Cancer Forums - Coping and Support

j_white83 · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Melbourne

Hi there,

My name is Joanne and I am 23 years old. My mother passed away in March this year of Lung Cancer which also spread to her groin and her shoulder. She was diagnosed only 9 months before she passed away.

I am having a really difficult time dealing with this and was hoping someone, anyone on here could maybe give me some advice or something, anything that could help.

Thanks!

Joanne

Rlene · Regular Joined: 30 Oct 2006 Posts: 24

Hi Joanne I am so sorry to hear about your loss, its is never easy dealing with death especially when its a parent. I myself kinda know how u feel, I lost my dad . I could never feel how u feel obviously cause I am not u, but I imagine things are very hard. I came across a website which gives some tips on dealing with death.So here goes- Experiencing rather than avoiding feelings is a necessary step. Experiencing and facing difficult feelings allows one to manage and move beyond them. Realization and understanding occurs over time as a death shapes life in new ways.When a person can bring up the happy memories about past times and when you are comforted by realizing you have incorporated qualities of a parent who has died into your own personality or life, thats a big step. So basically time is what u need and u will always have a hard time with this, things will get easier. Try to remember all the good times, that way the person still lives through u alil. You probably think about the what ifs and if this could have been done or why? That is somethin we all do and its so hard not to think things, but u have to be strong. This may sound weird but feel as though your mom is right with u and think of how she would want u to feel. Just like if u were gone and she was still here u would want her to be strong and remember all the good times. Well I hope that things get easier for u. take care

j_white83 · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Melbourne

Thanks. It is so hard for me to just cope, especially with the everyday things!!! I look at my dad, who nursed my mum from the moment she was diagnosed, and wonder how he does it!!!

Especially now that it is coming up to christmas, a time where my family is never apart, I feel myself pulling away from everyone, including my husband! I just don't think I can survive without my mum. I cry myself to sleep most nights and I am so angry that she isn't here!

I know it is stupid to say, but I just feel like no-one else knows what I am going through!!! It is so not true but I just can't help feeling that way!

Rlene · Regular Joined: 30 Oct 2006 Posts: 24

Hi , I can understand how u feel , sometimes u feel u cant control emotions. Maybe and nobody wants to hear this but u could talk to your doctor, its sounds like and its totally normal in dealing with death that u have some depression. Never stop living and pulling away from your family, u need them and they definetly need u. I hope things get easier for u. I know your mom is gone but u are still here , so try to make the best of things. Christmas will be hard, but u gotta take things one day at a time. Best of luck to u, i wish there was somethin more I coould do.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi Joanne,

First of all, please accept my sincere sympathies. I lost my mom last year, October 17, 2005, after being diagnosed in September 2005. Boy, do I know what you're going through. The emotions....I went through intense sadness, pain, disbelief, anger, disassociation...a big part of me died with my mom. The first year was so difficult...first birthdays without her, first Christmas, New Years, Valentines, Easter, Thanksgiving...I just didn't feel like celebrating anything. I couldn't even bear to decorate my home for Christmas. I ruined Christmas for my family (that saddens me so much, although my husband and sons understood, it was unfair for me to do that to them).

Allow yourself to grieve. It breaks my heart to see my dad without my mom. They've always been together. My dad never went out anywhere without my mom, but he's trying his best to live day by day. We talk about her everyday and I think that helps us.

You mentioned pulling away from your husband. I am also guilty of that. I didn't care much about him...I thought the pain I was going through with my mom was too much that I didn't feel no other pain.

One year later, the pain is still here, but it's not as often, and less intense. Although, there are still times, when I will cry, but shortly after, I get over it. You will get stronger and be able to accept this loss, but right now, your pain is still raw, so don't be hard on yourself. It helps to vent it all out. Believe me, I've vented in this forum. It's great!!! It's anonymous. Let your feelings out. Cry it all out. You'll feel better. Just give yourself time....you're not alone! We're all here for you. God will ease our pain.

j_white83 · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Melbourne

Thanks for the support! It is quite weird for me to vent my feelings at all, let alone in this way. I have actually found it quite helpful!

Everyday seems to be alot harder than the last but with the support i have been getting here, i know i am not alone!

I find it too hard to talk to my husband and my dad is driving me up the wall. His way of dealing is to talk about mum all the time. I'm not ready to do or hear this yet!!!!!!!

