Newbie: Mother Dying of Colon Cancer

gemellen · New User Joined: 07 Nov 2009 Posts: 2

Hi. My 67-yr old mother has colon cancer with mets to the liver. She also has Schizoaffective Disorder with a healthy dose of Delusional Disorder. I moved her to my city, into a nursing home with hospice care. The docs gave her 3-6 months to live over three months ago. (No chemo.)

She is exhibiting sighs of pre-active dying, but not active dying. Watching her wither away and suffer is so devastating. The hospice doc said he wouldn't be surprised if "she left us in a week or two" ... and that was nearly three weeks ago. I don't know why she continues to hang on. I mean, obviously her spirit isn't ready.

She's bedridden, but last night the nurses found her on the floor by the door of her room as she apparently needed a diaper changed and attempted to walk to get help (instead of pressing the call button).

I'm despondent. And my only support system in the city is my husband, since we only recently moved here. The hospice team has been wonderful, however.

I'm exhausting myself beyond belief in trying to see her all the time and work a full time job and maintain a home and marriage. I feel like I'm going to have a melt down at any minute. Everyone tells me I need to let go, but I'm not sure how. And I want to tell *her* to let go, since her quality of life is simply awful. But I know her spirit isn't ready.

Thanks for listening.

sheila · Senior User Joined: 24 Jul 2008 Posts: 478

Im soo sorry to hear about your mom. The stress wont go away till its over-and that is when she gives up and accepts the fact . Untill then keep doing what your doing and be thankfull for each day she is still with you.
Put yourself in her shoes and try to imagine her fear -her confusion-her sadness.
Then be thankfull your here to be stressed and be there for her. You cant be any better of a daughter than you are right now you will be strong and stress will pass. This is what family support is for. and although it doesnt feel like theres time..you take even small relaxing breaks or go somewherewith your family just to get away. you deserve it and that will keep you well and give you the stregth to carry on. pray hard if you believe that she will find comfort in the days to come. stay well thoughts and prayers to you and yours

offspring2 · New User Joined: 07 Nov 2009 Posts: 3

When my mom's mom was dying and at the stage where conciousness was fleeting, my mom whispered to her all the time that it was okay, she didn't have to be afraid, she didn't have to worry for her kids, that she could let go and be free. I think she was hoping it was comforting to her mom, but she also found it comforting herself to say the words.

I hope you find your peace.

topazil

I am so very sorry to read your words, have you spoken in depth to the hospice people about your concers and fears? It has to be so very hard to be the one who is waiting and watching but I feel it has to be hard for the person passing from this earth also, death although natural in it's nature is not natural for most humans to accept, we will do anything to be given a few more days, weeks, months, years and when we realize the sand in the glass is running out it gets scary because we don't want to leave loved ones or friends or even our lives, and because we truly do not know what happens when we pass.

Those with faith of any kind can get some small comfort from that faith if not a great deal. And perhaps if you believe in some faith, it might be of some comfort to you also. Her getting up to try to cleanse herself I can understand, giving up that control and depending on other people even when it physically is almost impossible for us to not do so is still so very hard.

Please accept my ((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))) and you and your Mother are in my thoughts and prayers this night.
_________________
Total hysterectomy July 23 2008, mass in colon.
Colonoscopy Aug 2008
Rigid Sigmoidoscopy with a laparoscopic-assisted partial colectemy with en bloc small bowel resection Sep 2008
Diagnosed: Stage IV Colon Cancer mets to lungs and liver. (T3,N2,M1,G2) KRAS Mutation
Started chemotherapy: 09/14/09 Folfox-6 with Avastin then Avastin alone.
Next treatment 03/22/10 Camptosar with Avastin every 2 weeks for 3 months then PET scan
Most recent CEA Level: 03/08/10 79.4 down from 240 on 03/01/10

gemellen · New User Joined: 07 Nov 2009 Posts: 2

Oh man, everyone's words are so comforting. Thank you.

I learned tonight that my bedridden mother was placed in a room with a bedside call button that didn’t work. She ended up crawling on the floor to find help after waiting 1.5 hours for a diaper change. She was scraped & bruised & petrified. And this was on her first night in the new room, otherwise known as the “Medicaid bed.”

Time to add “nursing home neglect/abuse issues” to my list of things to deal with, since, you know, I’m not quite overwhelmed enough.

=(

topazil

I am so very sorry to hear this, like you said as if you didn't have enough to deal with. (((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) (And you go get those people that let this happen and take all your frustrations out on them Wink

_________________
Total hysterectomy July 23 2008, mass in colon.
Colonoscopy Aug 2008
Rigid Sigmoidoscopy with a laparoscopic-assisted partial colectemy with en bloc small bowel resection Sep 2008
Diagnosed: Stage IV Colon Cancer mets to lungs and liver. (T3,N2,M1,G2) KRAS Mutation
Started chemotherapy: 09/14/09 Folfox-6 with Avastin then Avastin alone.
Next treatment 03/22/10 Camptosar with Avastin every 2 weeks for 3 months then PET scan
Most recent CEA Level: 03/08/10 79.4 down from 240 on 03/01/10

star · Senior User Joined: 02 Sep 2006 Posts: 300 Location: Ohio

HI So sorry to read your post, Its is so hard to let go as your Mom is still fighting and while she is just kep telling her you love her.

My wife was such an amazing fighter, and after 8 yrs of fighting it came to the point that the side effects wore her down so much she grew so tired,, We had been married only 11 months and every time when the going was tough, I told her to fight and she did and we would move on, but this time I saw how tired she was and in the days and couple of weeks she was in bed at home I kept telling her its ok and to let go and one day we will be together soon, as in Heaven there is no time, and on 19th August at 9 am I again whispered to her what does she see and what is happening, and in a low voice she said she sees angels, lots of them, and I said go Barb go with them and I will be with you soon, and at this time she did, and I know with out a doubt where she is, out of pain and suffering and waiting for me, and we will spend eternity together..

Try not to stress and Pray Gods Peace in the situation and the Angels will come for your Mom when God is ready...

May God Give You Peace Through It All ......................Rob

simplydior · Regular Joined: 03 Aug 2009 Posts: 20

A mother will always be a girl's best friend. I love my mom to bits, and it sucks that she is only 51, and has to go through so much suffering. I remember the day her cancer went into remission, she was so weak and she pointed at a shop selling maternity clothes. And went "When you're pregnant I'll get this for you". I cried secretly while pushing her wheelchair from behind. I wish very much that she could see me get married, meet her grand children, and leave peacefully with a head full of white hair.

Stay strong, as long as she's alive, there is hope. Do remember, once she is gone, you'll never get to see her in your entire lifetime on earth again. Cherish before she's gone. God bless your family.

johannabubela · Experienced user Joined: 11 Jan 2009 Posts: 72

gemellen,

Just checking on you...are you okay? I just went through this with my father, I know it is unimaginably hard. Please let us know how you are...you are in our prayers.

Johanna
_________________
Daddy's story:
12/08 - colonoscopy, mass biopsy neg
12/29/08 - surgery, very adv rectal cancer, 13 lymph nodes, 12 pos, perm colostomy
3/16/09 - Began FolFox
5/16/09 - Changed to FolFiri
9/23/09 - final round of FolFiri
10/4/09 - arthritis in spine
10/23/09 - mets to bladder, worsening in liver and pelvis.
11/24/2009 lost his battle.

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