Scared as hell.

Princepia · New User Joined: 21 Feb 2009 Posts: 7

Hello, I've been looking over this forum for ...probably 5 months now, waiting and waiting, scared to post to come to the realization that I'm actually posting here, making my nightmare seem real...

I am 20 years old and male..and this is my story so far..

I can't pinpoint the exact year, but it was around when I was 15-16 years old I discovered lumps in my neck, two on left side, and a few on the right, there are multiple lumps, some movable, some deep down and non-moveable. Now I decided to ignore this for a long time...and only recently decided to pursue it after a gallstone attack sent me to the hospital and put some reasoning inside my head. Now, I've gone through the chest x-rays, blood tests ect. Everything there has been fine. I have my biopsy in..less then 2 weeks now..(I'm in Canada, the waiting this was like 4 months for my biopsy)...I've gone through a CRAZY anxiety rollercoaster for the last while, the thing is, is there any hope it isn't lymphoma?...Like, I read and I ask, and it's clear SOMETHING is not right, why would I have these lumps...right now it's looking like a positive diagnosis of lymphoma because there really isn't anything else to explain it...I'm so terrified...I'm so scared..I don't want to die..I'm not ready to go yet.. I'm scared I was stupid and gambled my life with taking too long to get this checked out, and what if it has spread all over my body and now I'm just a big walking bag of cancer..I'm sorry I really have needed to get this all out and I know you all hear this all the time, but it's time I type these emotions out atleast.

Some hope that brings me comfort.. is I had a full abdominal examination for my gallstone attack, and they never mentioned any tumors there, so I guess that's a good sign, the lumps are only on my neck, and are in no way HUGE, but probably 1cm-1.5cm max. Thing is, from since I've noticed them, which was like 5 years ago or maybe 4, there has been LITTLE if ANY change to the size of them. I used to be overweight but through diet and excercise(had a rigerous routine) I had lost 100lbs of my body weight since I was like 15, so I'm thinking maybe any noticeableness of the lumps is from the weightloss I have achieved. I have no night sweats, the only itchiness I have is when I THINK about being itchy, then I start getting itchy all over.

I've pretty much prepared myself for the worst...so it's either going to be a day of absolute amazingness when I get the results..or the worst day of my life, what a gamble eh?

I'm scared.
I'm scared of dying.
I'm scared of what chemo will do to my body even if I survive it.
I'm so..so...so..scared.

Please if there is any hope out there, let me know, reach out to me, I need it so bad..

-Eric.

Don · Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 7:30 am Post subject: Re: Scared as hell.

Hi, I am sorry that you are going through this angst. After reading your post, here are some things I thought of:

Are you diagnosing yourself or letting an actual doctor do it? Sometimes, you can get too caught up surfing the internet and think the worst after reading about the various diseases. Then your mind starts...like you said...making the symptoms come true.

If the lumps have been there for as long as you said without growing, that is a good sign.

There are many reasons for lumps...most of them are NOT because of lymphoma.

If by some small chance it is lymphoma, it is one of the most manageable cancers of all. Just look through these posts...were all still here "yakking" with each other.
_________________
Don B
Dec 07 Dx Follicular NHL, Grade I (Indolent)
Stage IIIA - No Symptoms
Watch and Wait - 6 Month Checks
Jan 09 Scan shows Progression - no symptoms
May 18, 09 - Started R-CVP
After Third Round, CT scan showed some tumor shrinkage
July 31,09 - Completed 6 Rounds R-CVP

joepet · Senior User Joined: 18 Dec 2008 Posts: 273 Location: Japan

Hi Eric,

I've been there, done that. And I'm not even talking about my lymphoma. I'm talking about all of the imagined emergencies (and even some real ones) that I've wasted months of my life worrying about. Worrying begets even more worrying, because the act of worrying results in nothing productive, and wasting all of that time just makes us even more fearful of the time we have left.

Let's look at the worst case scenario: despite the fact that you have lumps that have hardly changed in size over the past five years, and have had chest X-Rays that have turned up nothing unusual, your biopsy comes back as positive for lymphoma. I am not a doctor, and I accept no responsibility for my hypothetical diagnosis, but it would seem that you have a slow-growing indolent lymphoma. Because if you had an aggressive lymphoma like diffuse B-Cell five years ago and did nothing about it, you would be dead today. Unlike aggressive lymphomas, most indolent lymphomas are not curable; they are a condition you will have to live with for the rest of your life. But in your case, growths do not show up on a chest X-Ray despite five years of neck lumps, so I would guess that it is still in an early stage. In addition, you make no mention of having any of the classic lymphoma "B symptoms" (drenching night sweats, long-term slight fever, and unexplainable weight loss...you actively brought about yours). So your lymphoma has no impact on your current health. In which case, the doctor is likely to recommend "watchful waiting", meaning you simply wait and occasionally take scans to monitor your progress, and when it becomes something worth treating, the doctor will discuss your options further.

