New to site

DawnT · Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 10:34 pm Post subject: New to site

Lost my mother 1977, age 33 to B/C. Lost my big sis, 2004 age 38 to B/C 3rd time around it went to her liver. It was a crap shoot: Chemo the hell out of her to reduce cancer in liver in order to section it out, but chemo was destroying her faster than it was destroying the cancer cells. So at the end I held her hand and let her know it was okay to go, Mom's waiting. She took her final breath and moved on. I deal with guilt every day, " I can watch my kids play & laugh and hug them...SHE CAN'T hug her kids anymore. IT SUCKS! God can be so cruel to people who just don't deserve it! My head is just spinning from reading through this site I just found tonight. I was feeling kind of bad, crying a little and decided to do a bit of research about grieving and all of that fun stuff. So here is where I ended up. I see ther have been no current entries. Hope someone is out there reading. We can all lend each other some support perhaps. I'm a good listener. CheerChick, are you still out there?
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" A hardened heart makes us stronger, but needs to soften every so often for us to balance." THAT IS THE OBJECT OF THE GAME!

brainman · Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 4:13 am Post subject: Re: New to site

Dawn, I am so sorry about all your grief . I held both my mother’s hand and 8 years later my father’s hand when they died with cancer. I am still grieving. I live in their house, so not a day goes by that something doesn’t remind me of their presence with me. I still do not understand or find a good answer to the “WHY?” question. But I am not searching for that answer as much as I was before. I too have had cancer. Mostly, I ask why did I survive while so many other die? My mother and father are missed by so many people. I could die and it would be at least one week before anyone noticed that I was gone. They were very special people.
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Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

DawnT · Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 10:52 pm Post subject: Re: New to site

Hi Jim,
Thanks for the reply. I guess we never heal completely. Time just makes it a bit easier. That's when I start to feel guilty again, like it shouldn't be easier...how dare I slip and let it get easier. I almost feel like i owe it to Mom & Michelle to always carry that with me for them. So tell me a bit about yourself. Don't say that about yourself, I'm sure someone would notice! You'd probably be surprised at the people that would show up.
Gotta go, it's late and I get up early evry day with the kids, shoveling them of to school & daycare. So I'll try to keep up with you.
Thanks again!
Dawn
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" A hardened heart makes us stronger, but needs to soften every so often for us to balance." THAT IS THE OBJECT OF THE GAME!

cariad · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2006 Posts: 11 Location: new york

Hi dawn,

About me first. I'm originally from south wales, uk. Moved to the States back '87. Married, school teacher ,two boys aged 3 and 13 - yeah I know, big difference, don't ask me what I was thinking Smile

I'm pretty new to the forum to, I think I posted for the first time back in August right after my mom was diagnosed with cancer - I'm actually getting fed up of writing about it - wow, now that's a step forward I think, must be all that writing I got off my chest yesterday.

Anyway, she was a recovering breast cancer patient, she'd had one breast removed 5 years ago (I can't remember which one, damn) a few lymph nodes, but she bounced back.

She had her 5 year check up back in May this year, and was given the all clear. Bah!

She died 7 weeks after the initial diagnosis, the cancer had spread to the liver, lungs, bone and was on it's way to the brain. It was quick, she was in no pain, if she was she hid it well.

I had to fly home with my little one Sept 2nd. It wasn't suppose to say 'goodbye' to her, it was to give support to her and my dad. She went down hill the minute I walked through the door and passed away 5 days after I got home. Talk about unexpected and sudden.
I kept it together the whole I time I was there, trying to comfort my dad and my brother who was a basket case - doing what needed to be done.

I don't think I cried that much the 4 weeks I was there. It hit hard about a week after I flew back home. I thought my heart was going to break.

Each day I take a deep breath, thank god for what I have and take care of my family. I've gone through the anger thing, the blame game, the guilt, but at the end of the day nothing is going to bring her back. She gave me so much, instilled so many things into my life which has made me the person I am. I carry a lot of her inside me, and although I've had a difficult time these last 2 weeks, I think the fog is lifting.

