How do you tolerate the waiting?

suzyblues · New User Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 4

I have been reading this forum for several weeks now and want to thank everyone because it has given me comfort to know that there is support and understanding. My Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV NSLC the Tuesday before Christmas. Her cancer has spread to the adrenal gland, lymph nodes, ribs, both lungs and her brain. She is 78 years old and in poor general health due to heart disease. I live 1,000 miles away and am very blessed to have sisters living close to her that are doing thier very best to care for her needs. Hospice services are visiting everyday for medication and daily living assistance. Hospice has given us the indication that "this won't be long", and I think they are indicating 4-6 weeks or so. I have been traveling to help my sisters for a 4 day weekend every month since her diagnosis but now I am considering taking a leave of absense from my job and leaving my husband and teenage children for 3-4 weeks. This is to go help with my Mom's care and to be able to have time with her. I am feeling quite guilty because I am having a hard time deciding how to time my trip. I am feeling desperate for someone to tell me an exact timeline. There are days when it seems like she is fading so fast that she will not last much longer, then there are days when she seems much better. Does anyone have experience as to how much more time I can expect or how to best make these kinds of decisions? The waiting and not knowing what to expect is horrible.
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My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

carol45 · New User Joined: 16 Aug 2006 Posts: 4

Honey, I'll tell you-take your leave now. Be with your mother, but have your teenagers also take a week and be near her too, if you can afford it.
Do not do this alone. Do not shelter your children because when the time comes your children and husband will be your comfort but only if you let them in now. We all have big lives and so much to do, we only have one life, but we only have one mother....you need to go, stay with her as long as you can, give your sisters a break...and if she hangs on longer than the time you can take, you took it, you helped and your mother will know you were there for her... My prayers are with you and your family...God Bless You carol45

suzyblues · New User Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 4

Carol45,
Thank you so much for your wise and heartfelt response. You answered questions that I did not even directly ask. What if I need to travel back and forth? (Is that silly??) How much do I let my children know/see/experience. My husband and I have very different opinions on this front. He feels it is best if they remember their grandmother when she was healthier than now. I feel that they are old enough to make some of these decisions (16 and 19 years old). This is a journey that each individual decides how to take. It is part of life's journey a very sad part, but a part none the less. My husbands support has been beyond anything I could have ever imagined. So really it is all about my mom and how to help her through this last chapter of her life. Thank you again for your response. You and your family will be in my prayers.
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My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

SheLovesKoalas · New User Joined: 19 Jan 2007 Posts: 5 Location: NJ

I'd be on the road right now. My Mom came home on a Tuesday morning. Hospice came in Tuesday afternoon and told us that it "would not be long". She was gone that night.

The doctors were very forthright from the "beginning of the end". I called my boss when he gave us that same indication. I was fortunate enough to have a very understanding employer. He told me NOT to come back until things were "settled". I sat with my mother every day. My husband was very supportive by taking over the "wifey" duties without question, including taking care of my son. I have never regretted sitting at her feet every minute I could until the end.

In retrospect, as I think of it, if my boss would have said that I had to come in to work, I would not have listened to him. I would have forfeited my job for those last days. And I would not have cared. Because I know what those moments with her meant to me. And I'm grateful to God that I could be.

Please know that you have my heartfelt prayers and best wishes thru this rough time. My mom is gone 10 years and I still think of her everyday.

Hugs,
Janice Wink

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In memory of Merge.......

suzyblues · New User Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 4

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Exactly what I want to do is what you were able to give your mother. I want to be there when she is awake, make her whatever food she feels like eating, hold her hand or wipe her tears. What ever it takes. I am booking my flight to leave the begining of March. To many obligations with my children right now but as soon as that is taken care of my complete focus will be on my mom. Thank you again for confirming that I am making the right choice.
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My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

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