Son not dealing properly. His wife dying of cancer

SmorgonMagma · New User Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 4

My son's wife has cervical cancer that was wiped out by chemo and radiation but has returned very aggressively. Currently, she's been told that she only has a few weeks left.

My son is very dispassionate about the whole thing and claims that he's fine. When asked how he's dealing with it he says that his wife is dealing with it not him. He makes jokes and doesn't want to visit her in hospital because he says it's boring. We're really worried that there's some underlying sinister reason for his behaviour. We just can believe that he can be so cold about it. His wife is his childhood sweetheart and they've been together since they were only thirteen.

Any advice or thoughts would be helpful.

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 700 Location: UK

Some people cannot express their deep emotions, and it would seem that this is the case with your son. On your brief account, he needs space and time, and your patience and support. I would leave him alone but make it clear that you are available to help him at any time. Are there children?

SmorgonMagma · New User Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 4

They're both only 23. I'm concerned about the inappropriate nature of his comments. Another problem for him I think is that she's his wife yet her parents have taken over on every front. He's his own worst enemy though. When she was first diagnosed we suggest that he quickly get his driving license but he didn't bother and now the rest of the family are having to run her around. This can't be making him feel particularly useful. The other issue is that he won't clean up the house for her when she goes into hospital. We visited last week and none of the dishes had been done and there were cups with mould in them. He's a very difficult person to get in touch with and as far as we can see, there are no other adult inputs in his life.

mousa

They are so young! My heart and prayers go out to them both. This cancer must have taken a severe toll on them both emotionally and in physical ways. A cancer anywhere else would probably have been easier. Your son is so churned up - the comments and jokes are just a facade put over all the hurting.

Tell your son and his wife how much you care for them and keep on praying and washing those dishes.

Much love,

Val

DJW

I think you are right. His response is childish. It may be the response he thinks is appropriate, however you raised him, and you know whether you taught him right from wrong.

Frankly, I can't imagine what it must be like for the both of them, to have to deal with all of this at such a young age. I for one do not believe that she won't beat this, I think she has an excellent chance of surviving, and for a long time too. But either way, the hurt that he has shown her with his ambivilence is going to leave some deep scars in both of them.

I don't know what your son's relationship is with his father, but that should be where this conversation needs to start. It is time for him to act like a man, and that starts by his father showing him how one acts, beginnning with heart to heart talk about compassion.
_________________
As Mother Angelica said when asked why God allows bad things to happen: "If it weren't for life's tragedies most of us would never even take one second to pray." It is only in suffering that we acknowlege our own mortality.

SmorgonMagma · New User Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 4

Thanks everybody for your kind words and thoughtful advice. We get mad sometimes when our kids don't behave as we'd expect them to but when push comes to shove, we're always there for them. My son is no exception. We're just worried about how he'll cope if she dies. Things are looking very grim at the moment. She's at the end of the line with conventional medicine and is trying some alternative therapies. Unfortunately, most of the evidence that any of these might work is anecdotal.

Thanks again.

churst · New User Joined: 23 Aug 2006 Posts: 2

I wish you and your family the best. I know firsthand the fears and mixed emotions your son may be feeling. My wife is on the reoccuring cancer rollercoaster.
Please be as supportive as you can for him. It sounds like he has seperation anxiety. It is not unusual for someone to try to distance himself from a loved one. He will regret it later, and you really need to be there for him as well as helping him be ther for his wife.

SmorgonMagma · New User Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 4

Sadly, she passed away a couple of weeks ago with all of her family around her and my son holding her hand for an hour after she died.

Now he's basically reinventing himself and wants rid of all of the furniture and practically everything that was hers. He's taken his wedding ring off already and is seeing a girl which they've known for years. He's decided to get his driving license which he's never been bothered with and is asking to change his job. We know that this is another part of the reaction but it could be very hard on his wife's parents if they find out he's seeing someone else already.

I'm sure that this is all textbook stuff but we have no experience or knowledge of what to expect.

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 700 Location: UK

To lose someone so young is always hard. I do hope that your son will be able to come to terms with his loss and find a new way in life. My sincere condolences to yourself.

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