Any advice on how to deal with this??? Anything is welcome!!!

Thanks!

Rlene · Regular Joined: 30 Oct 2006 Posts: 24

Hi ya it must be tough especially that your dads way of dealing with your mom is by talkin about her all the time. Maybe this way he feels like she is still around. Have u tried to talk to your dad about it, letting him know how hard it is for u. Maybe he just might understand. It has only been like 8 months or so for u and just like missumom said in her post, things are easier after a year, still hard at times, but alil easier. I really hope missumum keeps posting replies to u , she seems like she can relate to u alot. U take care and u will find that inner strength u need, its there somewhere.

Rlene · Regular Joined: 30 Oct 2006 Posts: 24

Also just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss as well missumum. U sould like u have become a stronger person from all of what u have been through. U take care 2

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

This is actually the first forum that I have ever involved myself in. After my mom passed away, I was so grief stricken that I went on the internet to google 'grief' and found this forum. You see, I usually keep things in and I don't like crying infront of people. Like you, I felt I couldn't open up to anyone -- not my family, not my husband. It felt like no one understood the pain I was going through. At times, I would cry so hard, I would start hyperventilating (my head or parts of my face would start tingling) and I would get this pain in my heart. I wrote out what happened to my mom and all the emotions I was going through. I cried while typing and when I got it all out, I felt exhausted, but somewhat, relieved.

Like you said, your dad's way of dealing with his grief is by talking about your mom. My dad was/is the same way. I just let him talk -- if that's how I can help my dad through his pain. If it really bothers you, you can nicely say to him that you're not ready to talk about your mom and that it's too painful for you to hear him. I'm sure he'll understand. I'm okay with talking about my mom, what I'm not ready for is seeing her photos, watching her video or hearing her voice in past telephone messages. My dad framed collages of her and looking at her photos just brings me pain because it reminds me that she's no longer physically with us. Although her spirit will always be with us, I sure miss her physical being (do you know what I mean?).

I think it's especially difficult when you used to see your mom everyday or if you had a very close relationship with her. Everyday is a constant reminder that she's gone; no more phone calls, chit chats, the nudges while washing the dishes, the gossiping, the advices (exhale)....but, life has to go on. I try to be strong because I think that my mom would want that from me and I'm not going to let her down now. As much as I miss her, I'm going to continue living the way I used to. You will also get to that point in time, so please don't rush yourself. I was also in your position, and as much as you're hurting now, eventually, your mom will give you the courage and strength to continue with life. One day, I was crying so much, and I got to thinking, all my crying must be making my mom sad and I thought to myself, that's the last thing I want to do. I got mself to stop crying, wiped the tears and exhaled. Every now and then, when the tears are falling, I just tell myself that I'm making my mom sad by being sad.

Just hang in there....allow yourself you grieve and take good care of yourself...

j_white83 · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Melbourne

I have realised something!!!

I am not strong enough to deal with this! I can't deal with this!
As much as I know I can't turn back time, I just wish I could have my mum back for one more day!!! I could have told her I loved her more! I would have told her how proud I am to be her daughter! I want her back!!!

Today was my nieces birthday party and my whole family was there. Except my mum! I couldn't even have a good time cause she was all I could think about! Imagine me, sitting at a 5 yr old birthday BBQ, not wanting to join in with anything, sunglasses on so no one could see I was about to cry.

I can't have a good time, it's not fair. Everytime I feel I am enjoying myself, I have a picture of my mum running through my head and she looks so sad! I feel like I am making her sad! Why does she look so sad??? I don't understand!

Why am I finding it so hard to be strong and move on??? I want to go back to being me. I am a shell of who I was with my mummy around!!! We had become so close over the last 3 years, she became my best friend. I told her everything and we spoke everyday. If I forgot to call her, she would ring me and tell me off. I miss that!!! I miss hearing her yell at me. I miss hearing her tell me she loves me and I miss her smile!

I'm sorry for rambling.

cariad · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2006 Posts: 11 Location: new york

You are strong enough to handle this, the fact that you know you're having a problem is a sign of strength - you have the strength to admit you need help, you need to talk, you need to ramble on, bitch and moan - so you go right ahead and do it.

The problem will begin when you stop looking for help and don't recognize you still need it.

