lindsayvine
Regular
Joined: 12 Mar 2006
Posts: 11
Location: Scotland
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 Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2006 4:40 am Post subject: Re: desperate for help and guidence |
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Firstly I would like to say Hazel, I am so, so, so sorry that you ever had to come here and write what you have written. I’m sorry I was never hear to listen – I’m sorry that I never allowed myself to ask…
It’s funny. I have paid regular visits and made some postings on the Lung Cancer part of this site – always reading other peoples posts to hopefully try and make my situation seem trivial. Not once have I ever visited here until Hazel told me.
Where do I start?
Bob (MY Dad) was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer on 7th March 2006. 11 days later, he died.
Bob fell ill no more than 2 months before hand, but all his symptoms included fatigue and sore limbs, and sore back. Nobody could ever have imagined what was to come!
Before Bob’s diagnosis, I was the only one to go with him to and from his hospital appointments, tests, scans and consultations. After the first visit, we went for a drive, with Bob in the passenger seat. He poured out his heart to me. Reliving all his regrets, dreads, worries, and fears. I just drove and let him use my shoulder to lean on. At that point I knew I had to be strong – at that point I thought I only had to be strong for Bob, and get him through this. Luckily I was wearing my sunglasses, that way Bob wouldn’t see that I was in tears.
A few more hospital visits followed.
Til my dying day I will never forget when I took Bob to the hospital for his Biopsy. I gave him a quick hug as the nurse came to escort him through to the partitioning room and as I let go, he raised his arms out to me to try and grab me – he was petrified. I had just witnessed the look of absolute and true fear. He was now crying and let out a call for me. I said it would “be ok” and turned and walked away.
I returned about 2 hours later and “collected” Bob. This was the first time my mum came to the hospital. I made sure she was there to help me carry Bob (the nurses explained that he may be weak after the Biopsy and may assistance)
Bob’s condition quickly deteriorated and he became so weak, so quickly. A huge change from the pillar of strength he has always been.
A few more visits to the hospital were made and 6 days later Bob, my mother and myself attended for the dreaded news. The Doctors were unable to give us any expectancy time – or they refused to?
We all returned home and later the same day, Bob and I re-attended at the hospital to discuss Chemotherapy options. Bob was offered to start the Chemo either that day or the next but “We” decided to leave it until the next week (let us all get used to the idea first)
Tuesday came (5 days before Bob died) and we (Me, my Mum and Bob) attended at the hospital for the start of Bob’s chemo. None of my brothers were coming to the hospital on any of the aforementioned occasions or even now, which at the time I was angry about – did they not care? Now I realize it was perhaps because they couldn’t – this was happening to their Dad. They couldn’t bare to watch?
Anyway, I went up to visit Bob every day – and so too did my mother. I went before work, and sometimes after a shift (I’m a Police Officer) For the first day or two, Bob was in his own private room – which was great. We could all talk together, privately. It wasn’t too soon, before Bob was transferred into the Ward and was sharing a space with 3 other men. No privacy, no opportunity to talk how we would normally.
So… Bob is ill in hospital and I have to return to work. I had a couple of “ad-hoc” days off here and there during Bob’s illness – but tried to do my job when I was at work. One night however, I turned up for work, and I started to cry at the team muster. Not massive water works and balling my eyes out – I just got upset and my eyes watered up a bit. My Sergeant spoke to me and then I was teamed up with one of the Sergeants for the night – not one of my team mates. I was not given a call sign and so, wasn’t designated any calls that night – instead, I was babysitted the entire evening – aimlessly driving around – not attending anything that was going on. This was frustrating and angered me a bit – I don’t want to be wrapped up in cotton wool.
Anyhoo – Bob gets worse and worse in hospital and everyone at home is worried. But not once did I cry – not once was I going to let a sign of weakness show – I was being the strong one for the family. Hey… I’m 26, big enough and ugly enough to be the lead for a while – I’ll be the pillar of strength. HA!
Bob died on the Saturday. His breathing had become shallower and shallower, and harder to get – he was literally gasping for air. The whole family were called in, on that morning with the words from the Dr being “He’s not got much time left”
I was given 2 weeks and a bit off my work – Bereavement leave. My understanding of this particular “gift” from your employer is that it is time to grieve.
In that 2 weeks, I sorted out the death certificate, sorted out finances etc, arranged an entire funeral, informed all friends and family, and negotiated endlessly with an ex-wife and 2 daughters from that previous marriage on who was allowed and who was not allowed to the funeral (that’s another story altogether!) all the time whilst making sure my mum was ok (which she wasn’t) and making sure my brothers were alright.
That’s when I began to kind-of resent Hazel being at the flat everytime I was there – she had asked when I was going to spend some time with her or pay attention to her more – Where had she been the last few weeks? Had she not seen what I was going through?
I then returned back to work and no later than 2 days back on the beat, my Sergeant instructed ME to attend at a Sudden Death.
I was absolutely (but secretly) furious at this! I had only just got back from my fathers funeral.
The only positive that came out of this was that I was able to show genuine compassion and understanding and sorrow to the elderly gentleman who had just lost his wife through natural causes. I even gave him all my contact details should he need me for anything!
