Missing My Dad

MSC · New User Joined: 31 Jul 2006 Posts: 1

My Dad died about a month ago after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late october. He had always seemed so healthy and both of his parents lived well into their 80's. My dad was 63 when he died. I still can't believe i am never going to see my dad again. There are times when there is nothing i want more in the world than to give him a hug, and knowing that i will never be able to again is so hard to handle. For some reason i had it in my mind that he was going to pull through this and live 10 more years. I think i was in denial, and now i am so mad at myself for not cherishing my time with him more. I was away at college and really didn't see the effect first hand until I came home in may, at which point things had gotten really bad. I still can't believe he's gone forever.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

My sincere sympathies to you on the loss of your dad. I lost my mom in October 2005, after being diagnosed in September 2005. She was 65. My grandmother (my mom's mom) lived to be in her late 80s and died of natural causes/old age, so I pretty much figured that my mom would be the same. This was a total shock for myself and our family. It all happened so fast, sometimes to this day, we still can't believe she's gone. Sometimes, it feels like she just went on a trip and will be walking in the front door soon.

I know what you mean when you said that you thought your dad was going to pull through. I was the same way with my mom. I mean, we know people/friends who have/had cancer and are living. I figured, my mom's going to be a survivor in this. What a kick in the face...

Everyday, I wake up and go through my daily routine for my mom because I know that she would want me to be okay. I think when I'm sad, she's sad. It's hard sometimes...when I'm sad or crying, I feel like I'm letting her down because I know she wouldn't want me to be hurting, but just can't help it sometimes. It's getting better though, sometimes, I even have days when I don't cry. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and lets just say, I'm doing my best to live without my mom.

You hang in there...take good care of yourself. I'm sure your dad and my mom are doing real well up in heaven.

mbeeghley · New User Joined: 25 Aug 2006 Posts: 1 Location: PA

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my dad in June 2006 and I can relate so much to everything you've said. My father just turned 61 in May and he was completely healthy, except for the cancer. He had just returned from vacation last summer and became jaundiced. The doctors, at first, thought it was gallstones or food poisoning. I wish so bad that's what it was. He went through the Whipple procedure and did intense chemo and radiation. His doctor believed he was curable--because luckily it was in the very early stages. In January 2006, his tumor markers were normal and he was feeling pretty good. A few weeks later, on routine blood work, his tumor markers began to climb again. He was put back on chemo--and the drugs weren't working. All these treatments, and we were still under the impression he was going to be ok. In May 2006, he began retaining fluid and his skin was breaking down. Still no one told us he was terminal until 2 weeks before he died, and even then they said he had 3 to 4 months. We are all still totally devastated. All of his tests came back normal. They never did actually identify where the cancer was, yet he died so quickly. Only thing I'm thankful for is that he was never in any pain. I would love to talk to someone else about the "final stages" so I can understand how this happened so quickly.

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