I want to say something really profound, but knowing where I'm at right now, I know there's really nothing anyone can say that can ease the pain.

I sit down and say out loud, she's gone and there's not a damn thing I or anyone else can do about it, this isn't a once upon a time story, there is no magic wand on the other side of the forest that'll put the pieces of my heart back together.

Think of her life, don't dwell on her death, even if you don't believe she's in a better place, the former will eventually make you smile.

j_white83 · Regular Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 12 Location: Melbourne

I am not sure whether dwelling on the past or looking forward to the present is any different. I was asking myself today 'why don't any of my friends talk to me about their parents anymore'. Then i thought, what if they dont wanna hurt me??? What if they think mentioning their mums will make me sad. Then I thought about it some more and realised, i probably wouldn't be able to handle it if they did start talking about their mums. All I would wanna do is tune out and not listen.

What type of friend would I be then???

My mum was unfairly taken at the young age of 51. She was way to young to die. Ok, she was a heavy smoker til she was diagnosed, but the doctors/ specalists said the tumor/cancer had been there for a while, growing, thriving and making her so sick. We always thought she just had a cold or asthma. Why didn't the doctors pick it up sooner??? Why did it take them years??? Do doctors look out for cancer symptoms??? (are there symptoms???)

There is no point playing the "blame game". I get that. But the 'what if's' are driving me nuts! What would her chances of survival have been if the cancer was discovered earlier???

She had radiation therapy after she was diagnosed. They said that stunted the growth. It shrunk it and had made it stop growing. Then they gave her chemotherapy. That seemed to make it grow again. Instead of putting her back in radiation therapy they tried different chemos. Why do this when another thing had shown it started working??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Ok, i'm not a dr but it seems so retarded to me!!!

Thats enough for now!!!
I need sleep!!!

cariad · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2006 Posts: 11 Location: new york

What you're feeling is normal, it's something you have to go through. Don't rush it, take each day as it comes and try and find something 'happy' about that day. I know it sounds corny, but it's like the old saying 'wake up and smell the roses'. There is always something in our lives or something ins the lives of others that make us smile.

When my mom passed away I sat down at my pc when I came home and researched. I read until my eyes hurt. Like you I couldn't understand how they didn't detect 'it' sooner. My mom was having regular check ups after having breast cancer 5 years prior and given a clean bill of health 3 months before her diagnosis this year.

After reading, I realized it wouldn't have made a difference, yes they would have caught it earlier, she would have started treatment earlier, but it was so far gone, it grew rapidly, she would have died sooner - it was the one chemo she'd had 5 days before her death which I believe killed her. It was to strong, her body simply couldn't cope with the onslaught of toxins.

I learned the medical profession don't just do xrays or ct scans, mri's unless they have a pretty good idea something is there. Think about it, those scans expose the patient to radiation, radiation causes cancer, there's a chance they might awaken dormant cancer cells. (I'm not a doctor, but I'm trying to remember all that I read, and a conversation I had with a nurse while I was in Wales, and the answers she gave about why my mom wasn't given regular screens since her breast cancer 5 years prior)

The only thing that made me angry was the fact she'd gone to the doctors in June 3 times complaining of a persistent cough, and wheezing. Considering her history, why didn't the doctor send her for tests? I couldn't look the doc in the eye when she came to visit my dad 4 days after my mom passed away, I wanted to rip her throat out, I didn't trust myself to be in the same room, I stayed outside during her visit.

They don't screen everyone who presents with 'cold symptoms', for most of us it would be a waste of time, and expensive - unless there's something else that would warrant it - with my mom she became short of breath just walking across the room all of a sudden - that's what prompted the barrage of test in August. That's what made her doctor get a clue.

She didn't deserve to die, but who does. At the time I was also trying to deal with the closing of my school, losing my job, and then the death of one of my 3rd grade students, supporting her mom, and trying to make sense of it all.

I came home after my mom's funeral, and a week later learned another student of mine had been killed in a car accident.
I can tell you, my faith has been tested over the last few months. My mom was taken from me way to soon, the pain is deep - but honestly, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. It doesn't diminish what you and I am feeling, it's still our loss.

I hope you find peace, I hope we both do, but the road to healing is a long one. I'm ok at the moment, but the holidays are approaching, I'm not sure I'll cope, sometimes the grief hits me in the back of the head engulfs me and I have no control, but it's my dad I worry about the most.