So, IF you have lymphoma, you have no reason to beat yourself up about not doing anything about this sooner, because it wouldn't have changed anything. Your biggest obstacle is overcoming your worry, and learning to live your life without fear for the many years you will have to live with the disease. The best way I've found to do that is to simply concentrate on living your life within the day you are living it. There are no guarantees on what life will bring tomorrow (sorry, anything your mom or dad may have told you to that affect is a lie), but if you are feeling good today, your concern should be on enjoying the goodness you definitely feel today, and not brood about the potential for badness in the future.

Having said that, I think that the chances that you actually have lymphoma are quite small. In addition, since I've started coming here, I've yet to see anyone post here saying that they _think_ that they _might_ have lymphoma come back and say that they actually have it, and I don't need you messing up that perfect record. Razz

Good luck, and let us know how the biopsy goes.
_________________
Age 37 (36 at diagnosis)
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 1AE (localized in colon)
Began six cycles of R chop 21 3rd Dec 2008
Finished R chop 21 Apr 2009
Complete remission as of May 2009

Princepia · New User Joined: 21 Feb 2009 Posts: 7

This is what I needed, my support system right now isn't the greatest right now, I live far from my parents on my own. Thank you for your words, please keep in touch with me, I need some people to just talk me down once and awhile, I'll be fine for a few days, and then I'll suddenly just freak out and lose it, it's been a rollercoaster, but the days are counting down... 11 days till the biopsy, then I'm sure it will be like 2 weeks before the results. But thank you for some promising hope, I understand you are not doctors, but just giving me your theories can calm me down enough to live my life a little bit more normally for the next week or so.

Keep me in your prayers to whatever diety you believe in. You are all in mine.

<3

ChemoMan · Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2009 4:52 pm Post subject: Re: Scared as hell.

Hi

Sorry to hear this is worrying you so much. Don't panic no matter what it is, its not as bad as you think as far as outcomes are concerned. As Joe pointed out all who have posted here with concerns similar to yours have never come back, as there was no need. At 20 your chances of fighting any sort of cancer are very good but it is unlikely that you have cancer, but of course not impossible. More than likely it is an infection.

Try to stay away from internet sites in an effort to diagnose your problems, all this will do is increase your angst. The time to do that is when you have a definite diagnosis but only then. In the meantime try and relax a bit, spoil yourself and do some of the things you really enjoy.

Good luck and I really hope you get a negative result from the biopsy and enjoy many many more trips around the Sun.
_________________
Age 52
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 2a
Finished six cycles of R chop 21 26th May 2008
Officially in remission 9th July 2008
Remission confirmed 1st October 2008
Remission confirmed 17 June 2009
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=9620
RULE NUMBER 1.....Don't Panic
RULE NUMBER 2..... Don't forget Rule number 1

Don · Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2009 6:37 pm Post subject: Re: Scared as hell.

How come so long for a biopsy and then another long wait for the results? That's crazy!!
_________________
Don B
Dec 07 Dx Follicular NHL, Grade I (Indolent)
Stage IIIA - No Symptoms
Watch and Wait - 6 Month Checks
Jan 09 Scan shows Progression - no symptoms
May 18, 09 - Started R-CVP
After Third Round, CT scan showed some tumor shrinkage
July 31,09 - Completed 6 Rounds R-CVP

joepet · Senior User Joined: 18 Dec 2008 Posts: 273 Location: Japan

One of the downsides of a fully socialized medical system like that of Canada. If you're not an emergency, things take time...

All in all, I'd still much rather get sick in Canada than the States.
_________________
Age 37 (36 at diagnosis)
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 1AE (localized in colon)
Began six cycles of R chop 21 3rd Dec 2008
Finished R chop 21 Apr 2009
Complete remission as of May 2009

SingleDad · Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 2:34 am Post subject: Re: Scared as hell.

That's crap Joepet - don't talk about what you don't know about.....

Did you read my original post.....??

••••••

b]Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 9:39 pm[/b]

Hey all - glad to find this place.

Been quite a couple of weeks from finding lump in testicle now a ridgeback I'm told is the term, to diagnosis of diffuse large B cell.

Damn only 3 weeks from lump to to surgery to scan to diagnosis to 5th day into CHOP+R. ..and a long weekend in the middle plus learning curve.

••••••••

That's walkin clinic, to urologist to sonogram, to surgery to biopsy to cat scan and bone marrow to 5 days into CHOPr in a 3 week period with a long weekend in there.

Canada is a huge country and of course the availability of treatment varies as to time especially in rural areas but that holds true everywhere medicine is practiced.
_________________
Age 61
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma Stage 2/3
CHOP+R started Feb 26th 2009
Completed 6 cycles June 2009
Diary here http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=12003
Officially in remission July 9th 2009 Wink

Three rounds of Intrathecal completed July 29th
Radiation to come as a prophylactic measure.
1st Radiation Sept 9 - 17 does completed Oct 1.
No more treatments scheduled
Heading to South Africa in January - once the itching stops Mr. Green

ChemoMan · Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 3:24 am Post subject: Re: Scared as hell.

Hi all

I think Joepet was quite complimentary to the Canadian system when he said
" All in all, I'd still much rather get sick in Canada than the States." so you were being a touch too critical singledad, but that's only my opinion.
Princepia's results may have been delayed by the Easter holidays, or there may even have been an error and it just got missed. It does happen.

