Help coping with my Mother and her possible death

ang569 · Regular Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 11

I was looking through the forums for thoughts on hospice but decided to post a brief summary of my current situation as maybe therapy or support.

My mother was diagnosed 7 years ago, with stage 4 dedifferntiated liposarcoma. Its in her trunk region and has taken over her organs. The Doctors gave my mom 6 months to live without chemo, and one year with chemo. 7 years and 4 rounds of chemo later, she is still fighting. for the last 5 months, Hospice has been seeing her in her home a few times per week. For the first time now, I am starting to see her fade pretty rapidly. i met with hospice yesterday and I feel the point of the meeting was to prepare me, and even though I have had "preperation" time, I'm just not ready for this.

My heart goes out to all you people who have suffered or been a family member of a cancer victim. It is a terrible thing and I would not wish this on anyone.

brainman

ang569, your mother is an amazing woman!! To survive 7 years when told she would only live for 1 is truly inspirational. I know those years must have had some very hard times for her and for you as well. I do hope you did have many chances to spend quality time with her. I do not know how many more months, weeks, or days your mother still has, but I do hope you can still find peace in just being with her during this dark time in your lives.

You and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Shyviolet101 · New User Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 5

Ang,

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I'm not quite in your situation yet, but I know I will be eventually (my mother is deteriorating from her cancer and is moving in with me next week). My heart goes out to you.

I don't know if there's ever any way to ease the pain. The only thing I can think of are the things that I might do when I'm in your situation. Is your mom receptive to questions? If so, you might want to formulate a list of questions about the things you've always been curious about.. your mom's opinions on things, what she's experienced in her life. Those are the kinds of things you want to remember.. the legacy of your mom, if you will. It was something I'd wished I'd had a chance to do with my grandmother before she passed away, and now I'll never know what kind of woman she was when she was young.

Maybe do what you can to try to bring laughter into her life in her last days if she is receptive to it. I know it doesn't seem like a time for laughing, and it's probably the last thing you want to do right now.. but it's important that you keep your spirit throughout this whole ordeal. It could benefit your mother as well.

If you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to send me a message. Please keep me updated.. and remember to take care of yourself.

ang569 · Regular Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 11

Thanks so much for your kind words! I believe this is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced and I know people around me dont want to hear about my situation because it is so negative. Plus, I feel that this is something you have to experience in order to truly understand.

I am so sorry for what you guys have been through and what you are currently going through.

ang569 · Regular Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 11

Thanks for the advice violet. I will definitely do that. I want my mom's recipes as well. She is still the best cook in the family. I found myself calling her constantly last night, while i was cooking for Thanksgiving, to ask her all kinds of "how to" questions. All those things I have taken for granted over the years.

threeangels · New User Joined: 01 Dec 2007 Posts: 1

My mum who lives with us was told last week she has between a month and a year to live with lung cancer... she was living... then they told her and she was dying - up to the moment she was told she went out walking for hours - no loss of weight, never tired - suddenly she is different, tired, coughing all the time - and I am wondering if she were never diagnosed would things be different now.

I have two just into teenage years who love her deeply - I am so scared of how things are going to be - scared for mum - scared for them. I just don't know if I can be strong enough for everyone. Joke is I am a counsellor - and right now on the outside I am still me, still listening and facilitating peoples change - but on the inside I am in pieces and at night like now I cry - so glad I have found here just to spill out what is on the inside to anyone who might listen.

Yesterday I went to the oncology department for the scan for her to begin the radiotherapy - I sat in the waiting room with all these people - I felt so humble - I used the magazine to hide myself, and wiped away the tears of humbleness at the courage of the people waiting there, listening to their bravery - supporting one another - who was I to be sitting there with these people whilst inside I was falling into pieces - so scared.

I have no idea what it would feel like to be told you are dying and that you have x amount of time to live - I can't even imagine - I believe in a God, not a special one through a certain religion but just God and I believe everything is for a reason - we just don't know what it is yet.

So good night to all you amazing people on here, and I shall say prayer for us all.

Goodnight X

helensgirl

I know from first-hand experience that once someone is told that they have so long to live, they go downhill from that point on very quickly. My mom was told that she had days to weeks to live at the first of December, and she passed away on Dec. 14th of this year...I think that people in the medical profession should not tell their patients such things--it makes them give up all hope, and then they decline almost over night. One of my anger issues right now is that my mom's onco gave my mom her prognosis, (unsolicited by the way), without speaking to the family first. If he had done so, we would have told him NOT to tell her, but that we would have rather him give her encouragement...Tell us--OK, but don't tell her for gosh sakes that she has days left on this earth!!!!
_________________
...keeping the faith in n.c.
Helen, my wonderful mom, diagnosed May, 07
fought-stage 4 NSCLC, (adenocarcinoma)
earned her place in Heaven, Dec. 14th, 07

ang569 · Regular Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 11

I agree. I'm the type of person that if a Dr. told me I was going to die tomorrow, I would die! My Mother, on the other hand, is the type of person who always wanted to do opposite of what someone told her to do.
My father has taken a leave of absence from his job to stay with my Mom. Her condition at this point is that she is declining a bit more. Since Thanksgiving, her feet and ankles, all the way up to her knees are swolen. When you touch them, they feel like wax. I bathe her on the weekends (Hospice comes in mon-fri to bathe her.) Sometimes she can get her legs over the tub to sit in her shower chair, sometimes Dad and I have to lift her over. Just depends on the severity of the swelling. She has to be lifted from a seated position because all her muscle mass is gone. Her back is really sharp and her collar bones. Her stomach is huge and mishapen from the stupid cancer and she has to be positioned on her side because if shes flat, she feels suffocated. She is so miserable.