It's also been therapeutic reading this forum, knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way, knowing that I'm not going nuts is a relief.
_________________
cariadsrealm.net

cariad · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2006 Posts: 11 Location: new york

psychology 101 (not that I've studied it, but so I've been told)

Listen to the other person and don't go on about your own problems

Sorry, I think I failed miserably in my last post.
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RJM · New User Joined: 11 Nov 2006 Posts: 2 Location: Australia

[quote="j_white83"]I have realised something!!!

I am not strong enough to deal with this! I can't deal with this!
As much as I know I can't turn back time, I just wish I could have my mum back for one more day!!! I could have told her I loved her more! I would have told her how proud I am to be her daughter! I want her back!!!

Today was my nieces birthday party and my whole family was there. Except my mum! I couldn't even have a good time cause she was all I could think about! Imagine me, sitting at a 5 yr old birthday BBQ, not wanting to join in with anything, sunglasses on so no one could see I was about to cry.

I can't have a good time, it's not fair. Everytime I feel I am enjoying myself, I have a picture of my mum running through my head and she looks so sad! I feel like I am making her sad! Why does she look so sad??? I don't understand!

Why am I finding it so hard to be strong and move on??? I want to go back to being me. I am a shell of who I was with my mummy around!!! We had become so close over the last 3 years, she became my best friend. I told her everything and we spoke everyday. If I forgot to call her, she would ring me and tell me off. I miss that!!! I miss hearing her yell at me. I miss hearing her tell me she loves me and I miss her smile!

I'm sorry for rambling.[/quote]

Dear Joanne,

I am not sure where to start..... I honestly have no idea how to even post a message on these forums so hopefully this works.

Where do I begin to tell you that some of the things you have mentioned are straight out of my head, and my heart. My Mum was diagnosed with the advanced stages of secondary stomach cancer in late August 2005, it had spread to her lungs and bone. 3 months and 1 day from the date of her diagnosis my Mum lost her very brave battle and I too had lost the battle to save her. I tried every possible thing you can imagine to help Mum but it was all to no avail. I am not going to say I know how you feel because as far as I am concerned no one experiences pain in the same way, we all believe that no one can feel the pain that we are feeling.

On November 27 it will be 1 year since my Mum passed away and I feel just as much, if not more pain today at losing her. My Mum was 51 too, just a spring chicken, ready to retire and begin living her life with her devoted husband, my amazing father. My Mum and I spoke on the phone every night too. Each day is a struggle for me and I am not working as I left my job to care for my Mum. My life now revolves around domestic duties when I feel like it and trying to finish a uni course that my Mum desperately wanted me to finish years ago. Just another regret I can add to my long list. I keep very odd hours and am writing this at 2am because if I was in bed, I would just be laying awake dreaming of time machines and some of the very sad images I cannot get out of my head. I too have a husband but maybe not for too much longer as I placed far too high expectations on him for support and of course, he was never going to meet them.

I have been through one Christmas already and spent most of the day crying, watching everyone else's families together made me envious and I was angry that they could even sit there and celebrate the day given the fact my Mum was not there with us. What makes matters worse is my Mum loved Christmas and now I cannot even bear to hear about it. I have had to attend numerous family functions and I hate it, every time. I sit there in disgust that my family can have these things and again wonder how they can be so happy without my Mum.

I think about the strength our Mum's must have had and think that I could never be that strong. I know my Mum would be so angry about the way I am handling things but I cannot see any other way and believe she would hopefully understand. The only way for me to deal with this is that someone up there needed her more than we did and I truly believe that I will be with her again one day.

If one more person tells me that 'time will ease the pain' or 'you should make the most of life' I think I will slap them! Why should I make the most of life when my Mum did not even get the chance to do the things she wanted as she was too busy giving my brother and I everything! Time will never ease the pain I feel and I will always be looking for the answers as life makes no sense to me. Don't feel you 'have to' move on, I know I haven't and I know that in 10 years time I still won't have. I feel as though I have aged about 10 years in the last 12 months., I don't like being in social situations anymore and my husband is in counselling because of me.

I am sorry to write so much and write things about myself as this is about you. I guess I am just telling you all this as I want you to know that I need you to keep writing on this forum because as much as I want to help you..... I need you to help me too.

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