izzy
New User
Joined: 22 Oct 2006
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 11:09 pm Post subject: I have a friend with cancer |
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I have a friend who had surgery for ovarian cancer and is in her final 3 chemo treatments, (1 every 3 weeks). After surgery her surgeon said there were no signs of cancer left and all of the biopsies he had done came back negative. Yea!
The interesting part has been her behavior. We (at work) set up a schedule for meals, picking up her mail, and she was quite insistent that people come to spend the night with her 24/7. She is single, lives alone, and her relatives live minimum 4 hrs away. Her sisters came some to stay with her. She had a second stay in the hospital with an obstructed bowel; waiting it out for a few days and everything worked out on its own. After this, she insisted that we start the meal program again. Her sister and another friend said that her refrigerator was full and her freezer was full. We would go over to her house to go walking 3 miles then she was expecting her sister to bring her lunch!
She's been very healthy and walking. Previous to this several of us went to the gym together to weight lifting class. She is very strong and went through recovery from surgery easily. Mentally I'm sure she is fearful. But for 2 months her house has been a revolving door with guests she has invited because she insists she can't stay alone. She got through chemo well and has a chipper attitude when we see her. Then on the other hand she acts completely helpless. It's as if we've created a princess who is now taking advantage of us! She will say to people "why haven't you called?" Answer: "You are doing remarkably well and you have a house full of company. And the phone calling goes both ways."
Another friend and I took her to a cancer support group. We heard the endless details all over again. When she was asked how she was coping with the emotional side of this, she said she didn't notice any need. ARGGG! The girl is in denial. When we softly suggest ideas for her to quite repeating her story to everyone who calls and comes over because she will continue to live in the illness, she blows us off. Her sister set up "Care Pages" and she answers all of the email there as well as her own email at home. She is always on the phone repeating every detail.
This can't possibly be healthy! She will not go back to the support group. My other friend and I are going 1 more time without her because as soon as we spoke up, she talked all over us as if to not want to know what we had to say. As friends we need help.
For example, I said I thought it was quite weird she was saving her hair and then weaving it into something. Rather than ask me why I thought it was weird, (others have told her the same) she talked all over what I said and justified her behavior. She's not interested in what we think about anything. She hardly has any hair left, looks rather scary, and will not shave her hair off. She doesn't want to spend the money.
Other people I have talked to who have had cancer have not had these issues. They have tried to lead a normal life and not continually repeat their story so that they could get on with living. Others have said this is unusual behavior. I guess I can't understand someone who is recovering physically from surgery, walking everyday, and still expecting people (some from East coast) who don't really have the money, to come to be with her. We (local friends) have suggested we could set up times to check on her but will not stay overnight because we don't see the need since she can get her own meals, shop, drive, call, etc... The people from out of town she has convinced to come and "do their time" to "take care of her".
We've expressed our concerns to her sisters. They said to back off, she will come around on her own terms. Maybe so, but at the stress that she is self imposing on herself, will, in my opinion, not help with her healing because she is till living the disease instead of living life! By having all of this company, she is not spending alone time to deal with grieving/depression. I think she is afraid of that too!
Can anyone suggest something we can do? Do we get blunt and have an intervention that more time needs to be spent on healing not on the past? It has been suggested that she write her story put it in an evenlop, and after the last chemo, we will have a burning ceremony. Then we can appreciate being alive and live life instead of living symptoms. I know I don't have cancer but I do think she is wasting precious time dwelling.
I fear losing her for a friend because I won't be able to cope with the negative conversations of every ache and pain.
izzy |
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brainman
Site Admin
Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 4289
Location: Tennessee
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| Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 3:38 am Post subject: Care for vs Take Care Of |
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Izzy, “doing” something is not the answer for you or your friend… “being” is the answer. You said you talked with your friend’s sisters. Have you expressed your feelings to your friend? I mean: have you really reached down inside of yourself and dug up all the pain, anger, and grief YOU are feeling and told your friend? Be honest with her. Be assertive with her too. Ultimately, we all deal with our cancer in our own way and her sisters are at least partially right. Give your friend space do deal with her cancer the way she needs to. In other words, be her friend and CARE FOR her… not just someone who TAKES CARE OF her.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/ |
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izzy
New User
Joined: 22 Oct 2006
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 3:39 pm Post subject: Thanks for the reply - I have a friend who has cancer |
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You're right. My friend has been sailing through the chemo and recovery from surgery. Her revolving door of visitors since this all started will soon be winding down. She is physically strong yet emotionally not dealing with it. It will be time to have "the talk". Seems with the constant out of town guests arriving, there's someone new lined up for her to tell the whole story to. I think the guests lined up to "take care of" her is by design so that she does not have to finally deal with her fears.
Something else a couple of us have kept suggesting is the value to get counseling and attend the support group. So far she's not seeing the need. We'll see what happens. If she does not appreciate the friendship we have had and no longer wants to be a friend, so be it.  |
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