Still extremely pissed off with the decision to send me to that incident – I carried on with normal duties. However, on top of having to make sure my mum was ok, and make sure my brothers were alright, I now had to cram about 6 months of revision into 1 and a half weeks of intensive study for my Police Exams (In Scotland, a Police Constable is given a 2 year probation period where there are a numerous amount of exams – this series of exams which were about to occur were my reconvention exams which entails leaving home for 2 weeks and attending at the Scottish Police College)
Those 2 weeks were the most worrying of my life! My mobile bill will show how worried I was for my mum.
But… I got it out of the way. I then returned home and back to work for a week when Hazel and I split up.
(I had to stop writing this a about 2am this morning. Had 1 bottle of Rose and 2 tins of Lager. Opened a bottle of White but couldn’t drink it – think I had enough already. Woke up this morning at about 10am to a phone call from Hazel – asking me about my multiple texts and emails I sent last night) Its now 1010am.
Anyways…
At my cruel and cold hearted request, Hazel moved back home to stay with her mother. I broke her heart that day – I know I did. She was in the most haunting tears you could ever possibly imagine. For putting this great lass into that state I will never be able to forgive myself.
My philosophy is/was; if you allow someone to get close to you – you thereafter have that person to worry about and you then have to worry about that person. I already had my mum and my brothers to worry about – I needed to throw away as much worries as I could so that I could focus on them.
Hazel was now gone and all I did for about 1 and a half weeks was work, finish my shift, see my mum, make sure everything was ok, come back to my place, and sit, on my own, alone, lonely. But… I wasn’t having to worry about anyone – when the door was closed – it was just me. And that was bliss. I didn’t have to come back to someone who seemingly was hell bent on making me cry or who wanted me to talk about my “feelings” or anything like that.
A week after Hazel moved out we both decided to continue on with a holiday that we had spent nearly £1000 each on to Egypt. This was to be a last chance salvation attempt at our relationship. This didn’t work. I was still on my up and down mood swings, one day all lovey dovey – the next, as cold as I could be. Hazel started mirroring my emotions – that was it – I had pulled her down from her place of excellancy and she was now becoming like me – that could never happen!
I’ve been fighting a lot within myself recently. A big part of me wants to love, wants to let another person in – but then the protecting barrier comes up and says “NO” – get rid of them – protect yourself and have no-one!!!
We returned back home to sunny Scotland 14 days later and Hazel stayed and nursed me for a few days before leaving again and going back to her mothers (I had food poisoning and would recommend that everyone stay away from the Conrad Hotel in Sharm El Sheikh)
Once she moved out I was back on my own – I couldn’t be hurt by anyone if I’m on my own, I wouldn’t have to put any extra effort into absolutely anything, I could sit and do whatever I liked – which was always absolutely nothing!
I went to the Counseling session that Hazel made me book. What a complete waste of time that was. If I ever find myself unemployed, I’m going to become a counselor – what a complete pile of pish! The first thing she asked was “What are you here for?” I told her “I don’t know” She went on to say “Well, what did you expect to get out of this?” I replied quickly with “A lie down on a leather sofa!” The session was promptly ended with my apologizing for wasting her time and refusing to waste any more of mine.
I spoke with Hazel on the phone a few times, and via texts. It was during one phone call a few days later that I said that it was now over. This time she was a lot more accepting – she already knew that this outcome was inevitable. She was now accustomed to the cold, heartless, cruel and selfish bastard that I had become.
Now she’s at her mums, I’ve got nobody to worry about except my mum. The only thing is, now I’m drinking every night. Sometimes “just” 3 or 4 tins of lager – other nights 2 bottles of wine and multiple cans of lager. I stopped smoking as a New Years Resolution this year – last 6 months – now, I’m back on the things that killed my Dad. I’ve been an “on-off” bullemic – eating a good amount some nights and then making myself throw it all back up. Lost £300 in one night on online gambling and never knew this until the next day when I woke up (I knew I spent something on Poker on the internet!?!)
A big part of me says to let Hazel be. Stop annoying her with texts, stop emailing her (I’ve deleted her email addresses off my PC) She has moved on – let her move on fully. Hazel is a bright, sexy and sultry, incredibly intelligent, funny, caring, compassionate, annoying woman – she will find someone very, very easily. It’s maybe just time that I accept that this is happening 1 year into our relationship rather that 5 years down the road, and things like this happen for a reason.
I have gone from being “in my own words” a funny and hilarious, sexy, confident, joker of a “lad” to a very negative (realistic perhaps) colder person. To be brutally honest with myself, I was rather immature for a 26 year old – I refused to ever grow up – with that mental attitude I thought “I’m going to be the best Dad in the World someday” I’ll annoy the hell out of my kids.
Hazel came into my world – and for the majority of our relationship – we absolutely genuinely had a “dream relationship”. People honestly envied us – it was that good!
Now my thoughts and feelings run like hot and cold water. I’m simply fucking her about emotionally now.
I miss her truly and deeply – but, I don’t know if I will ever be able to give her anything like the old Lindsay back – and anything short of the old me, would be an unjustifiable act to play on Hazel.
Hazel did a lot for my family – and did an even greater amount for me. I don’t know why I can’t just simply commit to the relationship again (on that matter I really would appreciate some advice – I really do need it) For this I will always be thankful – and for this I will forever kick myself – for one day I will truly, truly realize how great she was/is and be physically sick at the fact that I pushed her away.
I’m sorry Hazel. Partly for ignoring you throughout all this. Mostly for just simply being a prick! |
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