That's the condensed version, the bitching and whining is on my site, it's a kind of diary from start to finish - it's helped me tremendously.
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cariadsrealm.net

DawnT · Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 10:56 pm Post subject: Re: New to site

Wow! Some similarities there. Baby #2, Tommy, was due on July 16th,2004. It was about a month before I was to give birth before I squeezed the fact out of my baby sis, Courtney about our older sister, Michelle's condition. I didn't even know she was sick! They didn't want me to have any problems, like early labor. So 1 month later I was on a plane with Tommy & Adam (4 yrs at the time) to be there for her. I don't think any of us was ready to accept the fact that she was going to die. She looked like Michelle, only tired. I stayed a couple of weeks the first time, just being by her side as much as possible and taking care of my kids at the same time. Adam thought it was a free for all, a vacation , being a little maniac most of the time. My husband, Joe, had to stay home to be able to bring in as much income as possible in order for me to travel with both kids on what we know would be many flights from Ft Lauderdale to Detroit. It was very hectic for me. My hair was falling out from the stress.
I traveled 4 times back & forth. By the 4th visit, her hair was completely gone and she was unconcious upon my arrival in her new Hospice bed in the front room. She was just a shadow of her former self. I remember thinking, "That's not my sister!" Her doc had a meeting with her and our immediate family members ( I stayed behind to take care of my kids) I don't think i could have handled it well to hear him say, "It's your time, Honey, are you ready to go to Heaven?" it was hard for him too. She was his baby from the get go.
We watched her slowly travel into a coma for a couple of weeks. I slept on the loveseat next to her to keep a watchful eye. She came out of it a couple of times over that time period. She asked for a peanut butter cup, thank God I found one in the house. I fed it to her. She would keep looking out the window and say, "Go".
2 mornings later I woke up to the sound of the "Death Rattle". She sounded like a pot of coffee brewing. So Igot myself a cup of coffee from the kitchen and positioned a chair for myself right next to her, took a deep breath and put her hand in mine. I told her that I loved her. Her kids will be fine just like we were when our Mom died. I had to keep swabbing out her mouth. Fluid just kept bubbling out. It was hard for me to keep up with, but I thought to myself " I'll be damned if I'm going to let my beautiful sister be seen like this!" I told her that mom was waiting for her and that it was time to go. God had some important things for her to do up there. She made a small gasp. That was her last breath.I kissed her and began to cry. Someone else made the proper phone calls and we waited for the funeral home to come take her. That was the only thing I did not want to see... Them taking her away.
Courtney, step-sisterKaren and I went shopping for something suitable to dress her in. Michelle loved to put an outfit together! We even bought her a matching bra & panty set, pink satin with little diamonds on the straps and a purse to match her light pink sweater and grey slacks. I remember thinking ,"I don't want her to be cold".
Then we had to go to the funeral home to make the arrangements. I picked out a grey casket to match her outfit. How obserd is that?
I have feltsad & angry alot over the passed two years. Every time I would glance at her picture the first thing that came to mind was "You F*CKER!" That was directed at God. How can you take a wonderful Mommy away from her children like that! I still think like that once in a while but not as much anymore. You do learn to move on gradually, but I can't imagine completely. Your right, writing does help. sorry it's so long.
I found this incredible site, www.memory-of.com.I bought a site that I'm working on for her. You can add pics, sound, light candles. She was big into St Jude, so I set up the Michelle Sims Fund For Healthy Kids also . It makes me feel like I'm still taking care of her, and it makes me feel good too.
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" A hardened heart makes us stronger, but needs to soften every so often for us to balance." THAT IS THE OBJECT OF THE GAME!

cariad · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2006 Posts: 11 Location: new york

I'm certain your sister is very proud of the way you handled things Dawn. As far as picking out a casket to match her outfit - heh, I think it's pretty cool, wish I'd thought of it, I bet she was chuckling about that. Smile

I'm seriously considering organizing my own funeral - nothing fancy, put me on a raft, push me out into New York harbor and shoot fiery arrows at me - straight out of Robin Hood. I"m sure that silly thought will pass...

