I'm a support person, but I'm confused!

kdennis421 · New User Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 1

2 weeks ago, I found out my friend has known for a full week prior that she has HER2 stage 4 breast cancer (IDC) that has mets to her liver, shoulder, both lungs, entire lymph system and a few days ago another test came back showing it in 3 places on her spine (vertebrae, not spinal cord) and in the other breast. She won't get an MRI to determine if it's in her brain as well...because she's claustrophobic and because her feeling is if it's in all lymph nodes, it's in her brain too.

She has a family history of breast and lung cancer, so she's seen every 6 months for the last 5 years. In Feb of this year, her physical was fine. In Aug they found the suspicious lump in her breast...did a biopsy and removed her left lymph nodes. Cancer. The initial plan was to do a mastectomy, chemo and radiation. Because hers is so agressive and fast spreading, they are treating her only with herceptin to stop new growth, (not sure if it makes current cells shrink?) and then proceed with chemo and rad in an effort to improve pain management and quality of life. They told her to quit her job so that she can get her affairs in order. She has been approved to start receiving Social Security Disability payments and her life insurance will be paid to her at face value so she has money to get the things done that need to be done. She has 3 kids ages 4 to 14.

What I'm confused about is not her state of denial. She's mad...and scared. I know that people process things like this in different ways and her coping mechanism is to hide and ignore it for as long as possible. She's very strong and I know that when this initial shock has come to pass, she will do what she needs to do for herself and the kids.

What I am confused about is how do I support her? I've been reading up on everything I can get my hands on...especially since bc runs in my family too. I've found so many sites that offer so much hope and hear stories of so many women that are stage 3 and 4 and have been for 2 or more years that are on herceptin. Why does she have to get her affairs in order so soon? I mean, I know that's a good plan, but they are telling her she won't be able to go camping with her 5th grader this coming April. Could that be true? Anyone out there that can confirm based on what I've detailed? She's 37 and I can't believe she won't make it to May (her 38th birthday). I just feel so bad. It's not fair. I'm scared for her and her boys and I feel so bad.

Thanks,
Kristin

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 820 Location: UK

Hello, Kristin, You have asked a difficult question. Everyone reacts so differently to being offered support, and it is hard to know when to stop. However, my own response is to say that getting your affairs into order actually can be a relief as it removes a persistent nagging worry as to "what is going to happen". Making a will and planning for her children's future may seem negatives, but in fact I feel they will help everyone, and the sooner they are resolved, the better.

I would also say that she should continue to plan her daily life as if she was to live forever and not pay any attention to depressing medical pronouncements that she will be unable to do something in seven months' time that she wants to do. As you say, many women do live much longer than the gloomy prognosis given to them.

You can best support by being an ear. Someone who can be talked at and to, and who is non-judgemental or keeps their counsel until asked for it, is a lifeline.

MerkelCell · New User Joined: 15 Oct 2005 Posts: 3

[quote="kdennis421"] She's 37 and I can't believe she won't make it to May (her 38th birthday). I just feel so bad. It's not fair. I'm scared for her and her boys and I feel so bad.

Thanks,
Kristin[/quote]

Yes it is unfair, makes all of us feel bad to see a friend or family member struggle with the battle of cancer.

I moderate a group called the Merkel Cell Cancer group at Google Groups for a very rare and incurable cancer. Each us is facing a long difficult battle to keep our spirits and heads up every day knowing that at some time we will have to face these same issues. Many of our members have said that it is often easier for them to accept all this versus their friends and family members who have a more difficult job of adjusting and accepting what will be.

The same things you are facing for your friend may be the very denial and wanting to barter with the powers to be over this moment of mourning that is ongoing for you and her alike.

George

ladyblueey · New User Joined: 31 Oct 2006 Posts: 3

[color=darkblue][/color]I need some information. I just recently found out my Mother has breast CA. She is hormone negative, but HER2 positive. It's been about 6 weeks since she had a mastectomy and 8/14 lymph nodes were positive. We were told that they had gotten everything. Now the PET/CT scan shows to nodes under her subclavicle area on the right side. They have started her on regiment of Herceptin and Taxatear (not sure of spelling). One treatment a week for 3 weeks, off a week, then one treatment a week for 3 weeks, off a week, and another 3 sessions, offe a week. Then she's to have another PET/CT scan.

I'm interested in knowing the following:
1. Success in HERCEPTIN against the HER2/NEU.
2. Survial rate for HER2/NEU
3. Actual testimonies of people with HER2/NEU
4. Herceptin and hair loss.

I am the primary care giver, and I have read and done research, but I would feel better talking to someon that has already been through this.
I just feel so helpless and I want to give my Mom the best that I can give her or make availabe to her.

Please help me....

	Cancer Forums Forum Index -> Breast Cancer Forum	All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

A website for discussions about any type of cancer, including lung cancer, breast cancer, mesothelioma, prostate cancer, laryngeal cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma and others