Anyway Princepia when you get the results get back to us, we are all hoping it is nothing to get worried over. Get on the phone and give them a bit of a hurry up, but keep your cool, you don't want to burn any bridges. Good luck Bro
_________________
Age 52
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 2a
Finished six cycles of R chop 21 26th May 2008
Officially in remission 9th July 2008
Remission confirmed 1st October 2008
Remission confirmed 17 June 2009
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=9620
RULE NUMBER 1.....Don't Panic
RULE NUMBER 2..... Don't forget Rule number 1

joepet · Senior User Joined: 18 Dec 2008 Posts: 273 Location: Japan

No need to defend me ChemoMan. I stand by my comments. SingleDad has had a great experience with his treatment. I know other Canadians who have as well. I also know Canadians who waited over 7 weeks for a CT scan, and over 6 months for a colonoscopy.

And yet, all in all, Canada's system is still far superior to what the average American is treated to.
_________________
Age 37 (36 at diagnosis)
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 1AE (localized in colon)
Began six cycles of R chop 21 3rd Dec 2008
Finished R chop 21 Apr 2009
Complete remission as of May 2009

Don · Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 7:44 pm Post subject: Re: Scared as hell.

I know we are not addressing the concerns of the young man who started this thread, but I as a citizen of the United States, am extremely happy with my health care. In no case have I waited more than a few days for an appointment witrh a specialist or for a medical procedure unless it was my decision. As a retiree from the Armed Services, I and my wife are entitled to medical insurance from our Defense Department, and it is superb.
_________________
Don B
Dec 07 Dx Follicular NHL, Grade I (Indolent)
Stage IIIA - No Symptoms
Watch and Wait - 6 Month Checks
Jan 09 Scan shows Progression - no symptoms
May 18, 09 - Started R-CVP
After Third Round, CT scan showed some tumor shrinkage
July 31,09 - Completed 6 Rounds R-CVP

ChemoMan · Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 3:10 am Post subject: Re: Scared as hell.

Hi all

just a reminder not to hijack Princepia's thread. This should be about supporting him.

The lounge is the place for this discussion
_________________
Age 52
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 2a
Finished six cycles of R chop 21 26th May 2008
Officially in remission 9th July 2008
Remission confirmed 1st October 2008
Remission confirmed 17 June 2009
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=9620
RULE NUMBER 1.....Don't Panic
RULE NUMBER 2..... Don't forget Rule number 1

joepet · Senior User Joined: 18 Dec 2008 Posts: 273 Location: Japan

That is true. It's easy to get carried away sometimes.
Still pulling for a benign answer no matter how long it takes to find out!

EDIT: maybe brainman can split off some of these posts if we'd like to continue the discussion of our various country's health care plans?
_________________
Age 37 (36 at diagnosis)
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 1AE (localized in colon)
Began six cycles of R chop 21 3rd Dec 2008
Finished R chop 21 Apr 2009
Complete remission as of May 2009

SingleDad · Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 7:59 am Post subject: Re: Scared as hell.

Lesson - don't take broad brush pot shots at other healthcare systems - Very Happy

note when SD is on steroids Wink

••

Eric....deep breaths......you are young and resilient and your angst is doing you far more harm than anything else.

Use your support system to get a better perspective on what is going on and don't let your imagination run away.

a) chemo is not horrid....I've far worse issues with dentists. Rolling Eyes

Chemo can actually fix some other things as it has with me and others ( arthritis - not something in your realm )... It's rebooting your immune system.

b) it's part of YOU that is malfunctioning so have some confidence in YOU that you also have the resources internally along with your doctors to fix what's broken and a positive upbeat attitude goes a long way towards that.

You might as well be worried crossing the street - it has risks as well that are unknown and scary....

Some fear is a good motivator - it makes you take action to resolve the stress - don't allow it to be a negative - allow it to up your determination to get well which you have a very high likelihood of doing.

Have fun each day - don't spin into a funk......get the music you like that makes you feel good and wallow in it......go watch Rocky or something....

YOU determine how you approach this.....upbeat and confident or fearful and paralysed......

Stay positive and upbeat....do ask questions of the professionals and if you have a concern take it to them.....

There are very good psychological support as well....use it but it's your close circle of family and friends that will reflect most what yo bring to the project.

Your worries become theirs, your positive approach comes back to you ten fold.

Power up.........get it fixed..stay positive.... Wink

_________________
Age 61
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma Stage 2/3
CHOP+R started Feb 26th 2009
Completed 6 cycles June 2009
Diary here http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=12003
Officially in remission July 9th 2009 Wink

Three rounds of Intrathecal completed July 29th
Radiation to come as a prophylactic measure.
1st Radiation Sept 9 - 17 does completed Oct 1.
No more treatments scheduled
Heading to South Africa in January - once the itching stops Mr. Green

Princepia · New User Joined: 21 Feb 2009 Posts: 7

T-minus 3 days till biopsy...anxiety increasing..trying to not freak out. Wish me luck...:/

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