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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1578
Location: AUSTRALIA
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 Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:07 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Aussie politicians-
Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,
'Julia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
Some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out, and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for, and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog, and up to the bar.
'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'
Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again
To whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet..
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened, and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'
'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:09 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Scrabble and Un-scrabble
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:10 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Men just don't listen !
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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Posts: 1578
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:19 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Medical Moments to make you smile
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . .. .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
> Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent ..
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. ..Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:20 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant!
Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:22 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
with an expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who
installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn't
paid for them.
Well, hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him exactly what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line,
so I finally just hung up. He never called back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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Gillette
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Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 357
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: jokes 2 |
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A good chuckle to start the Year off with....
Keep & read whenever you feel blue and please share..
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond to it like this...
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Buster, The Wonder Dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog... 
Hmmmm.... What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.
I told her that on the bright side, I'd lost 50 Pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I said that it was essentially a perfect diet: the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry; the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her, " No; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both." 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
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brainman
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Jean222
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Joined: 14 Dec 2008
Posts: 262
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| Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 8:26 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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What's the difference between weather and climate??
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You can't weather a tree but you can climate! |
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In
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Posts: 1578
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 10:55 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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-------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said t he second little piggy.
'I want water, lots and lots of water,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want water, lots and lots of water,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want water, lots and lots of water,'
exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter
to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered water
all evening?'
You're gonna LOVE this....
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go
'Wee, wee, wee, all the way
home!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:02 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Can I Borrow $25?
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'
DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.
SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'
DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.
SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'
DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'
SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'
The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.'
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.
'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.
'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.
'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man.. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.
'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.
'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to
Have dinner with you.'
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.
It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:02 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa, Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:04 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:06 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A man wakes up one morning in Palinsville , Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the Bear Remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The Bear Remover duly arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean
old Pit Bull. 'What are you going to do?' the homeowner asks. 'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the Pit Bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. 'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner. 'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog...'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:06 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'
She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'
He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'
She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.'
He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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