At this point in my life, my mom's death is still raw and I'm on a photo frenzy scavenging through drawers and boxes trying to find all photos of my mom. It's become an obsession to find the 'perfect' photo'

thanks for the web link, I'll pop over and see although I have my own website where I write daily about this and that, and thanks for starting this threads.
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cariadsrealm.net

DawnT · Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 11:17 am Post subject: Re: New to site

I'm sure somehow Michelle was pointing me in the direction of the prettier & more expensive caskets! Dad wanted to go cheaper and I got him to agree that the silver matched her outfit! You can guilt Daddy into anything! My sisters and I were almost going to have them change her outfit on the final viewing just so we could hear people whisper to each other," wasn't she wearing something else yesterday?" Michelle would have LOVED that!
As far as the flaming arrows on the raft, I say.....What the hell, go out in a blaze of glory! Make people say, What the heck was that?!
I know what you mean about looking for photos, I was digging furiously and thinking I should have more than this. There's not such a thing as too many photos when your loved ones die. I wish I had a great picture of the 2 of us but might have to settle.Eventually I' ll put more pics on her memorial site. She was the beauty of the family.
Have an inspiring day!
_________________
" A hardened heart makes us stronger, but needs to soften every so often for us to balance." THAT IS THE OBJECT OF THE GAME!

cariad · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2006 Posts: 11 Location: new york

ditto with the photos ...or lack of them. One thing that upset me tremendously was how few photos I had of my mum from her visit in April.
I'm an amateur photographer, I practically sleep with my camera, yet I took so few of her.

At the time of her visit I'd just bought a new camera and was 'breaking it in'. I have some lovely shots of the city, flowers, the ferry boat, but I was so busy testing out what it could do, I forgot to take photos of the things that matter.

My biggest problems are the ton of regrets I have. I shoulda done this, I shoulda done that.... I second guess myself constantly and I'm left with lots of "if onlys..." Not healthy I know, I know all the things I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing, but during quiet moments I can't help beating myself up about certain things.

When I went to visit her in September, I didn't take my camera home with me. I thought it inappropriate, she was ill, I was going to help and I figured I'd have no time for snapping photos. Now I wish I had. There were moments she was fine, she was smiling, and she beamed when my son was in the room. I think it would have been nice to have a 'last photo' of her and my 3yr old - she was always so happy when he was around.

Time will heal, time will heal...

I think I've finally realized what that statement means.
Time won't heal the pain, but eventually that pain won't come so frequently.
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cariadsrealm.net

DawnT · Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 2:14 pm Post subject: Re: New to site

I have one photo of Me & Michelle holding & bottle feeding Baby Tommy from the first of our last 4 visits. Her hair is pulled up in a very gentle twist, she was afraid to brush it and she has a smile on her face. I knew it would be the only picture of her & her nephew together. I have it in a frame. But whenever I see it I get sad. So enjoy the photos from the good times you had and don't dwell onnot having any last moment pictures. They would probably not bring you as much joy & comfort as the pics from the good times.
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" A hardened heart makes us stronger, but needs to soften every so often for us to balance." THAT IS THE OBJECT OF THE GAME!

tinner666 · Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 6:21 pm Post subject: Re: New to site

You folks are braver than me. I think if my wife gets to that point, I won't be hand-holding. I'll probably go fishing! I'm a coward at heart.
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Heartburn IS healthy!
http://www.albertsroofing.com/

mourningdove · New User Joined: 03 Dec 2006 Posts: 4

I've been through a lot of emotional waves through my life and the only way I get through them is one day at a time...one minute...whatever it takes.

I convince myself that better days are to come and do my best to enjoy the moment with my loved ones.

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