was not prepared. The healing seems like it hasn't even begun yet from the loss of my wonderful husband (I am 45 & he was 59 & married almost 5 yrs & together for 7).

Through my own experience........It's one thing knowing your loved one will leave in time, but quite another when you are faced with an empty home and your heart is shattered in a million pieces. Now....I would give ANYTHING to take back all those little picky things (qwirks as you will) that once bothered me from time to time (how could he forget the milk?, please go change your clothes after work, it's smelly, or you forgot to stop at the bank) These things were so incidentle & trivial. I would give my rt arm up to have him back with me. I don't want to remember all these stupid things. I love my husband dearly and with all my heart. He was my whole life, my everything and we showed each other every day in some way how much we loved each other.

Do you want to always look back & remember the anger you say you feel now towards your wife after she is gone someday? I don't think so, please keep your wife tight like a hidden treasure you just found, cherish her like the day you were married. I had this poem that I wrote put on the funeral artinerary(don't know what it is called) with my husbands picture and another poem.

"Cherish every moment you share with your love, drink life every second you can, live like there will be no tomorrow".

I actually wrote this poem about a year after we met 7 yrs ago. I never thought that poem would actually be put to use in the way that it has. I didn't know then, but I know now why those words were written. I lost my husband so quickly that we had no time to share because he became so ill so fast. I sure wish I hadn't sweat the small stuff, as little as it was.

I wish peace for you in time, not regrets someday my friend.
My prayers are with you and your wife that you truly enjoy yourselves together. Absorb and take in everything your sences and heart allows you to. In the future this is what will really matter!

ElaineC · Regular Joined: 17 May 2005 Posts: 22 Location: UK

I feel so sorry for both you and your wife, what a terrible situation, made even worse by the fact that she (and you?) are so young.

I have terminal cancer myself. I am most shocked by the anger this has unleashed within myself and my husband. Please try to direct your anger at the illness and not at her. More than ever now she needs to live what life she has left as she wants to not as you think she ought to.

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