I wake up at night alot and wonder if shes still alive. I just dont know how long its going to be. She told me on Saturday that she was miserable and wanted to die. Thats the first time she has said that. I can tell her mindset has completely changed.
I feel so bad for people who go through this. I hate it when people tell me "at least you get to tell your mother goodbye." It is beyon terrible to have to watch your Mother suffer and not be able to do anything about it. I would honestly take the suffering for her if I could.

I would like to know how one goes about telling her Mother or Father goodbye and look at this as an "opportunity" because I have yet to be able to tell my mom goodbye. I dont want to.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and maybe can tell me how long they had to suffer like this?
Thanks!

Jeremy C · New User Joined: 25 Jan 2008 Posts: 4

Hey, the best advice I can give you is enjoy every monent with your Mom. You CANNOT control what is going on. Love her let her know how much you love her. Tell her all the memories you have as a child. She will tell you things that will suprise you. Things you had forgotten. Love her while she is here. Feel whatever you need to feel. Do not deny yourself, I did and it made things worse. i am so sorry for your situation.

Jeremy

ang569 · Regular Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 11

Thanks for the advice Jeremy. I take it you lost your mom also, and for that I am sorry. This is by far, the most difficult thing I have been through in my life. The most difficult part is seeing her suffer.
I hate cancer.

brainman

[quote="ang569"]I agree. I'm the type of person that if a Dr. told me I was going to die tomorrow, I would die! My Mother, on the other hand, is the type of person who always wanted to do opposite of what someone told her to do.
[/quote]

ang569, I like to know my prognosis only in order to prioritize the things that I still want to do in whatever time I have left. After setting my priorities, I try to just forget my prognosis and try to live one day at a time working on my "bucket list" Smile

. After all, if my original prognosis had been right, I should have died at least 5 years ago.

[quote="ang569"]I wake up at night alot and wonder if shes still alive. I just dont know how long its going to be. She told me on Saturday that she was miserable and wanted to die. Thats the first time she has said that. I can tell her mindset has completely changed. I feel so bad for people who go through this. I hate it when people tell me "at least you get to tell your mother goodbye." It is beyon terrible to have to watch your Mother suffer and not be able to do anything about it. I would honestly take the suffering for her if I could.

I would like to know how one goes about telling her Mother or Father goodbye and look at this as an "opportunity" because I have yet to be able to tell my mom goodbye. I dont want to.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and maybe can tell me how long they had to suffer like this? [/quote]

I have been in your situation twice: in 1998 when my mother died and in 2006 when my father died. Both of them died in the hospital and I stayed with them almost all the time. I had a lot of opportunities to talk with them, express my feeling about them and about what was happening to them, and, finally, to say "goodbye". It was such a natural thing for us to do because I talked to them about other "touchy" subjects like wills, living wills, etc. And we did not just "talk"; we cried Sad

.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

ang569 · Regular Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 11

Brainman,

I cannot imagine going through what you have been through. I hope you have had some emotional and physical support to help you.
I feel guilty whining about my situation after reading about yours.

I guess My mom and Dad have had those moments as well. We have cried and I have expressed to her how I was so blessed to have her as my Mom and talked about special memories. I guess things will fall into place naturally.

Thanks for taking the time to show me different prospectives on my situation. I do appreciate it.

brainman

I do make it sound a lot easier than it really is Laughing

.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

ang569 · Regular Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 11

It truly is amazing what one can do when the need arises.

I strongly believe that my Mother has grown spiritually. It is amazing what "issues" she has resolved. Physically she is eaten up with cancer but spiritually, she is the most beautiful person I have ever known.

Life is strange.

ang569 · Regular Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 11

My Mother passed away yesterday, february 12 @ 9:30 a.m. I was by side, holding her hand and looking in her eyes when she took her last breath. I had just told her it was ok to go and that she was the best mom in the world and that i would take care of my dad.
I feel such an unexplainable loss, even though, she's not suffering anymore. Only time will heal this pain. I don't even know if time will help.

I got up this morning and miss seeing her in her wheelchair and feeding her breakfast. Crying or Very sad

	Cancer Forums Forum Index -> Coping and Support	All times are GMT - 5 Hours Goto page 1, 2 Next
Page 1 of 2

A website for discussions about any type of cancer, including lung cancer, breast cancer, mesothelioma, prostate cancer, laryngeal cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma and others